


Mara and The Society of Shitheads

by poolapool



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Cure for tranquility, Earth humans are not like Thedas humans, Found Family, Friendship, Humor, Leliana/Original Female Character(s) - Freeform, Memes, Modern Character in Thedas, Modern Girl in Thedas, Morality, Multi, Psychology, Science, Tranquility, playing god, thedas may be dark but our memes are dank
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-31
Updated: 2020-07-22
Packaged: 2020-10-04 04:17:06
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 50,912
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20464883
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/poolapool/pseuds/poolapool
Summary: Mara is one of the brightest scholars the University of Orlais has ever seen, but she wasn’t always one. Five years ago she was but a young woman who suddenly found herself in Thedas. Since then, she has clawed her way to the top and found others like her. Acknowledging that neither she nor they would ever get out of Thedas alive on their own, they decided to band together and create a secret society in Orlais. A secret society of Earthlings who woke up in this strange land, one with a simple list of objectives: find the others, stay alive, stay out of sight, and find a way home.So when the society receives news that another Earthling is ‘trapped’ inside the newly formed Inquisition, they are quick to send aid. Mara must now infiltrate Skyhold and remain under the guise of a bright scholar until she can rescue whoever the news alluded to. But things get difficult when a wolf catches her scent and she becomes more entangled in a world she swore she'd leave one day.





	1. Mara

I understood the situation. I understood that I was being called to fulfill the mission of the society I created alongside our ‘Oracle’, Timotheus (a.k.a the one guy who actually played the damn game). And I would’ve understood, would’ve felt fine about this whole thing – if he hadn’t stopped me at just the last minute and warned me of the dangers. His biggest worry wasn’t the fear of our society being found out and my cover being blown, not that the public would believe it, but his worry was that a _select few_ might. The select few included a elvhen man called Solas and a human woman named Morrigan. He said that, if possible, avoid the two almost completely. When I asked him why, he simply told me that these two were well-versed in knowledge of the Fade and the possibility of things beyond it.

I would’ve pressed for more information, but I knew better. Timotheus had underlined, upon the creation of the society, that he would tell us things when the time was right. To tell everything all at once was a recipe for chaos, we needed to work on the micro-tasks and just trust him and his plan that it would, slowly but surely, lead up to our final goal; getting home with no one left behind.

I leaned back on the plush seat of my carriage as I did some mental gymnastics, doing a quick run-through of who the person I had to save was. The only clues I had were that they were human and they held an important role in Skyhold, working for the Inquisition. That took elves, dwarves, and kossiths out of picture, as well as the servants. Which left scholars, researchers, high-ranking military officers (at least those a rank or two below Commander Cullen), and spies as my primary suspects. I would also have to leave the inner circle and Inquisitor Mahanon Lavellan alone because of two things: 1. Anyone who has found themselves on Thedas so far have all been human, and 2. Nobody has woken up in a body not theirs, we all still had our modern clothing tucked away somewhere in our estate.

Mara, you might be wondering, how did your society even hear wind of another Earthling in the Inquisition?

Here’s the thing, creating this secret society of ours was not just a matter of manpower and being smart. It was also a matter of money. As a result, all our members were required to have fields of work outside to bring in the cash – whether it was to help keep the estate running, for the food, for our operations, and the like – everyone was required to contribute, no matter how small or big. One of our members, Rachel, had a knack for making crosswords and puzzles. She created a lucrative business out of them, even published puzzle books and introduced sudoku to the public. To market, she’d post posters on every wall in Val Royeaux with her weekly questions and everyone was free to write their answers and mail them to her.

Now, amongst the questions, there would always be a bonus – one about Earth. Now before you start thinking they’re some serious, horrible thing written in code; they’re not. They were the funniest fucking things on Thedas.

One time it was just Hangul characters spelling out ‘Rachel likes to eat ass’ and the question ‘what country did this language come from?’. We got two recruits from that one, Cat who answered ‘South Korea’ and Yeong-Hwa who also answered ‘South Korea’ and drew laughing emojis under her answer. Another time, we had Yeong-Hwa draw a meme for us with the question ‘Who is this?’. I’m not sure why, but we got five recruits from that one. Their answers were: ‘Pepe’ ‘Pepe our lord and savior’ ‘Pepe, templar hater’ ‘Pepe who blew up the Chantry’ ‘Pepe, champion of Kirkwall’. Those recruits were our favorites, we eventually let them form a team on their own and called them the ‘Pepe Squad’, they’ve become best friends ever since.

Anyways, if you got all the questions right, your name and picture would be on the next weekly poster, but if you got the bonus question right, regardless of the others, you would be invited to have dinner with Rachel. Dinner, of course, came with the invitation to join us.

So when our mysterious Earthling in Skyhold said they couldn’t come, we knew we’d have to pull them out of there ourselves.

_Dear Madam Rachel,_

_I would like to first apologize for I cannot take your offer, I am busy at Skyhold working for the Inquisition and cannot afford to shirk on my duties. Your questions are interesting and remind me of home, puzzling and filled with nostalgia. However, if you were to come to Skyhold, I could perhaps arrange something for us. Kindly let me know if you’d be interested._

_Best Regards, E._

The response came like this:

_Dear E,_

_Thank you for your kind words, but I am disheartened to know I would not meet with a bright mind such as yourself. I would also like to apologize that I do not have the time to meet you, busy with my books and writing questions and all that. I’ll send you an unpublished book of mine as a substitute, hopefully you’ll enjoy these puzzles as much as I have._

_I wish you and the Inquisition luck in the war with Corypheus, Maker guide us all. _

_Warm Wishes, Rachel._

The unpublished book, of course, was code for me, despite having sent an actual book weeks before. Rachel actually asked the Inquisition if she could have the actual name of our mystery Earthling to ‘ensure the parcel would arrive properly’, but all she got was a handwritten note from their spymaster. Leliana assured her that she knew who the sender was and would make sure the parcel got to them. To make it look natural, Rachel gave her thanks and gifted Leliana a box of Rachel’s ‘favorite’ brand of chocolates.

Rachel was impartial to chocolate, it was Timotheus who (in retrospect he regretted this) gave her the idea. Leliana and Rachel from then on become somewhat penpals of chocolate.

Why is this relevant, you ask?

As strange as it was, it helped grease the wheels to get me to Skyhold.

Now here I was, ornate Orlesian carriage, lurching to a stop carrying me and all my belongings under the missive to help the Inquisition. As well as the University of Orlais’ way of suspending me until I finish my latest research paper. Punishment to write in the ass freezing Frostbacks it was then!

“Lady Mara,” my escort’s muffled call came. “Are you ready?”

“Yes, yes,” I sighed, grabbing my bag and swinging the door open. “You really have to stop calling me lady, I’m a scholar not a noble.”

“O-Of course,” the young elf nodded, “Also, I was requested to inform you that Enchanter Fiona wanted to meet with you in the library, it’s right up the stairs there and to the right. Your room is still being prepared in the meantime.”

“Right, thank you – uh… what’s your name?”

“Hera, messere.”

I nodded, fishing for a gold coin in my pocket, “Well, thank you Hera – here’s a tip.”

Hera blinked owlishly at me before sputtering, “I can’t take this! It’s too much!”

“Take it.” I frowned, pushing the coin into her hands. “Your teeth have been chattering the entire time you’ve been speaking to me. Go get a nice warm cup of tea in the tavern or something, with lemon if possible, oh – and a nice meal. Plenty of lean meats and vegetables and grain.”

“But – ”

“Go.” I said and hooked the bag on my shoulder, “Goodbye, Hera.”

I hurried past her and up Skyhold’s stairs, pulling my furs tighter against me, cursing at the icy winds. Not even the warmth of the castle was enough to quell me enough so that I could marvel at it.

For God’s sake, I was born in a tropical country! Orlais was already chilly as it were – the Frostbacks were going to turn me into a fish popsicle if I wasn’t careful. Par Vollen would have been a good choice for residence, if it weren’t for the Qun and the undoubtedly haunted pyramids. Hate that.

I made a beeline for the closest door to the right, barging in without a second’s notice and bumping heads with a man. Now I don’t know about you, but apparently I have no concept of my own strength. Upon impact I accidentally knocked him to the ground and a tray of fluids came flying at me, landing on my chest and covering me in a wide variety of colors – it was paint, I was covered in paint.

“Oh god,” I said, hurrying over to the man on the ground and kneeling beside him. “Oh my god, I am so sorry. I didn’t see where I was going – oh goodness, you’re covered in paint — ”

“I can see that,” he says, rubbing the side of his head, annoyed.

“What can I do to make it up to you?” I panicked, “I’m so sorry – ”

“Perhaps by helping me up, let’s start there.”

My cheeks flared up in embarrassment and I nodded furiously, wrapping an arm around his shoulders and bringing him up to his feet.

Now that he was standing before me, I could get a good look at him. He was an elvhen man, maybe around in his early 40s, with pale skin, and blue eyes. He was also bald, but he made the look work for him. He looked stern and had that air of a ‘no nonsense’ professor. I worried if he was going to yell at me.

To my surprise, he just looked at me weirdly, “Who are you?”

“Oh, my name is Mara, I’m a scholar from the University of Orlais. I’ve been sent here to help the Inquisition.” I said, pausing before extending my hand toward him. “Sorry, my manners are everywhere right now.”

“As well as your habit for apologizing too much,” he chided but took my hand anyways, squeezing firm. “My name is Solas, if there are to be introductions.”

Oh fuck.

I smiled nervously, “Well, nice to meet you, Solas! I need to run, um, to the library – Lady Fiona needs to see me.”

“Of course, it’s upstairs.” He nodded, probably taking my nervousness for my first time on the job. “Be careful not to run into anyone else.”

“Haha! You’re funny!” I fake-laughed, earning another weird look from him. “Bye!”

“Goodbye…?”

I made a beeline for the door to the right, opening it and cursing when I found it led outside.

“To the left, Lady Mara.” Solas cleared his throat, looking amused.

“Haha, right!” I laughed strangely, like the cold was really getting to me. “I mean left!”

“Yes, left.”

I was panting and lowkey sweating by the time I reached the second floor, whether it was out of being flustered, embarrassed, or the Skyhold heat finally getting to me. Or maybe it was all at once, that seemed logical.

“Lady Mara?” a voice sounded, drawing my attention to it.

Well, her. A fair-skinned woman with dark hair cut short and blue robes. 

“My name is Fiona, I was the one who asked for you.”

She was also an elf, which crossed her off my list.

“It’s good to meet you, Grand Enchanter Fiona.” I said, peeling off my fur coat stained with paint. “I would offer a hand to shake but I am covered in paint, unfortunately.”

“Just Fiona is fine, I’m afraid I’m no longer a Grand Enchanter. But yes, your stumble with Ser Solas was quite loud.” She smiled, amused. “Please, come sit down with me. You must be tired.”

Fiona laid down the ground rules of working as a fellow researcher in the library. She emphasized that the most important thing was to not be so loud as to distract the other researchers, which made me turn red (again) in shame. She introduced herself as the former leader of the mage rebellion, now Head of Research in Skyhold.

“Impressive.” I whistled.

“Thank you,” she smiled, pulling out a stack of papers, a bottle of ink, and a quill to the table. “But I have heard you are of a similar position in the University, yes? I’ve heard the public’s trust in it has grown with every research paper you’ve published.”

I snorted, “Probably why I’ve been sent here as a form of suspension until I’ve finished my next one.”

Fiona cocked her head to the side, “I take it you’ll still be aiding the Inquisition?”

“Of course, my research for the Inquisition and my paper will be separated. I’ve had the documents and forms of informed consent approved by the advisors and the University.”

“If I may ask, what is your research, the one for your University, about?”

“Comparison of mages and non-mages dreaming.”

Fiona’s eyes lit up, “How fascinating! But you are no mage yourself, how will you conduct this?”

I smiled wide, remembering Cat, our fellow engineer and inventor, who was making me a makeshift electroencephalogram to detect brain waves.

“Self-report scales, interviews, questionnaires, and past literature reviews.” I nodded, “And, get this, an invention that can track the progress of a dream!”

“Does such a thing exist?” Fiona asked, pausing, before frowning. “Are you sure you should be telling me this?”

“It’s in the works,” I said. “And it’s alright, nearly half of Orlais knows as well. Which is why there’s a push for me to finish it as fast as I can.”

“I have not been to Orlais for a while, I did not know.” Fiona chuckled, “I would ask you for more questions, but perhaps we can save that for another time. You will be here for, if I’m not mistaken, half a year yes?”

I nodded.

“Wonderful, and the research you will be conducting here is related to the mind, brain, and behavior yes? You call it psychology?”

I nodded again, watching her scribble down the information on the paper and then more on a separate one.

“I’ll also deliver recommendations of policies to the advisors regarding psychological matters for their people,” I added.

“Just recommendations?”

“Just recommendations.”

“Very well,” she said and handed me a paper. “This is your schedule and the location of your working office. Skyhold is a large place, so I put you in this same tower – your office is right past those doors by those bookcases there.”

“Office, huh?” I felt a pull to my lips, “Fancy.”

“Your University did say you needed peace and quiet.” She said, “And so do the other researchers.”

I scratched my cheek, embarrassed flush back again.

“Your time table has also been formulated so that researchers on fields of study similar to yours will be present in the library, should you have questions or feel the need to debate.” She nodded, folding her leftover papers away. “You will come in at eleven, finish at seven. Lunch will be from two until three in the afternoon.”

“More free time than I expected.” I hummed, folding the paper into my pocket.

“More than anyone expected, but your last research paper proved it right – overworking does cause a lack of quality of performance. If anything, we’re getting more done than before and morale for the researchers have been stable if not strong.”

“That’s wonderful!” I smiled, “I’m glad the paper helped.”

“And we’re happy to have you help us more. You’ll begin tomorrow.” Fiona said, beckoning to someone behind me. “Helisma will escort you to your room.”

I turned around, smiling and ready to greet whoever it was, but it fell short when I noticed the brand on her forehead. Tranquil.

Helisma was a young woman, pretty with her short brown hair and soft face. She wore no expression on her face, staring at me with complete objectivity.

“Greetings, Lady Mara.”

“Just Mara is fine,” I said. “You’re Helisma, right? It’s very nice to meet you.”

“And to you,” she said. “Shall we begin the tour?”

“Of course,” I said. “Thank you for your time Lady Fiona.”

“And to you.” She nodded and with that, I was left alone with Helisma.

I’ve only ever seen Tranquil from afar, always leashed close to Circles and the mages, so they’ve always remained like an enigma to me. I knew the spiel. Cut off from the Fade and living on the earth without being able to emote, despite memory of those feelings being present – but always at an arm’s length. People liked to say that they were like dead corpses, that being cut off from the Fade meant they weren’t real people anymore. But to me? To me they were more real than anyone else. They were as close as Thedosians could get to being a human like me, like us.

This was something not even Timotheus could understand, not until he met me. It started when he found dying tranquil one day, she had looked at him and said, cryptically, 'You're just like me, but also not'. He was confused, also because for the two years he had lived in Thedas (up until he met me) he couldn't understand why no magic could ever hurt him, despite not being a mage, despite not being anything but, unabashedly, a normal man. He used that to his advantage to survive, like all of us did, for neither a Templar’s Lyrium magic nor a mage’s Fade magic could harm us.

Here’s what I found regarding why. Thedas is in a world that operates on a severely different level than Earth does. Thedas works on a level of dualism, that physical and mental matter were two different things. Earth works on a level of monism, wherein physical and mental matter were one in the same. The brain flexes like a muscle to create energy so that we can move, handles nearly everything in our body, not independently, but all organs connected were physical. Everything that kept us moving was physical.

In Thedas, however, if you were cut off from the Fade, despite no brain damage being present, you would lose your ability to process emotion. That meant something else held power over your mind, something beyond your control. And I mean something really, _really _beyond your control. My hypothesis is that when someone undergoes the rite of tranquillity they become like us Earthlings. But the reason why they cannot process emotions like us is that they have relied too heavily on the Fade since they were born, the growth of neural pathways in their brain became stunted ever since they were brought into the world.

No matter. Because Helisma was still a person, just one who had a different perspective on the world. She was no different than me who had mild ADHD, like my brother back home who had dyslexia, no different than any other human from Earth. So I smiled as we walked, it was nice to have another human like me close by.

Wait.

“Helisma, hold on – I have a question.” I said. “What is the capital city of the United States?”

She paused, “I’m afraid I don’t know what the United States is.”

“Ah,” I sighed. “Nevermind then.”

“A peculiar question,” she said, voice monotone. “I shall have to do more reading.”

“No, no,” I laughed, a bit sad and forced, “There’s no need.”

“Of course.” She nodded, gesturing toward the door. “We are here, by the way.”

My room was situated just above the Skyhold gardens. It had all my things neatly tucked away and there was a big window too, that overlooked the beautiful mountains of the Frostbacks.

“Thank you, Helisma.” I said, “You can go if you’d like now.”

She bowed her head and left without another word.

I sat down next to the window and looked over the mountains, marveling at the beauty of everything. Despite having lived in Thedas for a good five years, despite having been told that this was a shit-show of a world, and witnessing it for myself – it was more beautiful than Earth. More beautiful than my world my people had ruined.

I sighed, taking out my schedule to pin it on the wall before hesitating. I noticed a random book poking out from one of the drawers. I pulled it out, turning it in my hands, debating on whether I should put it back. I decided otherwise and flipped it open, humming as I read pages filled with nothing more than a person talking about training, longing for some guy named Krem, and hating the elves. When I got to the hating elves part, I was more than ready to chuck this thing over the damn mountains, but I stopped myself when I read this:

_The mountains remind me of the Switzerland alps, I miss home. I miss thinking of this world as nothing but a story._

I leaned forward, resting my forehead on my hand as I massaged my eyes. I didn’t know what was worse. The fact that this diary was dated a couple of months after the breach opened, meaning that whoever it was that contacted us was in the Inquisition for a good amount of time already (saw a lot of bad shit too), that our mystery Earthling was racist to elves, or the fact that they knew the story. They knew the story like Timotheus and had no doubt done something to alter the course of the story forever.

“Huh.” I said, tipping my head back and rubbing my tired eyes, “Well, shit.”


	2. A Simple Question

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow! I didn't expect this big of a response from you guys, thank you for the comments, kudos, and bookmarks! Hope you'll like this chapter :)

Not sure how to describe the next couple of days I spent in Skyhold in any other way except ‘same old, same old’. The shtick was similar to Orlais. You’d hear people talking about how everything was moving so fast, saying they said servants zip here and there, messengers walking without end to relay messages from noble to noble, advisor to advisor. But honestly? It was nothing compared to the havoc of our society’s estate near Orlais’ countryside. To illustrate, I want you to imagine around 29 Earthlings living together under one roof. Now, amongst these 29 you’d have the veterans like me, Rachel, and Timotheus who were used to everything, the relative newcomers like Cat, Yeong-Hwa, and our beloved pepe squad who were still chipper about things, and then the constant onslaught of newbies who were either: 1. Fawning over that organic and off-the-grid lifestyle, 2. Trying to start a coup to change Thedas’ state of politics, and 3. Still trying to figure out how the fuck they were going to live knowing they’d have to live without plumbing (that dawning realization we all had to go through at the beginning, knowing we’d have to shit in a bucket every day).

And, on top of these issues, everyone was still expected to carry out their duties, jobs, chores, and missives. So, for example, you’d have our business and accountants managing our finance, going in and out of rooms, having meetings with Cat, Yeong-Hwa, and Rachel. Then our politicians and activists, our ears and eyes in the royal court, practically destroying the door to Timotheus’ office every day whether in anger or panic. And finally, everyone else who I had to evaluate and assess – placing them in the correct fields of work that suited them, whether it be for chores at the estate or getting them a job somewhere in Orlais. And if they didn’t have the capacity to do that, I made sure they were well taken care of at home. Then I’d go to the university, get yelled at by the higher-ups, get pressed to finish my research paper, watch them take away the funding, and then, after a day or two, have it returned.

Life was never quiet in the estate, so it was almost amusing to hear everyone talk about how ‘busy’ Skyhold was. I relished in the calm of Skyhold, the feel of the warm morning in the snowy mountains. If I ignored all the elves, dwarves, and humans wearing medieval clothing walking around, I could honestly just imagine I was in a ski resort.

Until I caught a man looking at my notebook of calculations I had left open in the library while I went out for brunch.

“Excuse me,” I said, hurrying over and covering the pages with my hands. “Can I help you?”

“Ah,” the man said, caught off-guard. “I’m sorry, is this yours?”

I furrowed my eyebrows, scrutinizing him. He looked like a suspicious sort, but that might just be his well-groomed mustache. It looked almost Disney villain-esque. He had tanned skin, dark black hair, grey eyes, and an obscenely complicated outfit. That and the fact that he also was obviously well-groomed pointed to his identification as a noble. He wouldn’t be the first of his kind to go rifling through my notes without any sense of decency.

“Yes.” I said, trying to hold back my judgements. “Why are you going through it? Who are you?”

“My apologies, I am Dorian of house Pavus – most recently of Minrathous.” He gave me a charming grin, “I suppose I deserve your look of scrutiny, I assume you know that I’m _that_ Tevinter mage, yes?”

“I don’t care,” I frowned, folding up my papers and notebook. “It’s not about that, holy shit. You were looking through my books, my papers – have you never heard of privacy?”

“You’re right.” He said, surprising me with how sad (ashamed?) he suddenly sounded.

“I am?” I said, more of a question than a statement.

“Those were mathematical equations and calculations, yes? I had a friend who was a genius at math,” he crossed his arms over his chest, looking thoughtful. “I wondered if the owner of this notebook studied his papers is all.”

“Oh.” I blinked, “Well, no. These are my own, uh, equations. It’s psychometrics.”

“Oh, you mean the new branch of knowledge in that Orlesian University?” he paused, eyes widening as if realizing something, “You must be Mara!”

“Yes, that’s me.”

“How fascinating, my friend, Felix, wanted to meet you at some point. Though I suppose I’ve beaten him to it.” Dorian said, his voice going back to sounding just the smallest bits sad. “He’d never stop talking about you.”

“Felix?” I said, surprised. “You know Felix Alexius?”

“His father, Gereon Alexius, used to be my patron.” he said, “Don’t tell me, have you met him before?”

“Oh, no, no. I’ve heard of him from my colleagues though, an extremely gifted mathematician he was. Is he around?” I said, “I would love to speak to him.”

“And a good man, above all.” Dorian frowned, “No, unfortunately. He passed away a few months ago.”

My heart dropped, no wonder Dorian was looking at my notes like that. He must’ve been thinking of Felix, might have even thought they were his for that brief moment.

“Oh no. May I ask to what?”

“The blight, he was infected by it and it finally caught up to him.” He grimaced.

“My condolences,” I frowned. “I’m sorry, he must have been important to you. I shouldn’t have pried.”

He just smiled grimly, “He was, he is. An exemplary young man. But let us not dwell on the sad things and what-ifs. Our conversation has suddenly taken such a grim tone to it, don’t you think? Let’s start over.” He bowed extravagantly. “As I said, my name is Dorian Pavus, evil Tevinter mage of the Inquisition.”

I shook my head and extended my hand for him, unable to stop myself from cracking a smile, “And my name is Mara, just Mara, scholar from that Orlesian University. You know, the only university in Orlais?”

Dorian looked at my outstretched arm as if it were an elephant’s trunk for a moment before firmly grasping it, returning my smile with one of his own, “Good to meet you, Mara.”

“And you too, Dorian.” I said, unable to stomp down all the guilt I felt.

We parted ways after a few more minutes of conversation, the two of us busy with our own work to do. I spent the remainder of my day in my office, getting through around half of the instruments I needed to make for my research and looking over the evaluations for the Inquisition’s army. I would’ve gotten a lot more work done, but my thoughts were elsewhere. They were on that young man named Felix Alexius.

Thoughts of him were like a vice-like grip on my throat. They were strangling me, telling me that I was one lucky fucking duck that I didn’t die in Kirkwall, that I somehow escaped the Blight too.

I felt like an imposter sitting in that office.

There I was, sitting on a plush leather seat by my mahogany table, with the most expensive inks and quills by my side, after taking an almost leisurely stroll around Skyhold. Surrounded by bookcases filled to the brim with books that my world would have declared each as a world heritage in and of itself. Recovering from the news that a man, who admired me as much as I admired him, just passed away. Knowing he was not the first one and would definitely not be the last.

Why was I the one to survive? A question that has always haunted me. I’ve never been a fan of the idea of karma, but I wondered if this was all given as my reward because I never stopped trying. I didn’t stop trying when I first found myself in Thedas, didn’t give in even when I was dirt poor with nothing to my name. I survived Kirkwall, I fought to get on that boat to Orlais, and never stopped until I got into the University of Orlais. Nights filled with studying accompanied by nothing but candlelight and my books beside me, all of this because of Timotheus, Rachel, Yeong-Hwa, Cat, the dumbass and affectionately named Pepe squad, and everyone else in our secret society – all because I wanted a good life for us all.

There were other Earthlings in Kirkwall with me at the time, I didn’t even realize they were there until the end. I would never forget what happened after the Chantry was destroyed, what happened to them I swore would never happen to our society. I should have sought them out, should have looked harder, should have known there were others like me living in the city. We could’ve had a much better chance at survival if we had just banded together, but we didn’t – too preoccupied on what each of us alone could do to help Kirkwall.

There were deaths and riots in the streets. Stupid Earthling humans trying their best to stop things, trying their best to save people, but things got out of hand and for the first time I realized that there was no way we’d ever accomplish anything alone. Everything ended in flames and only I was left alone with a seventeen year-old Timotheus, scarred by the horrors of the day. I wouldn’t leave this young man alone so I did everything to ensure a place for us on that boat to Orlais. I would not repeat the things I did for it. I remembered those long nights on the cold deck, clinging to him as he clung on to me, wishing we’d have found each other earlier – maybe things wouldn’t have gotten so bad.

As things grew even more dangerous when the Circles fells, both of us were driven backwards until we came to the conclusion that we’d never meddle in Thedas’ affairs ever again. We needed sanctuary from this crazy world, so we created the secret society. Worked our asses off to get the funding, bought that estate in Orlais’ countryside, and searched, searched like we were possessed by demons, for all the other Earthlings in Thedas.

I loved Thedas and all its cracked edges, but I loved my friends more. I would do anything for them, even if it meant having to sit back and watch the sky crack open. Even if it meant we had to board up the windows, pretend we didn’t hear the boom when it happened, and used up the last remaining battery from Cat’s phone to listen to music from Earth, drowning out the sounds of chaos outside. Hoping it would drive all our fears away, remind us of what it felt like to walk down the streets of New York, the Gardens by the Bay in Singapore, watch the rain pour down the neon streets of Tokyo, hear the whisper of the winds upon the Burj Khalifa in Dubai, see the colors of the Holi festival in India, and feel the cool waters of Bali’s seas. All these things, contained in such a small phone, playing videos and pictures on a slideshow as the music lulled us to sleep. Making us believe that, for just that moment of calm, we were all friends having a sleepover in France instead of Orlais.

Then we woke up, attached a cheap and low-powered lightning rune to her phone, and let it charge for the remainder of the day. And ignored the strange green sun in the sky until the day when that fated letter came.

And, for the rest of the day, I ignored the lingering thought that, if we only tried, our society would've found a cure to the Blight.

* * *

After my day’s work was finished, I made sure to dedicate some time in the three hours before my bedtime to decipher the journal I found. I wrote a letter to Rachel, letting her know that I had made progress and it was important to relay this information to Timotheus. I picked out a paper with red leaves decorating it at the edges, the one I always used when writing something in code for her – that way she knew.

_Dear Rachel,_

_Thank you so much for pulling some strings to get me here. I’m working underneath Head Researcher Fiona, she’s apparently the ex-mage rebellion leader! How interesting is that? Really nice woman too. I was given an office in the library and a room over the gardens, the mountains here are gorgeous too. I think we might’ve been on to something, sending me here. I can see the success and inspiration around me, coming together to further my mission here! Research, research, research – make sure to tell my own head of research back in Orlais that he doesn’t have to worry, I’ll make sure my work is finished. _

_Oh, also if you’re going to send Leliana some chocolates can you send me an extra box too? I’ll send you a pressed flower from the Skyhold garden if you’d like, I know you want to add more to your collection. Many rare ones grow here._

_Many Thanks and Warmest Wishes, Mara._

I made sure to add the chocolate part, as a precaution should anyone want to send me a more specific message they’d be able to hide it in the box.

I wasn’t sure who to send the letter to, so I opted to go to the uppermost floor of the tower where the library was. I wanted to speak to Leliana and ask for her to deliver it, but when I didn’t find her I opted to ask one of her people for help.

“Excuse me,” I said. “Can you help me?”

The man, clothed in dark clothes and a mask, looked me up and down, “And to whom will I be helping?”

“Mara, a scholar from the University of Orlais. I work downstairs, moved into the new office?” I gestured to my letter, “I need this to be sent to Rachel. Rachel the Riddler, that one who – ”

“Oh!” the man said, pushing his mask back and revealing his face, “You’re the – and the one who makes all those puzzles?”

The man behind the mask took me aback, because I recognized that face – it was Inquisitor Mahanon Lavellan. The last time I saw him was in Grand Enchanter Vivienne’s soiree after being chewed out by that random noble, then frozen and humiliated by the Grand Enchanter herself. I remembered catching the Inquisitor’s eyes that night by accident, being caught off-guard, then toasting my wine glass to him, returning his smile of mirth.

Then here he was again. Long white-hair caught up in a bun and pale-skin gleaming in the candlelit darkness, standing in stark contrast to his vallaslin. His dark blue eyes swam with mirth, widening, probably remembering our first meeting.

“You’re… Mara, right?” Mahanon said, “We met before I think. At Vivienne’s soiree, if memory serves.”

“Your Worship!” I said, surprised. “Forgive me, I didn’t know it was you – ”

He waved it off, “That was hardly your fault, I was the one standing in the dark with a menacing mask on. I hope I didn’t scare you.”

“Not at all!”

“I’m glad,” he said and smiled charmingly, gesturing to my letter, “I assume you’re here for Sister Nightingale as well? Or is this a letter to a paramour of yours in her division?”

I turned red at that, “No – I just… it’s a letter to mutual friend of Leliana and I.”

“Leliana?” he said, “I take it you’re close to her, then?”

“I have my mutual friend to thank for that.”

“Rachel the Riddler, I’ve seen her posters around in Val Royeaux. I actually grabbed one a while back, mailed the answers back to her.”

“I see,” I nodded. “Did you get your picture and name in the next one?”

He scrunched up his nose, sighing, “No, they’re quite difficult – in hindsight, I believe I got nearly all of them incorrect. No shame in trying though. Warden Blackwall and I would spend hours debating on them, even asked Dorian for help – oh, you must’ve met him by now, hard to miss that man.”

“The one with the loud outfit?” I cracked a smile, “Villainous mustache?”

He returned my grin, “Exactly the one.”

“I haven’t met Warden Blackwall though, I’ve been cooped up in here these past couple of days working on my research papers as well as helping the Inquisition.” I paused, “Not that I’m complaining – ”

“Nonsense! I appreciate your hard work,” he said. “You must be tired. It’s also getting late – here, how about I give your letter to Leliana for you?”

“That’s kind, but are you sure?” I frowned, “I wouldn’t want to trouble you.”

“It’s no trouble,” he smiled. “The least I could do for the people of the Inquisition.”

I smiled in approval, “Thank you, Your Worship. I owe you for this one.”

“Why don’t you treat me to one of your lectures sometime?” he said, accepting my letter. “Next week, at the gardens?”

“I’d be honored.” I bowed, “I’ll be taking my leave then. Thank you again, Inquisitor.”

“Good night, Lady Mara.”

“Just call me Mara, Your Worship.”

“Of course.”

“Good night.” I said and turned around, ready to hurry back to my room and jump into the covers.

He hummed, “Oh, and I forgot mention – but I did get an unpublished book of hers as compensation.”

I paused.

“What?”

Mahanon gave me a wry smile, “Don’t look at me like that. I know, I know, not everyone can answer the bonus question – perhaps I was just lucky.”

“Huh.” I nodded, dumbfounded, my brain unable to process the news. “Well, what if you aren’t just lucky?”

“Pardon?”

“Rachel and I are close, so I know her style of questions – I’ll ask you one, is that okay?”

“Alright…?”

I paused, my brain frantically looking for the easiest question I could give him, something anyone from any culture in any part of the world would know.

“What is Franz Ferdinand known for?”

A beat passed before he finally replied.

Mahanon looked at me strange and said, “Who?”

I furrowed my eyebrows, massaging my temples, and forcing myself to look away, “No, it’s… nevermind.”

“What’d I say,” came Mahanon’s chuckle, “I was lucky.”

“Lucky.” I repeated and began my wobbly descent down the stairs.

_What the fuck?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just in case some of you aren't aware of who Franz Ferdinand is, his assassination is one of the many reasons as to why WW1 happened.
> 
> In any case, let the shitheadery begin >:)


	3. Professor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh wow this blew up again!! Thank you again for all your support and for reading the story!!!! I hope you'll have as much fun reading this chapter as I have had in writing it!! :D

Shit. Heads. All of us. That was all I could think of, all of us – Shit. Heads. Shitheads.

After I had gathered all my thoughts, lying in bed until the sun rose, I slowly pieced together just bare fragments of whatever the hell was going on. So far, I knew that Inquisitor Mahanon Lavellan was the one who answered the question correctly but was _not_ the owner of the journal I had found in my room. Which still meant I had to find the Earthling, who was racist to elves, in Skyhold. Which was like looking for a needle in the haystack, in all honesty.

Oh, and he also had a crush on this man named Krem.

I’d have to work inductively, but before that the first thing I needed to do was to rip that specific page out of the journal and throw it in the fire. Afterwards, I asked around to find out who this Krem was. Eventually, I found out that he was part of a mercenary group called ‘The Chargers’ that the Inquisition had hired. I debated on asking him or finding some way of getting the information out from him, but as it turned out I didn’t need to. It didn’t take a genius to see he was interested in Maryden, the Bard. So the logical conclusion was that whoever wrote that journal had suffered an unrequited crush and held a relatively high position (what with all the training and burdens they wrote about). Thankfully, the population of possible candidates of our Earthlings had not broadened but shortened (somewhat).

Added on to the list was the possibility of ‘if I mention the name Krem and Maryden in the same sentence that person will be sad’. I wondered if I could pepper that into my conversations here and there, see if anyone would react, but decided against it – Krem would have my head and, perhaps by extension, so would The Iron Bull. So I demoted ‘if I mention the name Krem and Maryden in the same sentence that person will be sad’ to ‘someone who probably hangs around the Tavern a lot’, which was the closest I could get.

And that was how I spent my days since, sneaking off to the Tavern to buy a small pint of ale and dried fruit. I kept a close eye on everyone, making sure that whoever lingered on Krem for too long was a suspect. Insofar, I had written down their descriptions and names if mentioned. It came up to a total of 10 people at the end of staying in some corner of the Tavern, nursing my small pint like it was a cup of tea as I continued to wish I could move my aching ass. The things I do for the society, you know?

Then one day, just as I was about to leave, someone called out to me, stopping me in my tracks.

“Hey, excuse me – miss?”

I turned around only to be met with a broad expanse of chest, chest, and nothing but chest. A chest covered in scars and tattoos, to be specific. I looked up to see a man with grey skin, two dark horns, and sharp grey eyes. And, I cannot stress this enough, he was very, _very_ handsome. Wow.

“Hi?” I said.

“Hey,” he said. “You’re that new researcher, Lady Mara, right?”

“Just Mara,” I said. “And you must be The Iron Bull.”

“Nice to meet you,” he said, falling in step with me. “Are you headed to the gardens?”

Today was also the day I’d be giving the Inquisitor the lecture we had planned from last week.

“That’s right, you too?”

He nodded, “Mind if I tag along?

“Oh, I don’t mind – ”

“Great,” he smiled, “Because I’ve been meaning to ask you why you’ve been eyeing the folks who’ve been eyeing _my_ lieutenant.”

_Oh._

“Oh, well – I’m trying to find someone,” I said, thinking quick on my feet trying to make my reasoning as vague as possible. “I think they might have a crush on Lieutenant Krem, so that was why.”

He stared at me for a moment before he arched an eyebrow, “Weird reason, not what I was expecting. But okay.”

“Is there a… problem? I mean, with me doing that?”

“Aside from looking like a, no offense, creep in the corner? Sipping ale like it’s fine wine?” he said, “And that your entire gig is based off of observing people, predicting how they act? I mean, so long as you don't mess with Krem.”

I felt my blood go cold.

The Iron Bull was quite an open man about the fact that he was a spy, that he was Ben-Hassrath. I’ve never personally seen the Ben-Hassrath, just those directly under the command of the Arishok back in Kirkwall. I remembered having punched a Chantry sister for starting the protests against having them there. I even spoke out about it, lessened the protests for around a week or two. I remember having stood in the middle of the fight, calling out the Chantry for their hypocrisy, the bloodshed that would occur if protests went on, and calling for other means to get them out if the Qun were harming anyone and not merely acting on defense.

They weren’t happy, safe to say. Thankfully the Qun intervened, brought me to their camp, and kindly fixed me up. I hid there for a good year, listening to their teachings, and feeling safe in a language that was so like my own mother tongue from Earth. They had similar customs and mannerisms. One person even joked that I might as well have grown up in the Qun.

At the end of it, they asked me if I wanted to convert and I said that I was still unsure. Strangely, they understood and let me go. Maybe it was because they liked me or maybe it was because they thought of me as a funny human, but I wanted to believe it was because there was a connection between us.

“That gig,” Bull said. “It’s sort of like a Tammasran, do you know what they are?”

“I know,” I said, wistful. “And I do.”

I was still unsure of the Qun because of the way they treated mages and, by extension, what would happen to me if they found out about my… abilities. My genes would’ve been favored greatly, that was for sure. A human was who entirely immune to magic? I didn’t even want to imagine what would happen to me.

We walked in silence before finally entering the gardens.

“You know, Iron Bull,” I said. “You never told me why you were headed for the gardens.”

“Hm. Oh?” he gave me a lopsided grin, “For your lecture, actually.”

Seeing my confused face, he gestured toward the center of the gardens. There I saw were several filled seats, a blackboard, and, amongst them, one Inquisitor Mahanon Lavellan, waving me over with an excited smile.

“Mara!” he called out.

I bristled, “Oh sweet mother of God.”

“C’mon teach,” Bull winked (more like blinked), whacking my shoulder. “Class is in session.”

I reluctantly made my way to Mahanon, his grin far too bright for the occasion.

“Inquisitor,” I said. “I thought the lecture was between you and me, not me and… well, everybody else in Skyhold!”

“Did I misunderstand?” he frowned, “I had no intention of deceiving you – from my understanding a lecture means one professor and an audience of students, yes?”

“Not always.” I sighed, exasperated, “I wish you would have told me before, I would’ve prepared something else.”

“Is there something wrong with what you have now?”

I fiddled with my fingers, “It is a sensitive topic that I wanted to discuss with you in private.”

He arched an eyebrow, “Which is?”

“Tranquility.”

His eyes widened, “Oh.”

I nodded, looking away, “Big oh.”

Mahanon looked behind him and I followed his line of sight. Vivienne and Dorian were there talking to two other nobles I recognized as being admirers of my work. Warden Blackwall, Varric Tethras, and the girl who lived in the Tavern named Sera, three people whom I had only ever seen in passing, were sitting together and talking amicably. Lastly, there was Solas who was speaking with a young man I had never seen before. He stuck out like a sore thumb with that big hat of his.

“Who is that?” I asked.

“Which one?” Mahanon said, turning back to me.

“The one with the big hat.”

He blinked at me, “You noticed him?”

“Yes…?” I said, “I mean, look at his hat! He sticks out like a sore thumb.”

“Like a sore thumb, you say?” he hummed, “Well, his name is Cole. He goes out into the field with me from time to time.”

“I see.”

“Mara, if you feel uncomfortable with giving your lecture, know that I will not push you.”

“No, no.” I relented, “I did say I owed you, Inquisitor, I intend on keeping my word.”

“Honorable,” Mahanon said, brows rising. “A woman after my own heart.”

I gave him a weird look, “Ew.”

“And she shoots me down right away!” he chuckled, “I’m teasing, Mara.”

“I know,” I smiled, amused. “I guess I’ll just have to think of something on the spot then, I doubt Tranquility is a comfortable subject for so many people.”

“Smart choice,” he said. “Then I suppose I shall have to wait for another time for that one-on-one lecture about Tranquility?”

I smirked, “Are you trying to swindle me into a date, Inquisitor?”

“Next week, then?” Mahanon elbowed me gently.

“No shame, huh? Fine then. Lecture, next week.” I said, “You and me only, no-one else, and definitely not a date.”

“Of course,” he inclined his head, lips still twisted with mirth. “Shall we begin? Your students are waiting.”

I grumbled, “My students include a Qunari spy, a Grand Enchantress, a Grey Warden, a famous novelist, and the Inquisitor himself. Not exactly how I pictured my afternoon if I’m being honest.”

He shook his head and handed me a piece of chalk, “Makes for an interesting class, wouldn’t you say?”

“That’s one way to put it,” I smiled. “Kindly take your seat, Inquisitor, the lecture will begin soon.”

“As you say, Professor.” He mock bowed and sat down next to Solas.

_Professor Mara_.

It certainly had a nice ring to it.

“If only I was,” I mumbled, sifting through my papers trying to find a suitable topic.

Tranquility was out of the question, so perhaps something basic – perhaps emotion?

“Good afternoon everyone,” I began, suddenly feeling awkward. “Let me introduce myself first – my name is Mara, I am a scholar from the University of Orlais who specializes in studying the mind and the abstract concepts that are attached to it, such as emotion, abilities, personality, and etcetera. Now, I will be honest. I did not expect so many people to come and attend my lecture, but... I guess it’s nice to see you all here?”

Mahanon suddenly raised his hand.

“Early for a question, but go ahead.”

He had that shiteating grin again, “If we were to refer to you, would it be Professor Mara or Miss Mara?”

I made a face, “Just Mara, we’re all the same age group here.”

“Of course.” He said sarcastically and looked at Solas mischievously, to which the latter only arched an eyebrow at.

‘Did he just call Solas old?’ I thought, finding the idea amusing. ‘Well, he couldn’t be _that_ much older.’

Sure, Solas had crow’s feet around his eyes and the skin on his forehead crinkled whenever the Inquisitor sauntered over to his table bringing a recipe of equal parts valid, intelligent, and stupid questions. Stress had a tendency to do that to people and Mahanon was a stress-inducing machine incarnate.

“Stress!” I said aloud, surprising even myself, “I mean – today, we shall talk about stress and the effect it has on the wellbeing of a person.”

Everyone side-eyed Mahanon who bristled.

“Oops,” I said, hiding my smile. “Perhaps we should – ”

“No, Mara.” Vivienne smiled, “Do go on, I’m sure it would be a… fascinating topic.”

“Yes, and before we begin,” Dorian cleared his throat. “What would happen if a certain superior dragged his men over… let’s see here, bogs, freezing mountains, mud –”

“Places with things that brush up your friggin leg, haunted mansions – ” grumbled Sera.

Dorian made heated eye contact with everyone, nodding his head, “Let’s not forget the time we went to Redcliffe either, yes?”

“I didn’t drag you into that one!” Mahanon said.

The two nobles shifted uncomfortably and I shot them an apologetic smile.

“I’m not saying you did,” Dorian said. “I’m asking out of pure curiosity of what my… mental state would be like after all of that.”

I chuckled, shaking my head and welcoming this ice-breaking session with open arms (a mistake), “How about you, Master Tethras?”

“Please, call me Varric if you’re not going to use formalities.” He said, leaning back and crossing his arms in a relaxed manner, “But me? I have no complaints.”

“Oh get off Varric,” Blackwall rolled his eyes, “You’ve so far complained about every place we’ve been to _every time_, except now? Really?”

“I have to! Or else you’ll all forget I was there and leave me in some dark cave,” he said. “The things you do when you’re a dwarf.”

I turned to Solas last, “And you, Ser Solas?”

“Seeing as formalities aren’t to be used here, just Solas would be fine, Mara.” He folded his hands together, “So far, I have no complaints.”

“Aw boo!” Sera blew a raspberry into her palm, “Stinky old man doesn’t want to join in on the fun.”

Stinky?

“I like fun.” Said Cole.

“As do I,” I said, “Hearing all your stories is already very… _fun_.”

Only his smile was visible from underneath that big hat of his, “I agree!”

“All I’m saying,” Solas continued, “Is that when we go out into the field, it is of the utmost importance that we remember why we’re out there. Is it uncomfortable? Yes. Would I personally like doing something else? Yes. But the Inquisition has a job to do.”

Bull made a noise of approval, “Yeah, like killing assholes.”

“That’s true,” Sera and Blackwall nodded.

“Not _just_ that!”

“Aw Solas!” Mahanon grinned, poking the side of Solas’ stomach, making the older man jump in surprise, “I didn’t know you liked me _that_ much.”

“Please don’t make this about you.” He shot Mahanon a dirty look before turning to me, “Mara, with all due respect, perhaps we should set ground rules for how the lecture should proceed.”

“Sure, why don’t we – ”

“You know, stinky,” Sera said, “The last time I heard you be this enthusiastic it was about elfy shite, you’re not getting the hots for teacher dear here, are you?”

“That is unprofessional – ”

‘Crackheads.’ I thought to myself, turning to the blackboard to draw a diagram for the process of stress, ‘All of them – hilarious and lovable crackheads. No wonder Timotheus loved them.’

The sudden thought of him made my heart ached. I missed him and home so much already.

I looked up to the sky for a moment, trying to drown out everyone’s bickering. I wondered how much longer it would take for me to find that Earthling in Skyhold. How much longer until I could send them home and go with them. Lastly came the longing for our return to Earth. Would we ever even find a way home though?

Sera blew another raspberry into her palm, “Stinky!”

Well, not until this bickering stopped that is.

“First rule – ” I said.

“Really Solas, there’s something about this hobo look of yours that is both endearing and terribly… creative.” Dorian hummed.

“First rule – ” I tried again.

I could hear Solas’ teeth grinding together, “I’m sorry, I couldn’t hear you over your outfit!”

“First – ”

Bull groaned, “Can we please just get on with the – ”

“First rule!” I yelled, my patience already gone at that point. “No interrupting when someone is talking!”

“But you just interrupted him – “ Sera began, only to be met with the glare™ that I’ve used countless of times on all the Earthling newcomers whenever they tried to start shit.

“What’d I say,” Bull whispered, leaning over to Mahanon sitting in front of him. “She’s like a Tamassran, now fork over the gold."

“Fine.” Mahanon whispered and handed him a hefty bag of gold.

I shot them both the same glare and they didn’t say a thing until the lecture ended.

Needless to say, everyone stopped talking (I went to apologize to the three afterward though, I’m not _that_ mean) and the lecture went on as spontaneously planned.

Not that the rules did much help, everyone insisted on breaking each and every one of them. There were many… debates, some fruitful and some not so fruitful, most of them were inane. Things went on until the sun finally began to set, blanketing the garden in its beautiful golden light.

Just as I had gathered my things, ready to leave, Solas stopped me.

“Mara,” he said. “May I have your time, just for a moment?”

“Oh, Solas.” I said, “Sure, of course. What is it?”

“I wanted to thank you for the fascinating lecture, first and foremost.” he said, “It has helped me understand your papers about similar topics you’ve published beforehand.”

“Well thank you.” I smiled, “That’s awfully kind of you."

“Yes, you definitely deserve such praise,” he nodded, returning my smile with one of his own smaller ones, “But I have questions about your other topics – such as emotion, prosocial behavior – altruism, kindness… compassion.”

“Oh, sure, sure.” I nodded, “I can go over with them with you if you’d like, but maybe not now – I still have some work left to finish up on in the library.”

“Of course, I will not keep you from it.” He said, “I hope this isn’t too forward – but perhaps we can speak over it next week? When you have spare time of course.”

“Yeah, definitely!” I said, getting excited. “I’m sorry – it’s just that I don’t meet a lot of people who want to discuss things at such depth, your questions showed that you knew a lot about the concepts I just explained, even though you’ve only read my work. That’s commendable, I’m known for being hard to understand on text.”

I have always used a lot of academic jargon in my works published in Orlais, to help hide the knowledge from those who would misuse it. They’ve always come to me for help to understand, but all Solas needed was to hear me explain once – and he understood. He was a very intelligent man, that was clear as day.

"I can understand," he said, suddenly solemn. “But yes, I did get confused but that is expected from anyone learning something new. There is certainly no shame in that.”

“Definitely no shame!” I said, “I didn’t mean it that way –”

“I know,” he said, that small smile of his returning, “those who are intelligent know that best.”

“Great minds think alike then.” I said, a one-sided smile tugging at my lips.

“That they do,” he said. “And in return, I wanted to introduce you to someone – that boy, Cole?”

“Oh yes,” I said. “He’s quite shy and quiet, isn’t he?”

Solas nodded, “That is his nature afterall.”

“His nature...?”

“Cole is a spirit of compassion who has assumed the form of a young human man.”

My eyes widened.

I was incredibly intrigued. I’ve never met spirits personally, mostly because they seemed to avoid me due to my being so similar to a Tranquil.

He frowned, “I hope you aren’t frightened by spirits.”

“Not at all!” I couldn’t help the excited laughter, “It’s – I’m just very interested in them. I had no idea he was a spirit of compassion, that’s incredible – what can he do? Like, he’s in a human form, does that mean he has humanly functions too? Wait, don’t answer – I want Cole to!”

Solas seemed surprised, “Well… we’ll certainly have time for that later.”

“Perfect!” I said, “I can’t wait.”

“Ah, you said you’re headed to the library – as am I,” he said. “Would you like to walk together?”

“Sure!” I said, the excitement still filling my head up with questions of what I’d ask Cole next week.

We continued to discuss the lecture’s materials briefly as we made our way to his rotunda.

So caught up was I in the day's antics that only when I got to my door did I remember what Timotheus warned me of.

_Oh fuck._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not sure if I'll mention this in future chapters, but in the secret society Mara holds the 'big sister' archetype, so that's why she's good at scolding people!


	4. Black Mirror

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Poor Cole is subject to Mara's dark thoughts in this one :(  
But in any case, there's art for Mara now! 
> 
> https://66.media.tumblr.com/9b076a4e994d9bed1360820cf3b8671e/tumblr_pympqnl9ie1u4njvmo1_1280.png
> 
> Also TW for drug use mention!

The weather that day was uncharacteristically dark, the sky was gloomy and showed signs of heavy rainfall. Skyhold was up in a particularly unusual clamor of chaos, as men and women readied the Inquisitor’s horses and supplies to get to a place called Crestwood. I had arrived at Solas’ rotunda just an hour or two before he and the rest of the Inquisitor’s team would depart for said destination.

“I apologize, Mara,” he said. “I’m not sure we’ll have the time I promised you a week ago.”

“Any time left with him will be just fine, Solas.” I said, already nervous enough with Timotheus’ words ringing in my mind.

Now, on the subject of _time_. Compassion in and of itself is a concept as old as time. No human has ever observed it directly because of its very being of a concept. Whenever psychologists or researchers try to measure it, the process is never done so directly – but indirectly. Fragments of it are what we observe, which is why you might’ve heard these questions (perhaps from tests or from a therapist): how many times do you find yourself helping others? If you saw someone on the street needing help, what would you do?

In truth, compassion is always seen in the acts of man – but only ever in acts, never in the being itself.

Then there was Cole.

There he stood before me, looking as calm as ever, as if he did not know what a wonder he was to me. I stared at him for a while, star-struck, as if the young man was bedazzled by sequins. I tried to move my lips, but all that came were sputters and my horrible attempts at speaking.

Him being there was enough to chase away any nervousness I felt, leaving nothing but that pure child in me filled with curiosity.

“Mara?” Solas asked, nudging me gently. “Mara…?”

“Solas,” Cole said, his soft voice feeling like a wake up slap to my face. “Who is this?”

“Ah… well, Cole,” Solas cleared his throat. “This is Mara, a scholar from the university of Orlais. She studies concepts such as human emotions, values, intelligence, and the like.”

“Oh.” Cole nodded and lifted the brim of his hat, squinting at me.

Again, questions began to fill my mind until I couldn’t focus on anything but the conversation I’d have with Cole.

“Hello!” I smiled nervously, extending my hand for him to shake. “It’s so good to meet you, Cole, I’ve heard so much about you from Solas!”

“We exchanged but one line regarding him last week, Mara.”

I shot him a funny look, “That one line implied much too many things about Cole, Solas, I am... _ecstatic_ to meet him!”

“You don’t… look very ecstatic,” Cole said, frowning, but shook my hand anyways.

I faltered. I had heard the rumors about Cole during the week, about how Vivienne (and even Cassandra to an extent) saw him as a demon and the fact that he would come and go around the servants, cooks, scholars, and researchers. Never leaving a trace, but always finding some strange way to help. I was concerned that I was reacting in the same way as them, I wouldn’t want to cause him any discomfort. He was, afterall, a shining jewel in my eyes, as spirits often are in Thedas.

What a shame that, in the past five years, he was the first one I ever met properly. I would’ve loved to speak to pride, to envy, anger, and hatred. The darkest spirits have always intrigued me most, but the only times I had ever met those were in Kirkwall. They had all assumed a human host and every time they came near me, they would get this weird look on their face and turn away.

It was the same look on Cole’s face.

“Oh,” I frowned. “I’m sorry, did I say something wrong?”

“No, no, I mean… it’s like…” he crossed his arms over his chest. “You smile and your face does all those things people do when they’re happy and excited, but then… there’s nothing there.”

I wondered what he meant exactly, but seeing that he was a spirit – he must’ve seen things much differently than a normal human being. I could only guess that was because he couldn’t see into me.

I tried my best not to look at Solas.

“How fascinating,” I whispered, leading him to sit on Solas’ couch with me. I pulled out my notepad and pencil, nodding, “Please, go on.”

Cole grimaced and looked over to the other man, “Solas?”

Suddenly, there was a muffled call for Solas from outside. He must’ve picked up on it because he eyed the door impatiently, ears twitching ever so slightly.

Ignoring it, he instead responded to Cole with a strange tone of voice, “Cole, what do you mean when you say that there’s nothing there?”

“As in… oh, I don’t know if it’s okay to say this in front of you, Mara.” Cole cocked his head to the side, “But how will I know if you’re hurt?”

When the noise came again, I began to worry.

I tried to change the subject, “Solas, I think someone’s calling for you – ”

Then the door slammed open and in came Mahanon, covered in leaves and mud, looking around frantically until his eyes set upon Solas.

Never knew my saving angel could look so dirty (not in a sexual way, mind you).

“There you are, old man!” he said, moving into the room with Solas’ pack and coat in his arms. “I’ve been calling for you for ages!”

“Inquisitor, it has only been a couple of seconds – ”

“Time is of the essence!” Mahanon urged, forcibly slipping on the older man’s coat and pack. “We need to get to Crestwood, Varric’s friend is there already and we really don’t have time to waste with this storm brewing – oh hello Mara! Hello Cole!”

“Hi – ”

“Bye Mara! Bye Cole!” and then he slammed the door back shut, having dragged Solas away.

“Huh.” I said, turning back to Cole. “I suppose you’re leaving now that Solas is gone?”

Then there was thunder, strong enough that it shook the ground and loud enough that it sounded like it went off just outside the walls of the rotunda. In any case, it made me jump in surprise.

“Not yet,” Cole hummed, “Can I hold your hand?”

“I, uh… sure, if that’d make you feel better?”

“It’s not for me,” he said. “Squeeze if you’re scared.”

“Oh… oh!” I said and wrapped my fingers around his, cold and clammy. “I wasn’t scared, I was startled is all.”

“Your hands are warm.” He said, “It’s hard to see whether you’re scared or startled, happy or not, I can’t see you like I see others.”

“That so?” I smiled, encouraging. “I hope it’s a good thing.”

“Usually, it’s a sign you’re alive, that you’re a person.” He said, his voice suddenly melancholic.

“I see,” I said. “You sound sad when you say it, may I ask why?”

He faltered this time around, eyes growing wide as he kept staring at me. “A clear surface, black waters that ripple when touched, but staring longer into it is nobody but me.”

If it weren’t for the fact that Cole was a spirit, I wondered for a moment if he had some kind of trauma that made it difficult to verbalize words. Then again, he probably did have to go through some traumatic events – living in Thedas, that was a given. Poor man.

“Are you the one who _touches_ these waters Cole?” I asked, “Or is it someone else?”

“Mara,” he said, instead of answering my questions, “You don’t feel sad, you don’t feel like anything. I want to help you, but I can’t see you like everyone else. All I have is hints.”

All he had were hints, so like fragments? Like how I observed fragments of a concept?

“Like a fragment, perhaps?”

“Yes!” he says, happy as if he’s found the perfect word for it. “Like a fragment, instead of seeing it whole I see it in parts – a smile, or a frown, or a twitch in the brows – I don’t think I’ve ever noticed it in people before. Light usually bounces off and into it, it keeps going and going, refracted until its but pieces – I… I never realized.”

“Never realized what, Cole?”

“That it’s always bounced back to me,” he said. “Every time I tried to help, every act, it’s always come back to me. That’s how I’ve always known, the light comes back to me.”

“The act?” I said, jotting down his words. “Do you mean someone has done something kind to you in return?”

“People have, like Mahanon, Solas, The Iron Bull, and Varric too.” He said, fiddling with his thumbs. “But not acts, the light. Everyone has light. Mahanon’s is bright, looking at him is like counting birds against the sun. Solas’ is like a lone star in the night sky. But when I look at you, all I see is myself – ”

I waited for him to gather his words, and when he couldn’t say a thing I tried to help.

“And what do you see, Cole?”

“Myself.”

“Mhm,” I paused. “But what do you see in yourself? Like these lights, do you shimmer? Do you shine like Solas’ lone star, or are you more like Mahanon?”

“Do I shine,” he repeated, eyes suddenly glazed over.

Cole squeezed my hand and I squeezed back.

“There’s no need to be afraid,” I said.

“Aren’t you scared?”

I wasn’t quite sure why, but I felt like I could understand, briefly, what his words meant. If I could infer anything, it was that this was just a young man who was caught up in a mid-life crisis. I would’ve had my doubts that this was compassion, if it were not for that one time I saw him make an old man by the forge forget he was ever there.

He was equal parts spirit and equal parts young man, brand new to the world and probably on his way to a midlife crisis.

“Have you ever felt something was wrong, Cole?”

“What do you mean?”

“Perhaps if something has felt off, that things around you aren’t quite what they used to be.” I said, “I do not want to lead you on to a conclusion, but tell me honestly. Does it ever feel like you’re wandering aimlessly, like you know what you’re supposed to do but it never ends up the way you want? Like you’re doing that thing, but it doesn’t feel right.”

“Yes,” he paused. “Honest.”

“And how long have you been feeling this way?”

“… a while.”

“Have you been putting this off?”

“You could say that.”

“Why?”

“I don’t think anybody understands me,” Cole said, looking down. “Solas tries to, but he’s learning about me too. No one really knows me, not even me.”

“Knowing yourself is the scariest thing in the world sometimes, but it’s the first step sometimes to being okay. And it’s okay to be scared in the process.” I smiled, “I’m here to help you, should you want it.”

“You know me?” he blinked, confused.

“No, no,” I said. “But what you said about me, it’s like I’m a mirror. I reflect you, that’s part of the job that I want – well, I guess I have that job now. I don’t know you, only you do, and it’s my job to be the mirror that lets you see that. Untangle your thoughts into a string of coherency, so that you can understand.”

“Always for me,” he mumbles. “A song in words.”

“You could call it that, harmony made from dissonant verses sung in your head. I think that’s a very pretty and poetic way of calling things,” I said. “Do you like pretty things, Cole?”

“I like it when people are happy.”

I smiled melancholically, “And isn’t happiness the prettiest thing of all?”

His eyes suddenly went wide and next thing I knew, I had a spirit of compassion following me nearly everywhere for the next week or so.

Now, perhaps our conversation didn’t make sense to you. If I could summarize and infer, this was what we both understood: Cole knew I wasn’t like most humans, or most like any Thedosian living being. I’ve always known that there was something about me, about the society, that left us invisible to the Fade’s native inhabitants. I knew that it was because we all grew up in a world where our connection to anything ethereal has always been at a low, thus forcing us to live independently from external help, forcing neural pathways to grow and reinforcing the mental energy (a sub-category in physical energy) exerted in ourselves to help keep things only ever within our own perspectives.

I suppose that was different for Cole, who had inferred that he had always been able to understand others because of a ‘light’ they reflected back into him. Perhaps it was an aura or a ‘vibe’, but for me… well, I guess there was just a lack thereof. Cole liked to look at me when we spoke, something I observed was different when he spoke to other people – he’d keep his head down, mostly looked around. But with me, he looked at me the way a person would look into a mirror – highly critical of everything they saw.

So, in truth, I could gather that Cole saw me like a walking mirror. The reason as to why it was a mirror and nothing else, for a being devoid of ‘light’, still alluded me. Maybe it was because I used to dream of being a psychologist as well as a professor, a professional researcher too, but things don’t always work out that way – do they? Still, these were just speculations.

Alas, I could not hang around that subject any longer to figure that conundrum out. I had other things to attend to, such as the letters from the society and my jobs in Skyhold.

Rachel’s message had been sent to me a day or two prior to my first encounter with Cole, which read:

_Dear Mara,_

_I’m so very glad that you’ve found Skyhold to be so accommodating! Also, since you asked, I’ve delivered that box of chocolates you wanted. I’d love to have some of those pressed flowers from Skyhold, if it won’t bother you too much please send them in!_

_Warm Wishes, Rachel._

The box of chocolates came with the seal still intact and undamaged to show nobody had looked through it. Within the chocolates were pieces of papers, each with a number and a word from the English alphabet on it. When lining up the papers in numerical order, they would spell out this following word:

** _ P H O N E ? _ **

In my response letter, I sent pressed Yucca and Evening Primrose flowers which, if you hadn’t noticed yet, had first letters that spelled out ‘yep’. They, of course, were under different names in Thedas, which is why I also told Rachel in my reply to have these sent to our gardener, Tim (Timotheus, if that wasn’t clear), to have them arranged pretty in her home.

Before I continue, yes, a lot of our messages are convoluted like this. Which is why our reputation as a ‘secret society’ was particularly strong. With a mix of Earth culture hiding behind the extravagance of Orlesian formalities, how many layers would spies need to pick apart? If anything these recent messages we’ve sent to each other were simple compared to those we’ve exchanged prior.

She sent me more chocolates afterwards and a letter saying she won’t have time to send me any letters after this because a new book was currently on its way, nearing the last few stages of publishing. Which I knew was code for ‘_You better look faster, Mara_’.

Rachel had given up writing puzzle books after a scuffle with a racist publisher in Orlais who was mistreating his elvhen servant. This news was so hot, the gossip so juicy, it had even made its way all the way to Skyhold.

Now, three days after Mahanon and his team had left, I was sat in my room. Clutching onto the phone in a fright, hands shaking, with a finger hovering over the volume button. The new box of chocolates, having been emptied out of its contents after I had my delightful fill of them, was on my end-table.

You might be wondering, ‘Mara, how would you be able to get cell service?’. Like I once said to you, dear reader, the Society is made up of ingenious members. Cat had devised a machine that could utilize the waves on the Fade to be a world-wide beacon as our call. There was only one catch, though, and it was that anyone in the Fade would be able to hear our voices.

Which is why phones would only ever be sent to you when there was a particular issue that required instant communication.

Suddenly, it rang.

“Hello?” I said.

“_How goes the news_?” Timotheus’ voice came, speaking in the mother tongue he and I shared.

“_There might be two, because person answered (like a) fluke.” _I replied in the mother tongue, “_Ask the riddler what the question was and a copy of the answer_.”

“_A moment_,” he said.

I waited for a beat before he came back.

“_The question was: what was the name of the sickness that destroyed 1/3rd of the people of Europe_?” he said, “_Person wrote the Black Death_.”

“_Not the blight?_”

“_No_,” Timotheus said. “_You have to hurry. They have begun to move faster into the story, I do not want you there when it… it gets to its thickest_.”

“_I have four months left,_” I said.

“_I see, this will end by the end of the cold ball. You have until then.” He said, “Clarify meaning of two?_”

“_I found_ a _diary, someone else knows the story_.” I said, “_This is… bad_.”

The line was silent for a while, “Fuck.”

“_I know_.”

“_Do you need another one of us?_”

“_No_,” I said. “_Not yet, better not to draw attention. Will call when I do_.”

“_Please_,” he said, pausing, “_please stay safe, above all_.”

“_I will_.”

“_Love you_.”

I smiled, “_Love you, too_.”

Tucking the phone away, I went to bed with nice dreams of coming home to the estate. And when I awoke to the gossip of mages who said they dreamed of two voices in the sky, a brother and a sister, they said, having found each other again, I found myself missing home even more. At least they said it was a very nice dream.

I was glad.

* * *

Cole met me in my office the next day, keeping me company as he always did whenever nobody needed his help just yet. It was a welcome presence, Skyhold was often lonely when you didn’t have a person to talk to. I was enjoying my time speaking to him when Helisma entered, bringing a parcel with the University of Orlais’ insignia on it.

“Lady Mara,” she said. “A parcel from Madam Cat, professor of mechanics, has sent you a parcel.”

I wasn’t the only one within the Orlesian university system you see, Cat was as well but we worked in two completely different faculties. It always surprised people to know we were friends.

Probably would be an even bigger surprise to know we were both from a different planet all together.

“Please just call me Mara, Helisma, I’ve told you so many times.” I sighed, “Please set the parcel here in front of me.”

“Of course,” she said and did just that, “Is there anything else?”

“Hm? Oh, yes, but only if you don’t mind.” I said, already tearing through the parcel excitedly. “I’d like you to be the first one to test it out, Helisma.”

Even that got Cole’s attention.

“She’s going to be hooked up?” he said, “To that thing? That thing you’ve been talking nonstop about?”

“I’m enthusiastic about it, Cole!” I grinned, “It’s science, afterall!”

“I wonder,” he hummed, looking outside the window absentmindedly, “if I’ve ever met a spirit of science, let me think… no, maybe knowledge? Wisdom? Maybe I should ask Solas when he gets back.”

“Lady Mara – ”

I frowned, “Mara, just Mara.”

Helisma paused, “Mara, of course I would like to try it.”

“Really?” I asked, consent with those who were tranquil was a fickle business afterall.

“It will not harm me, thus impeding my duties?”

“The voltage used is small, you won’t feel a thing – not even a tingle.” I said, “Promise.”

“Then alright,” she said, monotone voice not cracking a bit. “What will you have me do?”

I pulled an armchair from the corner of the room to the middle, “Could you just sit here? I’ll attach the machine to you, all you need to do is wait, just relax – ”

I wanted Helisma to be the one to use it first (or anyone nearest to me with tranquility) because I needed a standard to work off of. Using myself would draw too much attention to me, since the activity the machine, the electroencephalogram (EEG for short), would record would be off the charts compared to theirs, hypothetically speaking. I’d have to burn the reports over and over again, which wasn’t exactly I would call ideal.

Attaching the wires to Helisma, I saw Cole watching us with increased curiosity.

“You aren’t going to hurt her, right?” he said.

“Wouldn’t dream of it, Cole,” I said, attaching the rune to the machine. “If anything, I want to help her and everybody else in Thedas.”

“That’s what a lot of bad people say.” He frowned, “That’s the same reasoning Corypheus uses.”

“And Mahanon,” I supplied, nodding towards Helisma. “Ready?”

“Yes.” She replied.

“But for them,” Cole continued, “I can tell. Corypheus wants bad things and Mahanon wants good things. With you… I can’t tell.”

I paused.

“You want to know something, Cole?” I turned the machine on, “I don’t think Corypheus is bad.”

“What?”

“There’s… no such thing as bad or good people, just people who are angry and people who are happy.” I said, “People who desire and people who are content.”

“Are you saying we shouldn’t be fighting Corypheus?” Cole said, voice growing frantic. “How could you say that, after all he’s done? After all the lives he’s taken?”

“I never said we shouldn’t fight him, Cole. He’s killing people, but so are we.” I sighed, “The narrative, from the beginning of time itself, has always been the same. It’s you versus me, them or us, but that’s not the real issue. Because whether you’ve noticed it or not, Cole, whether anyone else has noticed it or not, it’s always been us versus it.”

“It?” he repeated, incredulous. “What is **_it_**?”

“The thing that made Corypheus the man he is now,” I said. “The greed that runs rampant in every heart, the cycle of hatred that will plague every age, the feelings unexplained and left under wraps – left to fester like rotting wounds in every man, elf, Qunari, and dwarf. The horrors of society have never been in the great unknown of beasts, but in the hearts of people that are constantly perpetuated. Then, when things get bad, like now, direct action is required. And this will happen again and again until the end of time.”

Poor man, a product of society.

Which is why, I thought, I didn’t need Timotheus to tell me how the story would end. It would either end in forgiveness or perpetual hatred that stops a previous hatred. Whoever the actors would be, it would still be the same – and it seemed, if my observations were worth anything, that the latter, the hatred, would wind again.

I paused from reading the papers being printed out, “Did I scare you, Cole?”

He only watched me, eyes wide open like he was, indeed, afraid. Because he did not know me, he couldn’t see into me and find me in the torrent of feelings I was currently going through.

With the weight of time, my duty, and the existential dread of the chance that maybe, just maybe, I would die in Thedas, I couldn’t help but begin to spiral.

It was in these moments that I wished I had my pills.

“Go hold Helisma’s hand, Cole,” I said. “Perhaps that will ease you.”

He hesitated before walking over to her and I watched in surety as the lines indicating activity began to lower with every step he took towards her. It just confirmed my suspicions, that the closer you were to the Fade, that being Cole in this context, the less your own mind functions – switching to other alternatives for strength, for coherency. Like an addiction.

Then the activity began to pick up again and I looked up to find Cole had disappeared.


	5. Itsy Bitsy Spider (Pt. 1)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara reminisces on the past and finds a lead.
> 
> TW: Drug Abuse mention

I didn’t see Cole for a while since our small scuffle. Partly because he was avoiding me and partly because I was, as always, busy with work. The results from Helisma were incredibly helpful and I gave her a couple of gold and silver coins as compensation. With her results as a guideline, all I had to do was submit the list of participants I had in mind to Fiona and wait for her to get her feedback.

Now on the day I had to submit said papers, Fiona sat us down in the library by a table next to the window. I looked around to find Solas’ table clean of any messy stacks of paper, as well as Dorian’s nook free from books thrown carelessly on the floor (usually those about the history of the south’s divines). The two were still with the Inquisitor in Crestwood. I hadn’t really noticed because I was stuck in my office for the past two days making sure my research design and ethical clearance papers were ready to go.

“Mara,” Fiona said. “I’ve looked over the papers for you and I must say, you certainly live up to your reputation.”

“Oh, well thank – ”

“As a workaholic.”

“Thank you?”

She frowned, “That wasn’t a compliment.”

My cheeks turned red at that, “Well at least the work is done!”

Fiona sighed, “You certainly give out advice far better than taking it. Mara, your research that was recommended to the Inquisition was about good time management, good environments, and a good work ethic. We cannot have you staying locked up in your office for hours without end, you need to rest. You must practice what you preach.”

“I know,” I sighed, relenting. “But I have limited time here, I just want to get this work done fast. The Inquisition could really benefit with this knowledge as well, especially if I can get it done as fast as I can.”

“Speed does not guarantee quality, Mara.” Fiona said, “Your design is good, but I believe you’ve forgotten to include the varieties of mages – whether they are apprentices, enchanters, or perhaps even hedge mages. How long have they been practicing magic? How well are they in doing it?”

She got me there, I had forgotten to include the specifics for mages.

“Oh my God,” I groaned. “You’re right! I’m so sorry, I’ll add that right away – ”

Fiona held up a hand, “No.”

“No?”

“No, I am putting you on temporary suspension for this research. And before you start complaining again, I have already contacted the University and have… advised them, gently, with the help of Lady Josephine, that you are needed elsewhere in the Inquisition.”

“Elsewhere?” I bristled, “Are you relocating me?”

“No, not exactly. If anything we’re giving you full-run of Skyhold,” she said, pulling out a folded letter. “Here are the details. To summarize, you will be put under Commander Cullen’s division to assess in more detail those who go down to the battlegrounds – including soldiers, battle mages, medics, and spies. Including the inner circle.”

“What?” I said, “But isn’t that more… work? Isn’t that the opposite from what you want?”

“For the outer circle, you will be aided by your apprentices from the University. You will be working in a four person team, not including yourself.” She said, “But you yourself will assess the inner circle, since a more in-depth approach will be needed. So no, there will be actually less work for you and more reason for you to have to leave your office.”

And that was how I eventually ended up in Cullen’s office. The two of us exchanged awkward smiles, unsure of how to act given the strange history we had.

“Mara,” he nodded, gesturing for me to sit. “It’s good to see you today.”

“Wish I could say the same to you, Cullen.” I sighed, “Wish it was under… different circumstances.”

“Not too keen on stepping out of the office?”

“Not too keen on having my research being postponed like this.” I sighed.

He hummed, “Well, a week or two working with me won’t be so bad would it? By the way, may I have the letter Fiona gave you?”

I stayed silent for a while before handing him the papers.

“It’d be nice to see you again around the place, Mara.” He paused, musing over the piece of paper as he scribbled things on it. “Just like old times.”

I propped my chin up on my hand and looked out the small window in his room, feeling wistful, “Sure.”

Cullen and I were old friends. We met each other in Kirkwall all those years ago, back when he was a templar and I worked as an assistant of sorts for Meredith’s more legislative duties. My duties were, amongst many, drafting orders, reports, and organizing them for ease of access. The pay was good for such a simple job, but I suppose it was because finding someone who was literate in Kirkwall was difficult enough. I lived in Hightown as well and was good friends with many Templars.

Of course, this was before I fully understood the mechanisms of Thedas.

In my eyes, at the time, I saw the Templars as people who I could trust and those who stood to protect the mages as well as everyone else. Of course, I was sorely mistaken. But the situation was strange enough for me, I needed to be able to grapple onto some sense of what was going on – the visual of a knight in shining armor just spoke to me, it seemed.

I awoke in a world not of my own, barely recovering from my addiction to drugs and having lost nearly everything on Earth. It was because of my addiction that I lost my job and my chance at education so I could get my master’s degree. I’d tried everything to stop before things got bad, but I guess since nothing was working the universe had to pull out their last card and send me to another alternate universe. Or at least that’s how I always see it, because there must have been a reason I was sent to this alternate universe, right?

An alternate universe where no drug but Lyrium existed, one where I was also immune to it. Alone in Thedas, I was subject to many lonely withdrawals and nights spent craving that sensation, those feelings the pills and powders could only grant me. It was a wonder how I didn’t die yet, for many of those times I felt like I could die if I couldn’t fulfill my cravings. How ironic it was that Meredith was the one who helped me during these tough times.

She once asked me if I had ever been in contact with Lyrium, I never did tell her but I suspected she drew up her own conclusions. This was before things really went to shit, before the irony of her ending came – that she herself was consumed by Lyrium. Red Lyrium.

She was a different person then, kinder and more understanding to the normal folk like me. She hated mages, that was for sure, but had a special kind of care for the people who were born with neither the prowess of a warrior, the dexterity of a rogue, and the powers of a mage. I remembered the times when she’d ask me how I could calculate numbers so fast or how I knew formulas for things as simple as the volume of a cube or the correct size of a triangle.

I think she meant it as a compliment, but it really put me on the spot.

So I just played the goody two-shoes card. I told her that I was abandoned by a noble family in Tevinter because I was born out of wedlock and a non-mage, escaped from being a slave. I told her that I loved to study, saved up all my money to buy books when I could. It’s a classic tear-jerker tale, but I could never forget the look on her face when she heard this and believed. She told me how she wished more people were like me.

The me who had lied to her face, was a drug-addict, and basically had lost her job and seat in university all in one night before landing in Thedas? Or the me who narrowly escaped slavery, was a bastard child from ‘evil’ Tevinter?

I suppose she meant studious people. People who were well-educated enough to read books and see the real puppets pulling the strings. Nobles and royalty, orchestrating things so conflict kept the little people so busy they’d never realize who was always up there.

That was a topic that we could at least speak honestly about. Many nights after work we’d stay back with the candles burning, open up a bottle of wine for her and two more for me. We grew… close, then closer until I suppose I developed feelings for her. Cullen thought the entire thing was romantic and became my wingman for a while. Those days were filled with hapless attempts of courting her and her courting me. The only thoughts on my mind being what I could offer her, having nothing but my superfluous knowledge and the feelings I had for her. How could I provide for her?

Being with her made me forget about Earth and all my past failures. All that was, when I was with her, were the endless conversations and the revelations we shared with each other.

They were such simpler times. But things happened. And it ended in me losing her, even before she died on the battlefield, I had lost her to red Lyrium.

On the night before she left to fight Hawke, I had held her in my arms and begged her not to go. That this wasn’t worth it and for a moment, in her blaze of anger and aggression, I saw the woman I felt for cupping my cheek and kissing me for the first and last time.

Too stunned was I that I didn’t hear her last words, couldn’t remember much of anything except watching her leave through the door and hearing the chaos outside. It took me a while to recover, but by the time I did the fires in the destroyed Chantry had spread, heading closer to my home. Only then did I realize Meredith had told me to run.

I took everything I could carry from my room, some books, papers, money, and sentimental things – like a medallion of hers. When I ran off into the streets, that was when I met Timotheus. He was covered in burn marks and scratches, carrying his cracked, flickering phone. It wasn’t something I had expected to see in all of Thedas so I stared for a long while before it finally clicked in my mind that he was from Earth, that I wasn’t alone.

He looked visibly shaken when the sound of Templars came from the alleyways, they were looking for a boy with dark skin, badly bruised, in peasant clothes, and carrying a magic box. I grabbed Tim and hid him behind a stack of barrels. When the Templars came, they instantly recognized me and asked if I had seen a young boy pass. I told them I did, that he went the other way, and they thanked me – told me to run to the docks if I wanted to survive. There was a ship to take nobles away.

I was Meredith Stannard’s assistant, I could use that opportunity to save myself and the boy.

I told Timotheus who I was, presented evidence (the clothes I used when I had arrived in Thedas) of it and convinced him to run with me. He agreed and we fought against the masses towards the ships. Now, I don’t know if it was just me hallucinating in the panic, but I swore I saw people like Tim – fleeing the fires with their phones, only to be ambushed by Templars driving swords and spears into them. It was only my recognizable face that provided us entrance to the ships.

I remembered the bandits we ran into on the streets, like early vultures ready to pick off the corpse of Kirkwall. I remembered that being the first few times I ever drew a knife to kill a person, each blow I pulled reminding me of days spent training with Meredith – having her gently lead me to a stance to pull a dagger on someone, how I’d be able to counter a move, and pin them against the ground – but instead of those bandits, all I saw was her. The smile and grin, the smirk and her blue eyes, her body close to mine as we tumbled to the ground.

I had fought tears as I drove my dagger into them, memories of her fogging my mind and causing me to have a breakdown in the middle of the chaos. Timotheus struggled to get me to my feet. It was hell to make the rest of the journey to the boats. I’m not sure what took hold of me then, but I remembered screaming at the officers about who I was and showing them Meredith’s crest, pushing through the crowds with Timotheus’ hand in mine, a vice like grip on his wrist, and never relenting until we were on board. I never stopped crying and I held onto this strange boy like he was a lifeline.

Then we were in Orlais and I went to University. Then we found Rachel, Cat, Yeong-Hwa, and everyone else, made the Secret Society, and for a long time I forgot Meredith ever existed. Until that day when I sat in Cullen’s office and I swore I saw Meredith instead of Cullen speaking to me.

“Mara?” he said, his words cutting through my reverie. “Mara, did you hear me?”

“Oh… no, I – uh.” I paused, “I’m sorry… what were you saying?”

“A lot, but basically today’s agenda for you is that you’ll be checking up on Blackwall, Leliana, Sera, Cassandra, and Vivienne.” He frowned, “You were drifting for a long while, are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

He frowned, “Mara. I’ve known you for long enough to know that isn’t true.”

“Then why’d you ask?”

“Is it wrong for a friend to ask how you’re doing?”

I smiled, tired. “No, there’s nothing wrong with that. I’m sorry.”

“Is it her?” he said, voice dropping to a whisper.

“Yes.” I admitted, quiet and shameful.

“Do you, uh,” he sputtered for a moment. “Do you want to talk about it?”

I lifted my head and squinted at him, still with a smile, “Maybe later.”

“After the day is done then,” he said. “Would you like to meet back in my office? I’ll bring wine, your favorite one.”

“Do they sell it in the Tavern?” I hummed, my body suddenly feeling like it weighs a ton. “I never noticed.”

“That’s because you barely go to the Tavern, Mara.” He chuckled, pulling off his glove and reaching for my hand.

I smiled even wider at the sight. Cullen and I had a hobby of doing this back in Kirkwall, when either of us were experiencing… withdrawals (for Cullen, it was when Lyrium shipments arrived late), we’d just hold each other’s hands and just sit there, staring at nothing. Maybe it had something to do with me being a Black Mirror, like what Cole said, but who knows? Holding hands platonically with him has always been a comfort.

I wrapped my fingers around his, gently, “How are you, Cullen?”

“Truthfully?”

I nodded.

“Horrible,” he said and laughed a hoarse laugh, making it sound like this was nothing more than an everyday thing. Which it was.

“Talk to me,” I said and wrapped both my hands around his, sharing my warmth. “Before I start with everyone for the day’s agenda, let’s start with you.”

“Ah,” he blinked, realizing. “I forgot myself.”

When I found myself rubbing circles on his hand I released my hold on him. There was a reason why Cullen and I never spoke since Kirkwall, why no letters were ever exchanged, and why I never contacted any other Templar ever again.

I was going to leave Thedas one day, I had my own friends now – my own little organization. To make friends like him again was to remember Meredith, was a hindrance to my goal to return home. I couldn’t afford these relationships, they would cripple me. And though Cullen’s face of hurt and confusion struck my heart, I knew it would be kinder in the long run.

“It happens to the best of us.” I said and gestured for him to go on.

* * *

I went to Blackwall first. He lived in a run-down barn with a small bonfire as the only source of heat in the frigid fortress. I had my coat wrapped around me tightly as I greeted him with a smile. He seemed surprised to see me, bumbling over the first couple of sentences as he made a charming attempt in treating me as a lady.

“Just Mara, Blackwall.” I laughed, sitting on the stack of hay he provided for me. “I’m a scholar, not a noble nor a lady.”

“Of course –” Blackwall cleared his throat, “I apologize. You did say that during your lecture, didn’t you? Fascinating topics you have.”

“Why thank you!” I said, “I’m glad you attended it, I had no idea you would be interested in my field of research.”

“I’ve read a couple of your work during my time in the Hinterlands,” he said. “Makes for good night reading, if you understand it that is. There were a couple of things I didn’t understand that well, so when Inquisitor Lavellan told me you’d be holding a lecture – well, let’s just say I was eager to learn.”

“Yes, you asked a couple of questions during the lecture. I remember that.” I nodded, “I’m glad to see a fine Grey Warden such as yourself finding things you’d like to learn about.”

“Yes,” he said and I noticed he averted his eyes, the bearded smile not quite reaching his eyes. “Well, we do study things as well. Mostly about the Blight, but when you’re out on the road then there isn’t always time to study again. I welcome any chance to be able to learn, all that handy knowledge… locked up for nobles to hoard, like dragons. Doesn’t seem very fair.”

Now that piqued my interest. This was thinking ahead of its time and, if I could make any inference, if even Blackwall was thinking this way, there could be a revolution coming soon to Thedas. This world was somewhat parallel to Earth, with Orlais being close to France as an example. Outside of blights and magic, I could foresee a future for them where perhaps industrial revolutions would take place, the creation of guns (the Qunari were close), mass demonstrations, and perhaps even the creation of democracy. Who knows?

“I agree,” I said. “Which is why I’m happy to have seen your face in the lecture. Though, the Inquisitor never told me that the lecture would’ve been open to the public.”

“He didn’t?” Blackwall said, his bushy eyebrows raising.

I smiled meekly, “There was miscommunication.”

“Well, still I – ”

“Hey broody-beard!” A voice rang out.

The two of us turned to find Sera with a face-splitting grin, hauling her quiver of arrows and what looked to be a brand new bow. It was white and fancy with shapes of swans on the ends. She was apparently also dressed up in armor.

“Sera?” Blackwall said, “What are you doing, dressed up like that?”

“One of the medics said they’re running out of blankets so I was thinking of hunting some druffalo fur,” she said, walking over to where Blackwall’s big hulking sword was. “Decided to help, you in?”

“Sera, you know I always am but – ”

“Great!” she said and threw the sword at Blackwall, making me shriek in fright as he narrowly caught it safely.

“Sera!”

“Hey, least you caught it.” She laughed then turned to me, “Sorry Professor, fancy seeing you here. Never see you leave the office, wouldn’t think of seeing you hanging around broody-beard o’er here. Also, fair warning, don’t try anything. He’s got his eyes set on Lady Ambassador, hah!”

“Sera – ” Blackwall begun, cheeks tinted red (whether out of embarrassment or the cold I couldn’t tell).

“Just Mara, Sera.” I sighed, trying to regain my composure. “And no, I am not trying anything with him today. Commander Cullen instructed me to check up on the members of the inner circle today.”

“What?” she said, “So like, me too?”

I nodded, “Just a simple interview and conversation, nothing too heavy.”

“Well, it’s a good thing I came over!” she grinned, “Why don’t y’come with us then? Two birds with one stone!”

“I’m not sure I should be the one to take for hunting,” I said.

“Oh please, I know you’re good with a dagger.”

“A dagger against a druffalo?” I arched my eyebrow, “Besides, I’m rusty. I haven’t fought anyone in a while.”

“Well… probably not the best idea then.” She said, “But can’t we just get this today? My schedule’s gonna be busy soon, super packed.”

“Packed?” Blackwall asked, “With what?”

“Pies.”

“Pies?” I asked.

Her grin turned more devious, “A _lot_ of pies.”

“Sera,” I said. “Don’t even think about it!”

“Knobs here are getting too knobby,” she shrugged. “Servants keep complaining, kinda my job to listen.”

“Complaining?” I said, “What about?”

“Calling people knife ear, mistreating ‘em. Bruises, bad bruises.” She said, voice edged with anger.

“That’s unfair, but I don’t think pies will do much.” I said, “Can I suggest another way?

Sera smiled brightly at that, “You’ve got a better way in doing it? Y’know, ala Josie style?”

“My style.” I said, “I’ll talk to them for you.”

“Manipulate them, you mean.” She grinned.

“I didn’t say that.” I said, mirroring her grin.

Blackwall cleared his throat, “You two seem close. Wouldn’t imagine Sera here being a friend of yours, Mara.”

“We had run-ins back in the University, knobs messin’ with the elf scholarship students or servants. Mara helped me from time to time.”

“You did?” Blackwall said, sounding surprised.

“I’m in a position of power in the university, with great power comes great responsibility – or so the saying goes.”

In the corner of my eyes, I saw a stable boy tense up and look behind him. He locked eyes with me, green eyes wide with surprise. Having stared at each other long enough, he shuffled away quietly.

“Huh.” I said.

“I think your little quote impressed him,” Blackwall laughed, “not going to lie, it was a good one.”

“Yeah, well,” I frowned. “I didn’t think it up.”

“Then who did?” Sera asked.

“Uncle of a guy who got bit by a spider.”

Blackwall cocked his head to the side, “That’s oddly specific.”

‘Could it be?’ I wondered to myself, a dawning realization creeping upon me. ‘Could that have been the writer of the diary?’

“Excuse me,” I said, fumbling to get to my feet as fast as I could. “I have business with that kid.”

“Mara?”

I was already running after the boy by the time Blackwall was calling after me. The look he had in his eyes, the way he tensed up – could it be? Could it be I had found who I was looking for? Was he the diary writer? Was he the real E, who gave the answer to Mahanon? Was he both, or could the two be entirely separate people? Probably were different, a stable boy wasn’t quite exactly a high-ranking place in Skyhold. Even still, I needed to know who this boy was, if he was the diary writer or just a completely different person.

If he was another person entirely, this would complicate things even more. It was then when it dawned on me. The Inquisition was slowly becoming a beacon of hope for pilgrims and refugees of war zones, they’d have an onslaught of Earthlings as well – should there be any amongst them. It seemed I would have to call for some backup, then.

Sera’s voice cut through my thoughts, slowing my jog so that I could turn around, “Are you still coming with us to go hunt the druffalo? We’ll be there until sundown!”

“Yeah, sure! Whatever!” I said. Afterall, I still needed to assess the two and it seemed like I had no choice but to go find them somewhere in the snowy valley later.

With that taken care of, I rushed after the stable boy. I pushed through groups of people, sight locked on the boy walking too fast for a person who had not just given himself away. He turned around again, anxious, and we locked eyes again. My breath hitched in my chest and I steeled myself, letting go of the urge to continue my chase. Enough people were staring, Blackwall and Sera were going to be suspicious as well. I could just tell them that this was the boy who was bitten by the spider, that we had known each other for a while.

That is, if he was from Earth. If he wasn’t… well, there’s always a reason to use a dagger or two.

“Boy!” I called, “I need help with preparing a stable. I’d like to have a horse sent from the university soon, I need to reserve a place for her.”

Frustrated, he pressed his lips together into a tight-lipped smile and walked down the steps of Skyhold.

“Of course, Serrah.” He said, “I… come with me.”

I inclined my head and followed him back to the barn, relieved to see Blackwall and Sera gone. The horse-master wasn’t present either, probably out to have lunch while this young boy took care of the stables in the meantime.

We stood by the horse pen in the shadows, two of us staring down at one another.

I was confused. If I were him, I would’ve realized something was off about me. But not in a bad way. A spiderman reference shouldn’t have put anyone off, logically speaking.

“Hello,” I said, gently. Attempting to be more friendly.

“Hi?” he arched an eyebrow, “Serah, what would you – ”

“With great power comes great responsibility.” I repeated, watching as he winced. I looked around, remembering I had to keep my guard up in case any of Leliana’s spies were watching. “You reacted when I said that, in a way not a lot of people do. Are you familiar with that saying?”

He was silent.

“Why won’t you answer me? I’m not going to hurt you,” I lied. “If you don’t, then that’s okay. If you do, then… well, that changes a lot of things.”

“What does it change, exactly?”

“That I know that your uncle was a fine man.”

He bristled at that and I became even more confused. Did he still need convincing or was he just not from Earth? Or worse, he knew about people like me?

“You know him then, must’ve spoken to him.” He said, eyes sharp. “Has he sent you for me? What does he want?”

“For you to go home,” I said, keeping my voice at a calm. “How old are you?”

He paused, “16.”

“Young,” I whistled. “You seem reluctant to go home, why?”

“Do you honestly think I can just leave Skyhold? I have a job here!” he hissed, sounding angry I had even asked but I could tell it was something more. “I can’t go back anyways, home’s… home’s gone.”

My mind ran with assumptions, trying to understand his behavior. He seemed jittery because he kept playing with his fingers, eyes were shifty as well which indicated hypervigilance, he was also irritable, easy to agitate with the slightest words, and there was a lot of mistrust in our conversation. I wondered if this was PTSD, for he certainly indicated it was. Then again, it wouldn’t do good to assume without knowing more.

“Hey, hey, it’s alright. It’s okay. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have caught up to you like that.” I said, trying to soothe him. “It’s just I know a lot of people like you, people who think there’s no way they’ll ever get home. But that’s not true, they – we’re trying to build a way back home. It might not be the same since you left it, but it’s still home.”

He frowned but I noticed him relaxing ever so slightly, “What are you saying?”

“I look at you,” I said. “And I see the woman I was so many years ago. Alone in Thedas with no one, caught in the disaster in Kirkwall. I knew a boy like you, who needed help and I gave it to him. I want to help you… um, sorry, I seem to have forgotten to ask for your name.”

“It’s Alex.” He said.

“Alex,” I repeated. “That’s a nice name.”

“I know your name, it’s Ser Mara.”

“Just Mara, Alex.” I said, “Alex. I’m really happy to have found you and I don’t want to frighten you, I honestly just want to help. No strings attached, there’s nothing I want from you than for you to be able to get home.”

“Home?” he whispered.

I smiled and leaned down slightly to wrap him in a hug, whispering in his ear, “Earth.”

The hug he returned was fierce and I could feel his tears wet my shoulder through my clothes.

“Who are you?” he whimpered, releasing his hold on me. “How’d you find me?”

I took out the journal from my leather bag, presenting it before him, “This helped. Are you it’s owner?”

“Yes!” he gasped, “May I?”

“Of course,” I said. “It’s yours but… uh, I might have torn out a page by accident.”

He went red at that, “You read it?! That’s an invasion of privacy!”

“Sorry!” I smiled apologetically, “But don’t worry, I won’t tell Krem.”

He punched me on the arm, hard.

“Ow!”

“That’s what you get for reading it!” he huffed, rubbing his tears away. “But… thanks, though.”

“And so the hostility is gone.” I said, “Where’d it go, I wonder?”

“Don’t make me hit you again.

“Little brat,” I grinned and ruffled his auburn hair. “Come find me tonight at the tavern, I’ll buy you an age appropriate drink and good food.”

Still, he was hesitant for a moment before he relented.

“Fine,” Alex said. “I’ll see you then. Do you still need the stables?”

I nodded, “I hope it’s okay.”

“It’s…” he looked down at his journal, “It’s okay.”

“Good to hear,” I said and inclined my head. “Now, I’ve got work to do. I’ll see you later, Alex.”

He nodded, “Bye Mara.”

And with that he was gone, racing back to wherever he was headed before. I smiled, feeling a silver of victory in me. I had found someone from Earth! At long last, but I still had questions to ask of him. If he had said anything to Mahanon, especially, that could’ve lead the answer to ‘Black Death’.

I sighed, rubbing my temples. And on top of that I’d have to report back to Tim about the situation. I had limited time in Skyhold. Which meant the society would eventually have to send another person after me to continue monitoring any other new Earthling’s arrival in the Inquisition. But we had so little members who would be able to stay in the Inquisition for longer than a month, they’d either be a politician in Orlais or someone like Rachel or maybe even Cat. But Cat was off figuring out a way to work through any magical artifact to get us home. She was already busy enough with the Eluvian, even with Timotheus’ help.

Everyone else had their duties to keep the estate running too.

Suddenly, a cough snapped me out of my reverie. I turned around to see Leliana, sauntering over to me with a rather odd smile.

“Lady Mara,” she said. “Could you come with me for a moment?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't know if you can tell by the tags on this fic, but Mara has shit taste in people to date.


	6. Itsy Bitsy Spider (Pt. 2)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Mara is at her wit's end.

Leliana walked with me to the small, old library at Skyhold’s ground floor. As we passed the cooks and servants, she smiled politely and continued to talk animatedly about the newest chocolates in Val Royeaux. I straightened my back and walked with her in a relaxed manner, nodding and adding my own comments – refusing to show any sign of fear. Which is not to say I was not afraid, I was terrified. Mostly because depending on how I’d word my answers, there was a chance where I’d perhaps let the secret on the existence of the society slip.

As we headed into the dimly lit library, I heard the sound of a key turning and the lock sliding in. The sound of Leliana’s heels clicking on the floor echoed and as she leaned in to whisper in my ear, it took everything in me to resist the shiver.

“Sit with me for a moment, Lady Mara.” She said, gesturing towards a stool for me to sit on while she took the big, dusty, and luxurious leather seat. Gathering my skirts, I sat myself down with as much grace as I could muster.

“What would you like to talk about, Lady Nightingale?” I said, noting that with the formalities she used I’d have to respond just in kind.

Leliana smiled wider, “What kind of row are you trying to cause, Madam?”

“Whatever do you mean?” I said, returning her smile and crossing my leg over the other.

Both she and I knew the influence and presence I had in Thedas. And while that was not always a guarantee for your survival, seeing as many nobles died each and every day, the Inquisition and, by extension Orlais, needed me. If anything, I could only guess Leliana was assessing me for until what point will my use run out and when she’d have to kill me.

But a row? She was accusing me for causing a row?

What error had I committed aside from offering a child a home?

“Messere Solas has reported very strange things about you.”

Oh.

Oh thank God, that meant the society would still be safe.

“Really?” I said, letting myself lean back – not forgetting all my fear, or else it would’ve prompted her to dig for more. “Well, if he had an issue with me I would’ve been all ears. Oh well, we’re here now. What does he have to say?”

“He says that you are… unlike us. All of us.” She said, her shoulders shaking in mirth as she pulled out a small flask, nudging it towards me. “That is the first time Solas has referred to everyone as Us, it is not a word he uses lightly since our races polarize us so deeply.”

“Us?” I said, “Are you sure he isn’t referring to the Inquisition?”

“No, no.” she said, speaking languidly. “He mentioned Thedas _specifically_. Now, Lady Mara, you and I are very much alike. We like facts, we like science, yes? And we both don’t like being lied to, don’t like having our time wasted, yes? So I will cut to the chase.”

She nudged the flask again.

“I want you to drink from this.”

I furrowed my eyebrows, “And what is this?”

She smiled again, curled lips full of deadly promises and threats.

“Lady Mara, please.” She said, words trailing off like a lullaby.

“Lady Nightingale, I will speak bluntly. If this is an attempt to kill me…” I trailed off, “The Inquisition is powerful, but I’m not sure if this would be in their best interests.”

“You are accusing _me_ of murder? Why, I’d never do such a thing!” Her eyes narrowed ever so slightly, “And who are you to know of the Inquisition’s interests?”

“I know what a struggle for power looks like, I know both you and I have played the Game far too many times for it to be healthy.” I frowned, “I am not a spy. I am not your enemy. If anything, I am a neutral party – ”

“Neutral when you almost convinced that boy, Cole, that Corypheus wasn’t entirely evil?”

“Lady Nightingale, surely you cannot be that naïve – Corypheus is – ”

“A man, yes, I know. A man who has become the product of an unfortunate environment, of an unfortunate society, yes, I know. I’ve read your papers, I would not have agreed to Lady Rachel’s requests if it weren’t for your actual credentials.” She sighed, “But to spread such ideas, in Skyhold? At the heart of the Inquisition? One questions whether you really are for Us, for not just the Inquisition but for Thedas. Meserre Solas seems to be in agreement as well.”

I rubbed my eyes tiredly, “And what are you suggesting I should do, Lady Nightingale?”

I reprimanded myself silently. This was still the middle ages technically, where freedom of speech, especially at such a tense time, was not always protected. I was tired at the time and the idea just slipped out, it must have scared Cole so much he told Solas. Fucking hell.

When I opened my eyes, I nearly fell backwards seeing Leliana tower over me, bringing the flask to my lips.

“That you never repeat such sentiments,” she sneers. “And to drink this.”

“I will accept my sentence of silence, but no – I will not drink this.”

“Then you will be forcibly removed from Skyhold, Mara. Or perhaps execution, the Inquisitor will have no problem, rest assured. For his outgoing personality and benevolent ways, there is at least one thing he does not tolerate,” she said and I took note at her lack of title when addressing me, “We, meaning he, I, and everyone else, do not accept traitors within and outside this fortress.”

“Traitor?” I bristled, “I might not think so black and white about Corypheus but I would never sink to his level of brutality, nor would I be dragging people into secluded corners of Skyhold to silence their opinion!”

“Then drink this,” Leliana said, but I could see she wanted to say more. “I will not ask again.”

There was a long silence before I took the flask from her, hesitantly lifting it to my nose.

It smelled of nothing.

I debated for a long while whether I’d listen to her. I had no idea what was in it and what it’d do to me if I did drink it, but I had a good grasp on what would’ve happened if I didn’t drink from it. Leliana was smart and she’d no doubt start hunting for all my ‘contacts’ or ‘relatives’, which would lead her to the society and would further lead to two outcomes – either they’d be found out and exposed, or they’d have to scatter and never see each other again. There probably was the third outcome, but I didn’t want to think of it.

Either way they’d be doomed, and on this Trolley conundrum I was in, I knew I’d rather take the fall.

I grimaced, “Then at the very least tell me what this is?”

She arched an eyebrow, “It is a truth serum.”

“A truth serum?” I said, “And you expect me to believe that?”

She did not entertain a reply.

I stared at the tiny black hole of the silver flask in my hands before lifting it up to my lips, tilting my head back, and swallowing the tasteless liquid inside. When I finished, I lifted my hand to wipe the excess from my lips and saw that it’s color was purple.

Just as fast, Leliana took the flask from me and screwed the lid back on. Collecting whatever else she brought with her, she moved fast for the door. I could only stand there in mild shock, waiting until the side-effects kicked in – waited until my vision darkened or something akin to it. Instead, there was nothing. Just like how it tasted, just like how it smelled… nothing.

“Does it have a name?” I found myself asking, not really knowing whether Leliana was still there. “The serum, does it have a name?”

I turned to find Leliana staring blankly at me, as if waiting, like I was, for a reaction. Then she smirked and looked at me as if I was some interesting lab rat.

“Since you drank it and seem to be alright, I will tell you.” She said, “A drink from the Qunari. They call it _Qamek_, it’s used to turn people Tranquil.”

I felt my heart drop.

“How peculiar that it didn’t work on you, Lady Mara,” she said, bowing her head in mock respect. “I’ll see you around then, thank you for your time.”

And with that and the sound of the door being unlocked, I was left there staring dumbfoundedly after her.

_Fuck._

* * *

It was probably three in the morning at the time. I had stayed up nearly the entire night close to a breakdown on a phone-call with Tim and Yeong-Hwa. They were the only two available at such a late hour and sat with me patiently as I cried, offering words of comfort in an effort to calm me down.

“I’m not sure what to do,” I sobbed in my native tongue, hearing Tim whisper the translation to Yeong-Hwa in Korean. “I fucked up, I messed up really badly. I think you guys need to get ready in case – ”

“My friend, you don’t have to be afraid. We’re not going anywhere and we’re not leaving you to suffer there, we’ll pick you up – ”

“No!” I said and covered my mouth in an effort to stop my voice from trembling, “I need to stay here, I’ve found someone and… shit.”

“Hello?” Yeong-Hwa’s voice came through, “What’s wrong?”

“I forgot about him! He’s still waiting for me by the Tavern!” I said, moving fast to fasten my boots and shoelaces on.

“What? Who?”

“A boy! He’s like us, but he isn’t the only one – ”

“Does he have connections with E?” Tim’s voice came through.

Yeong-Hwa came through next, “Not the only one?”

“I need to go but I’ll tell you quick,” I said, holding the phone between my shoulder and ear as I took a spare quilt into my arms. “Young boy, looked visibly scared when I met him, in early teens, and is working in hard labor – promised dinner with him. He wrote the journal, but unlikely to have written the letter or even spoken to E, will need to look more, I need to go – ”

“Where is he?”

“Bar, tavern.”

“It’s late! I doubt he’s still there!” Yeong-Hwa reasoned.

“You left a boy alone?!” Timotheus said, “At the tavern?!”

“I’m sorry!”

“You better get to him right now! I swear to fuck, if I were him – ”

“I’m hanging up now!”

“Bye!” Yeong-Hwa said cheerfully.

“Take care! And hurry!” Timotheus said, though a tad bit less cheerful.

Wasting no time, I buried my phone deep into my suitcase and booked it toward the Tavern. I opted to run up the ramparts, carrying with me an old quilt and some furs and dressed in my night-gown. My hair probably looked like a mess, dark brown curls tied in a relaxed bun being thrown up by the cold winds. I shook off any remnant of concerns about my appearance and ran downstairs and into the tavern.

Frantic, I pulled open the door abruptly and startled some of the tavern’s sleeping customers awake. Guilt made my heart drop the minute I saw a small, sleeping boy on the furthest table at the corner of the tavern, his head buried in his arms. His auburn hair glowed bright in the candle-light and I moved towards him, slowly pulling the quilt over him as I pulled up a seat beside him.

“Hey,” I whispered. “Alex?”

“Hrm,” he said, barely awake.

“Alex,” I said in a sing-song voice, shaking him gently. “Alex? It’s Mara, I’m sorry I was late.”

“Hm.”

“I was caught up in something else, but I’m here now.” I said, cursing silently at how shaky my voice was. “I’m here, I’m sorry I…”

“I thought you lied to me,” he said and I saw his green eyes taking a peek at me from his arms.

I felt tears prick my eyes, “I’m sorry.”

“It’s really cold here,” he said, slowly drifting back to sleep. “I just want to go home, Mara.”

I wrapped my arms around him and laid my head on his back, ashamed of my mistake and how I could’ve missed him if I hadn’t went after him – and wondered, briefly, how many other people our society had missed.

“I’m sorry, Alex,” I whispered. “I’m so, so sorry. Is there any way I can make it up to you?”

“Stop crying, first of all. It’s spilled milk now .” he mumbled. “Get me food if you want to… make it up… to me…”

“Okay,” I said, wiping my runny nose. “And some tea?”

I leaned over to check if he was still awake and found myself smiling somberly when I found he had gone back to asleep, his journal tucked under his arms.

“I’ll get you some tea,” I said, wiping my eyes and walking over to Cabot the bartender.

“Huh, good morning Mara. Burning the midnight oil, I see?” he said, nodding in polite greeting.

I hummed, “Hi Cabot. A hot plate of meat and potatoes and vegetables with two hot mugs of tea.”

“We only have hot water here.”

“That’s alright.”

“Coming right up, just wait here, take a seat and relax for a bit.” He said, laughing a bit at the end as he turned to head to the back kitchen. “Maker knows you’ll need it.”

I smiled and returned his laughter with a smaller version of my own.

Sitting myself down, I buried my face in my hands. It was around four at the time and my lack of sleep was finally getting to me, including, but not limited to, the fact that I felt overwhelmed with my work. Fiona was right and truth be told I felt at least a tiny bit relieved that my research had been postponed (before Leliana met up with me), who knows what might’ve happened to me if I still had that burden on my mind?

“Good God.” I sighed, rubbing my eyes tiredly.

“Tired?” a voice to my right side.

“Yeah, I – ” I paused, eyes going wide at the man next to me, nursing a cup of hot water in his hands.

It was Solas.

“Solas.” I frowned, “You’re back, I see.”

“Yes,” he said, not looking away from his cup as he spoke to me. “How are you, Mara?”

‘Qamek.’ I thought, ‘He’s referring to the Qamek.’

“Great, actually.” I said, turning away from him. “The drink was refreshing.”

“A drink?” he shot me a strange look and hummed, “Is that so?”

“Really nice, citrusy almost. Like hot lemon tea, perfect for the cold day yesterday.” I smiled and said, you know – like a liar. “Lady Nightingale was truly accommodating.”

“Was she?”

“Yes, perhaps we should meet with her again next time,” I smiled, sparing a glance at him. “I promise I won’t hog the drink all to myself, I’ll give you at least a small cup of it – that should be enough, right?”

My smile grew wider when I saw him still.

“What did she give you?” he said.

“Qamek.” I said, “A drink from the Qun, I heard it’s a delicacy to mages and… non-believers.”

I saw his grip on his mug tighten.

Did he not know?

The chair squealed as I got up and walked toward him. I leaned down and whispered right by his ear. A whisper to the sensitive ears of an elf was about the same as a yell from a person right in front of your face as a human.

“Next time, if you have a problem with me, at least say it to my face directly.”

“You were turning Cole against his purpose.” He whispered back, a warning growl in his tone.

“Me?” I said, cocking my head to the side so I locked eyes with him. “I am not responsible for how he thinks, if a single sentiment from me is enough to turn him against his purpose and not the other things people have said… one questions how much faith and trust he puts in my intellect over perhaps yours?”

I saw something dangerous flash in his blue eyes and I smiled a bit wider.

“Your intellect?” he sneered, “What could you possibly know?”

“That’s the problem right there.” I said, tilting my head up a bit so I could look down on him. “Not what I know, Messere, but how I _can_ know. Being smart doesn’t mean hoarding knowledge and it is not merely sharing it either, being smart is the basic process of understanding and observing people before making a judgement. Two things you are not well-versed in.”

“You know nothing of me.” He growled while I could only smile.

From my observations, Solas was not foreign to criticisms and threats from nobles and humans. In fact, a lot of nobles would wander into his rotunda and then question the elf for who owned the floor. Each and every time Solas would respond in a polite and tactful way, only for many to question his authority and intellect. Yet never would he flinch, never would he show a hint of emotion – but now? Now I knew he recognized me as a worthy adversary.

“I don’t have to, but keep impeding on my autonomy, Solas, and I will recognize what you are.”

He let out a breath and drank from his mug the way a drunkard would, “Give me your best hypothesis on what I am, professor.”

“A man neither marked by his powers as an apostate or intellect, but by his emotional quotient deficiency. Who has abused the power dynamics in an organization with a member who wants to help but is refused audience.” I said, “And as a result, inflicted harm on me that if I were anybody else – you wouldn’t even be talking to me right now.”

“I did not intend for Lady Nightingale to – ”

“Don’t.” I frowned, straightening my back. “It’s spilled milk now.”

Out of the corner of my eye, I saw that my food and drinks were ready with Cabot nowhere to be seen. For a moment, I wondered if he was a scared a fight would break out between Solas and I. He probably left to have gotten a mop, just in case blood would spill – my blood to be exact.

But of course, no magic could hurt me.

“Make sure it doesn’t happen again, Solas.” I said, “If you have a problem, I want to hear it first before you send your hounds on me. And don’t give me that bullshit about you being just an apostate, you are much more than you let on.”

I moved to collect my food and drinks on the tray, but just as I did I felt a tug on my skirts. Looking over my shoulder, I saw that it was him and he was staring at me with a peculiar look. A mix of guilt and fear, and all the while I had imagined him with a cold smirk on his lips.

His lips moved, like he was trying to say something important but all that came out was, “Ir abelas.”

Such a simple sentiment, but the way he said it was heavy. Like there was another reason behind it. The look in his eyes was not the look of a man who actually intended harm but I was sure he did, was it perhaps he was afraid of inducing Tranquility in me? Seeing that he was a mage, it made sense. Still, it didn’t excuse what he did.

“And I’m sorry too,” I said, “that you didn’t get what you want, whatever it was you hoped to come from this.”

“I didn’t want this,” he said, almost like he was pleading. “Mara, let me check on you – ”

“Check on me?”

He already knew I was different, the last thing I needed was for him to know I was immune to magic.

“Your spirit, I need to see if it’s alright, if anything’s –”

“I’m fine.” I said, “Let go of my skirt, Solas.”

“You are not – ”

“I said let go!” I grunted and tugged hard on my skirt, stumbling backwards and falling against the bar – sending the mugs to come crashing into me, hot water splashing against my skin as they fell to the ground, shattering and cutting my palms.

I hissed in pain as I struggled to stand. Solas tried to help me up but I refused it, as well as to anything else he had to say.

I was tired and I was hurting everywhere, all I wanted to do was to get Alex his food then secure a good room for him. I wanted him out of here, I needed to get someone from the society to take him home, and I’d stay behind and… deal, with all of this that is.

“Good day, Solas.” I hissed and slammed five gold coins on the counter, “For your troubles, Cabot!”

Ignoring him again, I made my way to Alex and left the food by him. Shaking him awake, I told him to eat his fill and to find me again at noon in my office. Then, ignoring any eye contact with Solas, left with as much dignity I had left – soaked night clothes and blood dripping from my palms and all.

* * *

I spent my time in the later part of the morning with Sera and Blackwall at the barn, having forgotten about the promise I made to them I opted to buy their lunch. Food, apparently, was more than enough to amend my broken promise. I also made sure to finish up any work I had left with the two before I had to go to my next client, that being Vivienne.

“Hey, Mara,” Sera said with a mouth full of food. “Wha’s with the wraps?”

“Wraps?” I said, “Oh, you mean bandages.”

“Yeah duh.”

“I might have sent some mugs falling,” I laughed. “I cut myself as I was trying to clean them up.”

“Really?” she said, “’Cause I heard you got into a fight with Ser Stick-Up-My-Arse.”

“You got into a fight with Solas?” Blackwall asked, surprised.

“Is that like a mutual name you two have for him?” I smiled lopsidedly, “Where did you hear that?”

“Uh I live in the Tavern, silly!” Sera snorted, “But anyways, you want revenge?”

“What?”

“A pie to his face? Wait, no, two pies!”

“No!” I said, “No – it’s fine, I handled it.”

Blackwall and Sera both glanced at my bandaged hands.

Just as I was about to retort, a soldier came by us. I recognized him as being one of Cullen’s men. Jim was his name, if I remembered correctly.

“Good morning, soldier,” I said. “A message?”

“Yes, this message is meant for Sera, Warden Blackwall, and you, Lady Mara.” He turned to the two first, “Commander Cullen wants both of you to ready yourselves for an excursion to the Western Approach as soon as possible. Inquisitor Lavellan asked for you two directly.”

“Didn’t he just come back though?” Sera frowned, “Shouldn’t Ser Herald be resting his poor bosom before he aches from another horse ride?”

“We’ll get ready as soon as possible, soldier, thank you.” Blackwall nodded but shared Sera’s concerned look, “C’mon Sera, duty calls.”

Jim turned to me next, “And for you, Lady Mara, the Commander has updated your list of people to assess for the day. I have it hear.”

I accepted the file from him, “Thank you, solider – wait a moment, are you sure this is the right one? It has so few people.”

“The Inquisitor will be taking Seeker Cassandra with him this time around, but regarding the shortness of the list – I’m afraid I’m not quite sure why it is that way.”

I sighed, “Right, the Commander put this together didn’t he? Thank you for delivering it, soldier, you are dismissed.”

With a salute, Jim was on his way to carry out the rest of his duties. It was a bit strange though, a normal messenger would usually be sent if I needed to be reached – but sending a soldier? Strange.

Regardless, seeing the names on the list did nothing to settle my uneasiness.

Leliana was missing from it but Solas’ name was added onto it, which changed the order of people I had to assess to: Vivienne, Solas, Josephine, Dorian, and The Iron Bull. Taking out my pencil, I scribbled Solas’ name off and rewrote it at the end of the list.

It was inevitable that I’d have to see him again, but if I could put it off for a day or two I’d at least be able to come up with a game-plan to act as professional as I could in front of him. Besides, a lot of the other names on the list were nobles and many of them liked to talk – most of all Dorian. I could see myself spending a lot of time listening to them, which expanded my timeframe before I had to confront Solas again.

“Thanks for the food, Professor,” Sera said, bumping shoulders with me. “If you’re ever gonna miss another promise, let me know so I can count on another freebie meal with you!”

“Again, it’s Mara – just Mara.” I said, “And you’re welcome, Sera.”

“Pbft, whatever! I know you like being called professor.” She grinned and punched me in the shoulder before getting up, “See ya in a week!”

“You too! Stay safe!” I said, watching her run out into the bright courtyard of Skyhold.

“You too, Mara.” Blackwall said, drawing my attention to him.

“What?”

“I will not ask what happened between you and Messere Solas, Mara,” he said, extending his hand to help me up. “But if you need to talk to somebody before any… ah, rash decisions are made, I am always available.”

“My rash decisions or their’s?” I grumbled.

“Their’s?” he frowned.

“No, it’s nothing.” I sighed, trying to muster a smile to put him at ease but knowing how I was feeling I knew it wouldn’t come across as sincere. “Thank you for the offer however, I’ll… keep that in mind.”

“Of course,” he nodded.

“Until next week, Blackwall.” I said, “Take care.”

“And you as well, Mara.” He said, his stare lingering on me.

I pressed my lips together and turned toward the exit, heading for Vivienne next but paused, briefly, when I saw a spiderweb at the far corner of the barn. A single butterfly was caught in the middle, struggling to free itself as a spider began to crawl nearer and nearer. I let myself be poetic and wondered which one I was at the moment, was I the butterfly struggling to free myself? Was I the spider, did I really harbor no ill intentions towards the Inquisition? Or was I just me, the spectator, watching slowly as Corypheus’ army and the Inquisition destroy each other alongside the world?

The memory of Leliana resurfaced and I bit my tongue, laughed quietly, and left for my next task.

If she was going to be so adamant about me holding my tongue, then I’d concede. Consider whatever hope or chance I was going to give the Inquisition in stopping the endless cycle of conflict revoked. These two polarizing forces could kill each other for all I cared, I just wanted to go home.

Maybe Leliana was right, I had no business with my thoughts or opinions in Skyhold. They belonged in the Orlesian library alongside all other research papers, archived and covered in dust, waiting for the future where someone would finally pick it up and go – aha! So they were right! Long after the conflict had ended, long after the writers were dead, and long after the number of corpses would accumulate.

Whatever. Whatever, whatever, _whatever_.

I’d just finish my work, get back to my room, and continue to find the real E. Then I’d be back at the estate and with my people, then we’d find a way back home and I’d forget this place ever existed.

Call me petty, call me stupid or naïve, but this wasn’t my world to defend. It was theirs. Always and forever.

Let them deal with it.

And so, with balled fists, I marched to where I was needed next with my head held high.

If Thedas was indeed a web with the Inquisition struggling like a butterfly and Corypheus’ army like a venomous spider, or perhaps it was the other way around, and they expected a spectator to bear witness. Perhaps a hand to meddle in their affairs and help, they would find none with me. Not with the society and not with my friends.

In an empty barn, would a butterfly make a sound as it died? Or would the spider actually kill the butterfly if no one was there to bear witness?

If a tree fell in a forest with no one to hear, would it make a sound?

And, if Thedas collapsed one day and no one was there to bear witness – did it even exist in the first place?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> She's so stressed at this point LMAO. Absolutely DONE with the world.


	7. Perspective

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In which Ma-'I have work to do'-ra and Solas reach some understanding.

To my delight, I found Vivienne and Josephine together in Skyhold’s main chamber. They were busy talking to a group of nobles with animated faces and pleasant smiles. Deciding that I’d wait for them to finish before I approached them for an interview, I decided to sit down, observe, and note what it was that they were doing. In my observations in Skyhold, my main task was to see how everyone conducted their day-to-day business. For Sera and Blackwall, it was observing them train and their networking abilities, more-so for Sera because of her unique position as a Red Jenny. For Vivienne and Josephine, however, their networking skills and matters in persuasion were far more important.

Vivienne was a woman of the court and an extremely talented mage. She was charismatic, vicious, collected, and beautiful. I had met her a couple of times before Skyhold, usually when she toured the university with her colleagues (many of them, and her included, were treasured donators to the academy). She was interested in my work and realized my influence earlier on, inviting me to many of her soirees and parties so that I could gain new ‘friends’. I kept to myself most of the time though.

Josephine, however, I had not the pleasure of meeting properly. I knew her for her job and prowess in negotiating on the Inquisition’s behalf, as well as stories of her back when she worked in Antiva. If I could infer anything, she was the sun and Vivienne was the moon. She worked her way with kind words that made you feel safe, made you feel like you gained something if you agreed with her, and Vivienne’s words made you feel unsafe, but not in a malicious way. Like she was warning you, as a good friend would, when you were about to make a mistake and offer you a way out. The two made quite a powerful pair, especially when they were confident and collected in their talks.

However, as I continued to observe and note down, I saw that the two looked at each other more often. Their eyebrows would furrow and the two would frown, but only for a split second, before going back to their discussions with the nobles. Something felt amiss, but I couldn’t quite put my hand on it. I suppose I could ask them in the interview session later.

Just as I was about to pack up, a hand grabbed my shoulder and I jumped in fright.

“Woah!” the person said, “I was just trying to say hello.”

“A little warning would be nice,” I grunted. “Master Tethras.”

Varric grinned, “It’s good to see you too, Mara.”

Varric and I knew each other from Kirkwall. We weren’t as close as Cullen and I were, we mostly acknowledged each other’s presence whenever he and Hawke’s friends would come ‘visit’ Meredith’s office. I always stayed clear of it though, I didn’t want to get caught up in any fights. I’d mostly stay in Orsino’s office and help him for a while.

Distant friends would be better. He did, after-all, offer me a place in the Hawke household as Hawke’s assistant.

I refused, naturally.

Pulling up a chair to sit next to me, Varric plopped himself down comfortably and nodded, “Now I heard you were in Skyhold, but I haven’t seen you around often. How’re you doing?”

“I’m… alright.” I said, careful with how I was going to word things – considering the horrible history Meredith had with him and his friends, and me as well by extension.

“That’s vague.” He deadpanned, “I meant how are you really doing? Last I heard you got out of Kirkwall alive, yeah? You even brought a kid with you. Now I hear stories of you becoming this hot-shot professor in the University of Orlais! So really, how are you doing Mara?”

“Like I said,” I sighed, conceding a bit. “I’m alright. And I’m not a professor, I’m a scholar – researcher, actually. The kid’s fine by the way, he sort of has his own life now.”

“So you’re, what, a mom now?”

If I was drinking, I would’ve done a spit take at that, “What?”

“You adopted him, right?”

I felt my cheeks go red at that. Tim was more of a brother than he was a son to me.

“No!” I said, “No, I haven’t adopted anyone!”

If anything, the society adopted _me_ – even if I was one of its founding members.

“And the kid from yesterday?” he said, sly. “Who would’ve know you’d be such a mama bear.”

“M-mama bear?” I laughed incredulously, the notion of being a ‘mama bear’ too embarrassing for me. “Varric, I get you’re good at connecting stories but this has nothing to do with – ”

“Alright, alright, I’ll cool off.” He said, “But you’ve been here for a while, right? Why haven’t I seen you around?”

I sighed, shaking my head, “I don’t know, I’ve just been busy with work.”

“Such a workaholic.”

“You aren’t the first one to say that.”

“Mhm.” He said, flashing me a bottle of ale and two cups, “Need a drink? An ear for your ease?”

I hesitated.

“If you don’t mind,” I said and watched him shrug, pouring us both a drink.

“It’s alright with me, Mara.”

“You sure?” I said, nursing my cup of ale. “I don’t want to be rude, but we don’t really have the best past.”

“Oh you have no idea.” He said, “But here we are now, fighting for the same side. You’ve taken a neutral party in the whole mage and templar war, busy helping the little people, that’s better than being Meredith’s lackey.”

I stilled.

Varric fixed me with a frown and furrowed brows, “Don’t tell me you miss being her lackey.”

“I wasn’t her lackey.” I mumbled, lifting my cup to my lips.

“No? Then what were you?”

At this point, did I really give a fuck anymore?

I fixed him with my own frown, “You really want to know?”

“I don’t think anything can surprise me at this point.” He shrugged, “Shoot.”

“Yeah I’m not telling you.”

“Agh,” he grunted. “Fine.”

I rolled my eyes.

“There’s already rumors about what kind of relationship we had,” I sighed, taking another swig from my drink. “They’ve been there for a while now. I don’t need any more of that kind of… publicity, Varric. I know we’re not friends anymore, but please don’t push this.”

He stared at me for a long while, looking as if he was trying to decipher what I was thinking.

“I won’t, Mara,” he said. “Listen, I can’t blame you for Kirkwall – ”

“You know you can. I know I’m partially at fault for never stopping Meredith.”

“But I won’t and you know that nobody could’ve stopped her,” he sighed. “This just… cleared a lot of stuff up, why you didn’t want to work for Hawke instead for example. Though I still could never understand why you were so oblivious to the workings of Thedas, I mean, even the shitheads in Orzammar knew.”

“That’s a story for another time.” Perhaps one I’d never tell.

As we sat in our silence together, I snuck a glance at him. Varric had changed quite a bit. Back in Kirkwall, there was always an air of arrogance to him but now that I was sitting next to him – he looked tired. Weary.

I went back to packing up my things.

“Going already?”

“I have work, Varric,” I said, forcing a smile as I slung over my satchel. “I’ll see you around.”

He nodded, “I’ll see you around, Mara.”

As I walked away, I wondered what his motive was for approaching me in the first place. I suppose it was because we knew each other from long ago, but considering our history he should’ve avoided me like the plague. At least that’s what I’d do if I were him.

Avoiding, huh.

I’d done a bang up job about that with Solas and Cole.

Not to mention I had a breakdown last night, cut my palms of ceramic shards, and got splashed with hot water. This was the first mission I’d ever screwed up that badly. My past missions for saving other Earthlings were always done with as much tact and grace I could muster, always inconspicuous and peaceful (for the most part).

When I rescued a pair of Earthling siblings from being sold off to Tevinter magisters as slaves, I managed to infiltrate a university there under the guise of a student exchange without much notice. Another time was when Tim and I teamed up to get a man out from the Orlesian court, escaping with only a rumor drifting around about us both being the only ‘damage’ done.

God, I should really have factored in the chances of having a spirit out me.

“Mara.”

“Speak of the devil,” I mumbled, turning around. “Cole.”

“Mara, I – “

God I really wanted to say something accusatory, but knowing how Solas reacted last time… I didn’t need him up my ass again.

“Good afternoon, Cole,” I said, forcing a smile. “Is there something you need?”

Cole slowly took off his hat and held it up to his chest, looking at me earnestly with his big, grey-blue eyes.

“Mara,” he began.

“Eh?” I said, confused at his strange body language.

“Mara, I’m sorry.”

“Oh my God.”

If you’ve ever seen those movies of men taking off their hat to a lady, holding it up to their chest, and looking earnestly after the person they’ve offended. The last thing I expected from anyone in Thedas, much less Cole, was for this to happen in broad daylight. We were already garnering a lot of stares from everyone in the sunny courtyard. And the minute I heard someone whispering, ‘Is this a lover’s quarrel?’, I immediately booked it.

Yanking Cole up, I wordlessly dragged him back into Skyhold's main building and into the library – specifically on Solas’ floor.

We entered abruptly, surprising Solas from his work. The minute his eyes found Cole he rose from his seat as his eyes went wide, confusion written all over his face.

“Mara?”

“Good morning, Solas.” I frowned, releasing Cole. “I’ve come with a request to you, _dearest_ and most respected colleague.”

He arched an eyebrow, “Cole, what is going on?”

“I wanted to apologize! I swear that’s it!”

“And I appreciate it, Cole,” I said. “And believe me, both of you, I did not drag you here to berate you. I accept your apology, it’s fine, over, spilled milk. Thank you. What I did come here for is for you two to talk things out.”

“Just us?” Solas said, “Mara, the two of us need to talk. Cole has nothing to do with it.”

I frowned, “Cole does have something to do with it! You talked to Solas, you told him these – these things about me that made Leliana give me that drink!”

“Drink?” Cole asked, confused, “What drink?”

“Don’t tell me you don’t – ”

“Mara!” Solas interrupted, looking both scared and angry, “We will finish this alone. Without Cole.”

Cole furrowed his eyebrows, staring directly at Solas, “Bubbling liquid, mistake, mistake. There’s something I did, I didn’t mean to – history – ”

“Enough.” Solas said, shooting him a withering glare.

“You locked me out!” Cole said, “How did you –”

“It is better for you not to know, Cole.”

Cole turned to me next, furrowing his eyebrows and staring at me with beady eyes. Feeling uncomfortable, I took a step back.

“Uh…?”

Cole sighed in exasperation, “It’s no good. I can’t see, I can't hear the hurt.”

Walking to his side, Solas touched Cole’s shoulder kindly and spoke, “It’s alright, Cole. You are already forgiven, isn’t that so – Mara?”

I nodded, slow.

“It doesn’t feel like it.” Cole mumbled, looking at me pleadingly.

I sighed, taking a step back to lean against the wall, “Give me a moment.”

As Solas spoke quietly to Cole, I reassessed the situation and immediately felt guilty. What on Earth was I doing? Cole was a young man, probably just out of his teens, who met someone like me – who was, as he called it, a black mirror. It’s a confounding situation, and I could hardly imagine what it would feel like to have met someone that would make you think so critically of yourself. And instead of helping him, I dragged him all the way to Solas’ rotunda with the intention of having Solas forbid him (through some way of magic) from approaching me ever again as a condition to my forgiveness. As well for the two of them to watch their tongues.

But was it fair? I mean, Cole never had any intention of harming me… right?

“Cole,” I said. “When you spoke to Solas, did you ever have any intention in hurting me?”

“No,” he shook his head furiosuly. “Never.”

He probably just wanted to talk to Solas about this ‘black mirror’, just wanted to talk to a friend.

I sighed, “Then it isn’t your fault, Cole, honest.”

“But I caused a fight between you and Solas,” Cole said.

Ah, so this is what that was about. Not the drink, better he not know unless it truly would turn him against his purpose. Though at the time, I wasn’t quite sure about the semantics of ‘turning him’ but I made a mental reminder to check up on that. Although, I was pretty sure nobody but Solas would know the answer to it.

“Then it’s between us, Cole, not you.” I nodded, "As Solas said."

“But I caused it.”

“So did the bad weather, now that I think about it.” I said, arching an eyebrow. “Wasn’t it dreadful, Solas? It was nighttime and I hadn’t slept recently.”

Taking on my nonverbal cues, Solas nodded, “It was an inopportune time for us to be speaking, Cole, I had just arrived from my excursion with the Inquisitor and Mara, as she has said, was tired and taking care of that young boy – ”

“Alex,” I said. “His name is Alex.”

“Yes,” he nodded, staring at me curiously. “It appears Mara was trying to take care of Alex and I suppose the day’s stresses got to her as it did to me. And for that, I do apologize.”

“Me too,” I said, begrudgingly. “I’m sorry too.”

“So it really isn’t my fault then?” Cole said, blinking owlishly.

“No.” I smiled reassuringly, “It really just was an unfortunate series of events.”

“That’s a relief!” he laughed softly, like twinkling bells. “So it’s alright if I talk to you, again, in the future?”

I didn’t hate Cole, I actually liked him. And I didn’t want our future conversations to be laden with miscommunication that could have dire consequences. If I was going to seize the opportunity to talk with a living construct of compassion ever again, it just meant I was going to have to swallow the pill for this one.

I was going to need to talk to Solas after this.

“Of course,” I smiled genuinely, despite my worried thoughts, “I’d love nothing more Cole, I hope what I said before can be forgiven as well.”

“Nothing is to be forgiven, Mara,” he said, echoing my words. “It isn’t your fault, it’s just… how it is.”

As if I couldn’t smile any wider.

“That’s very compassionate of you, Cole.”

“It was,” Solas said, sharing my look of wonder and happiness.

Our eyes met and I could feel this air of understanding between us. Yet at the same time, surprise.

Out of everything Tim could have warned me about Solas, this was something that came most surprisingly to me. I had always envisioned this ‘Solas’ as a grump and annoyingly critical about things that had little to do with him. My first impression of him was somewhat accurate, but seeing how much he cared for Cole and his love for the Fade, as well as spirits… well. It was a pleasant surprise. Even though he was a bit of a klutz when it came to being a tattletale to the authorities.

At the very least, our shared concern for Cole was mutual.

If I was going to work in Skyhold and stay below the radar – as in not getting into fights, having public apologies, and rumors being spread around – I’d have to make friends with the two of them. Or at least be on good speaking terms.

“Cole,” I began, breaking our stare that was already lasting for far too long, only to find Cole gone. “Huh.”

Solas sat at the edge of his worktable, “He does that often.”

“Hm.”

“Mara,” he said. “I am very sorry.”

“You are already forgiven, Solas.” I sighed, “As I said, when Cole was still here.”

He rubbed his neck awkwardly, “Still, my transgression is nearly unforgivable. If something had happened, I’m not quite sure what – if I – ”

“Well I’m here,” I said. “I’m fine.”

“A surprise,” he nodded. “A good one.”

We were silent for a while.

“So you don’t hate me?” I said.

“Hate you? You mean – ah.” He said, “You didn’t know what would happen to Cole, you’re not a mage and I doubt you’ve studied spirits as I have. The risk was great, but he’s fine now. And I can see from your interaction with him that you bore no ill-intentions.”

“Never did," I shook my head. "Never from the start.”

“Another surprise,” he said, somewhat grimly, “I didn’t expect someone to care so much for Cole, as he is. From a stranger no less.”

“Don’t,” I sighed. “I dragged him here to ask for you to put some kind of spell together to keep him away from me, for our mutual benefit.”

“Mutual benefit, could you elaborate?”

“I am left alone to my work, back into the obscurity of being Mara the scholar and not Mara the one who picks fights or has public apologies done to her, and…” I looked away, “He is free from my undue influence. And don’t try to refute it, I understand what I did. And I promise I will be careful.”

“Hm.” He said, “And how will you know how to be careful?”

“Read some books, maybe. Ask a mage.”

“No mage knows how to treat spirits properly.”

“No mage,” I paused. “Except you.”

Solas was taken aback.

He arched an eyebrow, “Are you suggesting I teach you the ways of spirits?”

“Well, yes.” I said, "I want to talk to him without anxiety about what I'd say to him."

“It is a vast field of knowledge, Mara, with near infinite numbers of kinds of spirits.” He said, “And how can I trust you won’t misuse it? Surely you won’t just use this knowledge on Cole.”

“Number one, I’m not a mage. Number two, I am not going to use it just on Cole. I want to meet spirits, I want to meet these constructs of emotions and values and learn from them.” I said, “All of this is for research and I will never do something unethical without consent from them either.”

I eyed copies of my research papers on his desk.

“You’ve read my work, you’ve seen my ethical clearance forms. I have never forced people to do things, I have never manipulated or lied to my participants and subjects before.” I reasoned, “Nor will I ever. And I have credibility and the – ”

He held up a hand, “You said people. Do spirits count as people to you?”

“Of course,” I said.

“Even if they don’t look human, like Cole?” Solas asked, eyes sharp.

“Personhood is not defined by whether you look human or not. That’s subjective.” I answered, “Personhood is defined by, having at some point in life, autonomy and the ability to make choices of your own accord.”

He nodded slowly, getting up from his table to stroll around the Rotunda, “A spirit is bound by their nature, Cole is meant to be compassionate because he is a spirit of Compassion. A spirit of courage is bound to act upon courage. Every action they do, every opinion is framed by that concept – by their nature. When they speak to you, much of what they say might not fall in line with what you expect and might even go against you. How will you handle that?”

An interview. He was interviewing me.

I crossed my arms over my chest, “By not judging, only listening and only asking. I will never insert my opinion, I will always remain at a correct distance. Any personal beliefs will not get in the way. And if you’ve ever seen my papers, which you have, you’d know that’s what I’ve always done.”

He frowned, “Valid points. But your research is for Orlais, you might not misuse it, but what of those who read your papers? What if a Tevinter magister who enslaves spirits gets a hold of your papers, what then?”

“Who said I’d publish them?”

“Ah.” He said, “Knowledge for no other purpose but the knowledge itself.”

“Basic research.” I said, “That’s the term for it.”

“And you find no offence to keeping this knowledge for yourself,” he said, cocking his head to the side as he gestured to my papers, “Seeing that you seem to be quite an advocate for the share of knowledge.”

“Knowledge that is purely beneficial, purely for the good of all.” I frowned, approaching him until I was close enough that I could whisper. “There are things, theories and findings, that I would never share with Thedas. If I did, every single person would have an upperhand against nobles, against royalty, and against anybody they perceived as dangerous. Including mages, including Templars, including the Inquisition. I would never share anything that could harm people.”

“Then you are not sharing the entire truth.”

“Nobody does.” I said, “You have secrets as I do, and unless telling the world these secret had no negative repercussions they would never have been secrets in the first place. No?”

“You are correct, however,” Solas moved away, “It is a grey area.”

I groaned, “Solas, listen, this attempt at an interview to see if I’m good enough to know more about spirits is going on for far too long than needed. When are you giving me an answer?”

“Impatient, I see.” He said, looking at me over his shoulder. “I will stop until I’ve confirmed you have a good enough basis to understand spirits.”

“And the mounds of my papers at your desk aren’t enough?”

His gaze flickered over to them for a moment before he quickly looked away, coughing into his fist as his ears turned red, “They are interesting.”

“And evidence of my credibility!” I said, “Just throw me a bone here. Yes or no?”

“One more question, a vital one.” He said, still not looking at me – preferring to gaze upon his mural. One that depicted the breach forming. “Who are you?”

I paused. I knew ‘Mara, Just Mara’ wasn’t a sufficient enough answer.

He wanted to know why the Qamek didn’t affect me.

I couldn’t tell him the truth, it was too important for me to barter with his expertise on Spirits.

“I won’t tell you,” I smirked. “You wouldn’t be too smart if you found out just by me saying the answer.”

“So you aren’t a normal human.” He said, returning my smirk as he turned to face me.

“Oh, I am a normal human. The most normal human you’ll ever meet.” I grinned, knowing there would be a slim chance he’d come to any conclusion from that alone.

His frowned returned.

“You know I’m telling the truth.”

“True, there are no indications of you lying.”

“If you want to know who – or what – I am, Solas, I’ll have to teach you.”

“Teach _me_?”

“How to figure things out from my perspective, Solas.” I said, fixing my bag’s strap over my shoulder. “I’ll have to look through your eyes to understand spirits, and you’ll have to look through my eyes to understand who I am.”

“Is the answer not so simple?” he narrowed his eyes.

“Truth be told,” I sighed, suddenly feeling melancholic. “It’s never simple. A person is filled with so many contradictions sometimes. If I asked you the same thing, would the answer be simple as well? If I asked Cole? Could you just say, I’m Solas – I like to read and think, to speak to spirits sometimes in my dream but I really hate talking to Mara.”

“I never said that – ”

“You implied it. Then I’d ask what does it mean to speak to spirits in dreams?” I coughed, deepening my voice. “Well, Lethalilin. It means I am what you call a Somniari, a dreamer! It is complicated and a unique gift and, well you know.”

“Leth-a-llin. Not Leth-a-li-lin.”

“Lethallin.”

“Better.”

“See?” I said, “I’m learning something from seeing it in your perspective on language! Teach me spirits and I will teach you the way of us – of psychology.”

Solas regarded me for a moment, looking as if he was in deep debate with himself.

Finally, he relented. Sighing, he crossed his arms over his chest, “Very well.”

“Really?” I said, a smile growing on my lips. “Oh that’s great!”

“We will conduct these sessions in the form of private lectures, I will teach you for two to three hours and you will do the same to me.”

“Sure, oh but we should create a schedule – oh and a list of topics!”

“You wish to plan?”

“Yeah, I’m super busy and my time is limited here.”

His eyebrows went up in surprise, “I did not know this. Until how long?”

“I’ll be here for another three months I think?” I hummed, “Then it’s back to the University.”

“I see.” He nodded, “That can be arranged.”

“Fantastic!” I said, “Then I’ll see you tomorrow to plan.”

“Why not today?” he asked.

“Eager, are we?” I grinned, teasingly.

“To get it done with.” He deadpanned.

“Oh boo hoo,” I said, shifting the weight of my bag. “I have work to do, interviews and observations.”

“And Alex to take care of, I presume.”

“Him as well,” I blinked, surprised. “You remembered his name.”

“Is that of note?”

“No, it’s… just a sign of respect.” I pressed my lips together, “Well, thanks for the talk today, Solas. I’m glad we could at least come to some form of mutual understanding.”

“Of course.”

I extended a hand, “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

“You as well.” He grabbed my hand to shake it.

Suddenly, Solas was frozen to the spot. He didn’t let go for a while either, which both confused and worried me.

“Is something wrong?” I asked.

“Ah, no…” He released my hand suddenly, “I just wanted to say, Mara, that I look forward to your lecture.”

“And I to yours.” I mumbled, looking at my hand he just let go of. “I’m going to go now.”

“Goodbye.”

I snuck one last glance at him. Watching as he turned back to his books and, by extension, my papers.

“Goodbye, Solas.” I said and left with questions swimming in my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mara and Solas have this current relationship of mutual respect but also this wariness to each other but great interest in each other's studies. Both of them are full of contradictions, Mara needs to stay below the radar and away from Solas to get Alex and E. out as soon as possible, but she seeks knowledge of spirits. Solas wants to stay below the radar and away from Mara (as well as everybody else) to make sure his plan is executed well, but he seeks companionship. He sees that in Mara.
> 
> Hopefully, this helped bridge any confusion about why they act the way they do!


	8. Null Hypothesis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> University has taken over my life! Apologies for the super late chapter, hope you like it!

Josephine was sat before me. She had a gentle smile on her face as she looked on towards Vivienne and I. It was nearly afternoon and I had just finished filing reports for Alex’s release from Skyhold, under the reason that this was no place for a child.

“I must apologize for having missed him, Lady Mara,” Josephine said gently, probably not wanting to offend me as she handed me the files back. “Skyhold is no place for a young man like him.”

“It’s war, Lady Josephine.” I smiled back, grim, “These things happen, I’m just glad I could find him in time. Oh, and please just call me Mara.”

She nodded, “You are generous, Mara, to be so busy in Skyhold yet having been able to spare the time to spot him. I’m sure others have tried to claim him, but alas this conflict has crippled the economy – it isn’t as easy to make a living for the common folk who work alongside him.”

“I just see a lot of myself in him, Lady Josephine.” I said.

“Yes, I’ve heard of the – ah, tales.”

“Of the person who you used to be, my dear.” Vivienne corrected.

“Who I used to be,” I echoed.

“You are no longer at the bottom of your career path, Mara.” She said, uncrossing and crossing her legs as she lounged near the fireplace. “You are not in Kirkwall, either. It is best not to dwell on it so long.”

“And have I dwelled on it for so long, Lady Vivienne?” I asked, looking at her over my shoulder.

I could see the golden light of the flames flicker against her dark skin as she leaned backwards, smiling, “Not yet. But I do know the telltale signs.”

My gaze faltered. She was true, after all. The past couple of days were spent mostly in deep reflection. Of my beliefs, of my credibility, and my past in Thedas.

“You do not deny this,” Vivienne said, not so much of a question as much as it was a statement.

“No, I don’t.” I sighed, massaging my temples.

Vivienne only hummed.

“And what about you, Vivienne?” I said, then turned to Josephine. “And you as well, Lady Josephine?”

I was met with dead silence.

“Commander Cullen instructed me to interview you two, for reports.”

“Oh!” Josephine said, “Was that why you kept looking at us yesterday?”

“Eloquently put, Ambassador.” Vivienne said.

“It was rather strange still, wouldn’t you agree Lady Vivienne?”

“It was,” she said, punctuating each word. “Especially because we were in the middle of negotiating for an invitation to the Winter Ball on the Inquisition’s behalf.”

“The Winter Ball?” I said, “Um, are you sure you should be telling me this?”

I looked around, half-expecting Leliana to jump out with a bucket of Qamek.

“Everyone in Skyhold knows at this point, Mara.” Josephine chuckled, “Inquisitor Lavellan has been working hard on following the lead Varric’s friend left for him. He’s expanded his influence amongst many fortresses and lands to be placed under the Inquisition’s protection.”

“The Inquisitor has a preference for his spies and armies over his accredited team of diplomats.” Vivienne sighed, “It does little to better his presence in the Orlesian court, despite his… philanthropic attitude.”

“Philanthropic attitude?”

“Blanket fetching,” Josephine mumbled, going back to writing. “Amongst many other things.”

“Are you saying that’s bad, Lady Josephine?”

“Pardon? I – no! The action itself is generous, but it is the process of it that is unreasonable.” she pinched the bridge of her nose, “We have people. And instead of delegating the task he prefers to take in on himself. One man can’t do everything alone.”

I frowned sympathetically, nodding, “I’m sorry. I misunderstood.”

She sighed and waved me off, “It’s fine, Mara.”

“And this has been taxing on the both of you?” I asked, turning to Vivienne.

“Positively a nuisance, my dear.” She said, looking away.

“It’s just part of the job,” Josephine said. “We are trying our best and that’s – that’s all we can ask for.”

I nodded, writing down what she just said. “Lady Josephine, Lady Vivienne, before we proceed I just want to remind you that I will not be delivering any of these comments to Inquisitor Lavellan. These reports will be kept under the discretion of Commander Cullen and I.”

“And away from Lady Nightingale, I presume?” Vivienne asked, side-eyeing me.

I bristled, “We are always advocating on that.”

She shrugged, “Then I suppose it cannot be helped.”

“Leliana has always upheld the Inquisition’s best interests, Mara.” Josephine frowned, making me annoyed.

I shot her a glare.

Josephine arched an eyebrow, “Even if her methods sometimes come across as…”

“Unethical?” I finished for her, mirroring her expression.

“Yes,” she replied, her tone a bit quieter.

As much as I liked Josephine and Vivienne’s company, they were still loyal to the Inquisition. They still had a very strong idea of what the Inquisition stood for and who held it’s best interests. It was disheartening to be seen as an outcast, but it only motivated me to find E. faster – then I’d be free and gone.

Until then, however…

I rolled my eyes, already not liking where the conversation was headed, “Seeing that neither of you are objecting, let’s continue.”

* * *

I arrived at Solas’ rotunda a bit earlier than our agreed time and found the room empty. Deciding that I’d finish my analysis of the past couple of interviews I’d done, I went to sit on his couch – balancing the papers on my lap and wincing at how hard I’d press the sharp end of the fountain pen a bit too hard sometimes.

“Why are you poking yourself?” A voice asked, drawing my attention.

“Cole,” I smiled. “I’m just working on some of my documents waiting for Solas is all.”

He cocked his head to the side, “Why don’t you just use his desk?”

“I don’t think he’d like that.”

“Me too.”

I arched an eyebrow, “Then why suggest it?”

“He wouldn’t like that,” Cole said, “but not too much.”

I was both confused and amused.

“And what’s that supposed to mean?” I laughed nervously.

“He doesn’t hate you.”

“Cole, I know – ”

“Do you?” he asked, effectively shutting me up.

Truth be told, I didn’t know whether Solas was lying or not about how he felt about me. Not that it really mattered at the time, I didn’t necessarily want to become best friends with him. All I wanted was to learn more about Spirits.

I pressed my lips together.

“Did you just read my thoughts, Cole?” I asked, skeptical.

He shook his head, “No, I didn’t need to read your thoughts to know that.”

“Then how?”

“Your face,” Cole paused then pulled the most ridiculous face I’d ever seen. “It looks like this.”

I couldn’t help but laugh and smack his arm playfully, “Hey! I don’t look like that!”

“I’m sorry!” he whined, visibly worried – as if he had actually offended me, “I thought I did a good job, I’m no good with… facial expressions.”

“Oh,” I said, “Oh you were being serious?”

“Yes…?”

“Oh, um, I thought you were joking.” I scratched my neck awkwardly.

“Was it that bad?”

Now I felt guilty.

I tried to smile reassuringly, “Well, what face were you trying to imitate?”

“Questioning, I think.”

I hummed, scooting to the side, “Come sit next to me, Cole.”

When I was still on Earth, I remembered having trouble communicating to people my exact emotions as well – because my smile, even though genuine, didn’t always reach my eyes and I didn’t know when to laugh or how to laugh. My childhood wasn’t exactly filled with a lot of socializing. I was always a bit more closed off, mostly keeping to myself and my books. So when I got into school I had difficulties in making and keeping friends.

Sure, I learned geography and history and math but there never were classes on socializing. Grown-ups sometimes just ignore that very important part, thinking you’d learn on your own over time but some kids never do. I learned how to make proper ‘faces’ when watching TV shows and mimicking facial expressions with a mirror, so you could say I did learn on my own – but I’m sure this wasn’t exactly what the grown-ups at that time expected. I knew plenty of people who had similar problems and never really did find a method of learning that suited them. And every time they’d ask for help they’d get shut down then blamed for not knowing such a ‘basic’ thing. Grown-ups were cruel sometimes.

Which is why I knew I’d never be like them.

I smiled reassuringly at Cole, “I’m going to help you learn how to make the right expressions okay.”

He nodded slowly, “Alright.”

With such a fascination on expressions and behavior, it’s a no-brainer that I took psychology as my major you know?

“Now follow me,” I said. “Lift your eyebrow up – no, not two, just the one. Yes, just like that!”

“It feels weird.”

“It felt weird for me too, at first.” I said, “But you’ll get used to it. Okay, now frown – not too much, just a bit.”

Cole followed my instructions and I prided myself over how well he did.

“You know a lot about this, don’t you Mara?” he said, “Did you do this a lot?”

“Oh yes, just watching – uh, people with a mirror next to me.” I smiled, “Okay that’s great! You’ve got it!”

Cole’s face shifted to a smile suddenly.

I blinked.

He blinked.

“Are you copying me?” I asked.

“You told me too.”

“Hm.”

Suddenly, I got an idea.

“Okay, Cole – we’re going to play a game.” I grinned, “Follow what my face does as fast as possible okay.”

“Alright.” He nodded, eager.

And that was how we became engaged in a facial expression contest for a whole next ten minutes. It was so difficult to hold in my laughter as I watched Cole move from anger to sadness then happiness again, I’m pretty sure his face muscles couldn’t handle the sudden workout and started to cramp up. As he held his face in pain, I started laughing really hard over the absurdity of the situation. Then he began laughing with me, his face still hurting and mine beginning to ache with how much smiling I was doing.

I tried to shush him because people upstairs were working but we only managed to stifle out laughter.

“Okay, let’s stop – stop! Stop!”

“My face hurts!” he laughed as quiet as he could, “How is that possible? How does your face hurt from smiling too much?”

“That’s just how we’re made, Cole – muscles do that when not used often.” I sighed happily as I wiped a tear away, the laughter finally subsiding.

He wiped his tears away as well, “And I’m crying too – that’s never happened before.”

“How does it feel?” I asked excitedly, locking eyes with him.

“Weird, but good.” He said, the laughter still in his voice, “When I made those faces, I could actually feel the emotions – but I had no reason to be sad or angry or happy even. How does that happen?”

“Well,” I paused, tapping my chin. “In your brain, Cole, there’s parts that’s for memory and another part for emotion. These two are linked. So sometimes when your brain’s memory recalls an action, like how to smile, how to frown, it triggers the genuine emotion.”

“It’s so small though, the emotion.”

“Yes, well that’s just how it is.”

“Which part of my brain is it?” he asked, taking my hand and putting it on his head. “Can you point at it?”

I smiled lopsidedly and ruffled his hair instead, “It’s everywhere, Cole. There’s no one part, it’s everywhere and sometimes over there – then there – and there – ”

“Mara.”

Solas’ voice stopped me short, drawing my attention to him. My smile instantly dropped and my cheeks began to feel hot. Both out of embarrassment and my… leftover feelings during our argument.

“Solas,” I gulped. “Uh… how long have you been there?”

“Long enough,” he said. “I apologize for the delay, I had to assist Lady Fiona and the mages for some field work today.”

So that’s why nobody had told Cole and I to shut up yet.

“Did Dorian go too?” I asked, trying to play the entire situation off.

“Yes, as well as the Commander and Lady Nightingale. We were hoping to incorporate methods of magic into the spy network as well as our current army. It was a surprising idea, Inquisitor Lavellan personally asked for this after some chance encounter with someone called the Antiquarian.” He rambled, a hum in his voice, “Surprising indeed. But nothing as surprising as coming here and finding you playing with Cole.”

I turned red again, opening my mouth to retort only to be stopped by him.

“Oh think nothing of it,” he smirked, waving me off. “It was rather cute. Like watching a child play.”

“Cole is not a child – ”

“Did I say Cole was the child?” he said, not resisting to flash a toothy grin my way.

For a moment, his smile reminded me of a wolf’s.

“Hah!” I said, “You’re ridiculous. I was just teaching Cole facial expressions, right Cole?”

I turned around to find that he was gone. The guy was just _gone_.

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

“He left.”

“I can see that,” I grumbled.

“He had a happy look on his face,” Solas smirked, walking over to me with a pen, paper, and board.

I moved aside instinctively, shooting him a pointed stare, “Solas, if you’re quite done teasing me…”

He shrugged, “May I?”

“That’s why I moved.” I said, patting the seat next to me.

As he drew a mock timetable, I moved to put my things away. After tucking the papers away, I took out an old schedule of classes I would be a guest lecturer in. Turning back to Solas, I found that he was staring at my lap.

“Did you spill ink on yourself?” he asked.

“What?” I asked, then looked down. “Oh. No, while I was waiting for you I did some of my work here. I used a fountain pen so sometimes it would poke through.”

“I see.”

“Cole suggested that I use your table, but I said that wouldn’t be polite. So I just – you know, worked here.”

“Ah yes, I wouldn’t take too well to having my things moved.” He said, “But considering that after we make this schedule, we would need an extra desk here for you.”

“That’s a good idea,” I said and surveyed the area. “Would it be possible to put it right up against yours?”

“Against mine?”

“So, um…” I paused, then began to gesture over to the general area and orientation of the proposed table. “It’d be like a discussion table? We used to have those in university, especially in a lot of tutorial classes. So instead of me standing up all the time and having to use a big blackboard, we’d just use a piece of paper or a mini version of a blackboard.”

He nodded but seemed hesitant, “That’s alright.”

“And a divider that can go up or down, in case you’re afraid any of our stuff goes over the border?”

He nodded, “You mentioned tutorial classes. What are those?”

It took me a while to make the connection. I was actually left wondering: “What kind of man doesn’t know what a tutorial class is?”. Then I remembered, classes in Thedas were still very much rigid and the advent of ‘tutorial classes’ was still in the far off future. But then there was also the fact that I didn’t know if Solas ever attended university, that at least put me at ease.

“A tutorial class is a class where discussions take place after students have done the recommended reading, so let’s say I told you to read such and such books. Then when tutorial class comes, I raise questions or prompts that must be answered during it.” I explained, “We could do that instead of a lecture, if you’d like.”

“The ancient elves used to have a form of this.” He said, looking oddly put off. Perhaps he thought humans were appropriating their university systems, which would be a valid assumption if the humans of Thedas had thought _that_ far. “Though there weren’t any specific names, it was just a normative part in education.”

“They did?” I asked, wondering just how advanced Arlathan was. “Impressive. I’ve heard you’re an expert on this. How do you find information on them?”

He paused, “I peruse memories in the Fade. Although the empire is… unfortunately no longer with us, the inhabitants of the Fade remember it quite strongly. I discuss with them and walk through old records of the past.”

“Oh!” I said, “Yeah, I forgot the Fade was an option for that. I thought you’d have found that from looking through old archaic texts and art.”

“There are scarcely any texts of Arlathan left in Thedas as well as art that has not been appropriated by the humans.” He frowned, fingers curling into a fist.

“It’s a shame.” I said.

I nodded, but I didn’t want to participate in continuing this discussion any further. Not because I was against his opinions, but because I wasn’t even within the equation. I was, after all, a complete outsider to Thedas. It wasn’t exactly my place to give my voice to the issue, but considering that he didn’t know this – well, it would be rude and strange to not respond in tandem.

“But have you, maybe,” I began, “thought of writing a book about this?”

Solas turned to me, intrigued, “I am still an apostate, Mara. And an elf. What audience would I garner?”

“Okay number one, here is a list of topics I’ve become a guest lecturer at. Just pick whichever you think is interesting.” I said, handing him the piece of paper. “Number two, I’ve got a friend who makes her weight in gold a week by selling puzzle books. _Puzzle_ books. Number three, you’d garner an audience who sees you as an integral part of the Inquisition.”

He scoffed, looking over my paper, “I doubt that would be enough. The world does not work that way.”

“No it doesn’t,” I said, pausing, then walking over to his desk to pick up a copy of my papers he had been reading. “Not unless you have anything to say about it.”

Looking over my shoulder, we locked eyes for a brief moment before he looked away, “Mara, why don’t you have a look at my own papers on the desk there. The one with the golden leaves printed on the front. Pick whatever you’d like me to teach you.”

I wanted to know if he’d ever really do anything about the issue of having an ‘audience’. I waited for a proper reply, but none came. Instead, he said, “I still need time to think on my options.”

Although I was disheartened at his lack of retort to my words, I could tell I had overstepped myself. Perhaps it was a sensitive topic to him, the only inference of reason I had was that he was and elf and they didn’t always have the access to tools to change the world. I wondered if he compared himself to Mahanon sometimes, maybe he wished he had the mark instead.

I sighed.

As I flipped open his papers, I was surprised to find a full-blown manuscript instead of a set of essays. Not many people in Thedas read, much less write. Literacy was still very much being gatekept by a lot of nobles. It was difficult enough for humans to learn and even more for elves. Dalish elves were an exception because of their community, but city elves did not have such access. So to read Solas’ work, taking into account that he bordered between an apostate, a hedge-mage, and a non-aligned elf, it left me wondering where he learned all this.

I wanted to ask if spirits taught him, but I worried that it’d sound rude.

Still, whoever his teacher was – they were brilliant. Each sentence was heavy in jargon, but I could still understand it. Everything he wrote held a deep weight to it and I found myself stumbling to sit down at his chair, reading the first chapter on magic and healing. I was informed, before, that healers were incredibly rare in Thedas. Talented healers were even rarer. Yet he described, in great detail, that when within the Fade good spirits can manipulate raw energy to fix any wound if they so wished. He speculated, however, that there were no longer spirits of great abundance who would be so inclined to do so anymore because of the stigma of fear against them.

I flipped back to the table of contents, then jotted down on a separate page the things I wanted to learn. Such as chapter names and the questions I had regarding my brief skim of his manuscript.

When I was done, I turned to him and said, “Solas, you never told me you were writing a book.”

“It’s quite old,” he said, still busy writing down what he wanted to learn from me. “Not that I was ever going to publish it, anyways.”

“What?” I said, confused.

“I am an apostate, Mara, and we’re at war right now.” He deadpanned, “They’ve mostly become a compilation of notes rather than a book.”

“A brilliant compilation of notes,” I said, pausing when I felt his stare linger on me. “What? It’s true. Credit is given when credit is due.”

He hesitated before smiling, “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” I said, returning his smile. “Truth be told Solas, I personally would like to see this published. What would you say to me writing you up for publishing by the University of Orlais?”

Solas froze and I could hardly hide my smile growing wider. He wasn’t the first person I had ever offered the sponsorship of publication, I had done so multiple times for students in the university. Every time I did, their expressions would almost always be the same – wide eyes, a sparkle in them, and their lips curling into the widest grin I had ever seen. So full of hope and excitement.

But in him I saw a twinge of hesitation, masking perhaps fear.

“I carry a pretty hefty name in Orlais, Solas.” I said, “Not to brag or anything, that is.”

“I know that, it’s just – ” Then he let out a laugh, caught in between disbelief and a sense of happiness. “You must be joking.”

“Look at me, Solas.” I arched an eyebrow, “Do I look like I’m joking?”

He shook his head, “Why?”

“Because,” I said, leaning forward against the table. “No matter how I feel about a person, Solas, I know a brilliant mind when I see one.”

“That’s not what you said last night,” he paused, flustered. “No, wait, I meant the Tavern – ”

It was too late. I was already laughing, embarrassed and pink in the cheeks, both for him and myself.

“I get it, I get it.” I said, trying to calm my laughter. “I take it back, not that I ever meant it in the first place.”

He didn’t look like he believed me.

I cringed, “I mean it! This is brilliant but maybe, and sorry about this, you’re not that well versed in decorum?”

He furrowed his eyebrows.

“Maybe you were just tired? I mean, so was I.” I said, “Sometimes people do stupid things when they’re tired.”

“That’s one way to put it.”

“In any case,” I sighed, “The fact is that you have potential and you have something to say, and what you have to say deserves a place out there. And if anyone comes after you, physically or in a discriminatory way, for having a different opinion, I’ll send Sera after their ass.”

“Sera?” he deadpanned, an eyebrow raised.

I shrugged, “She might not like you, but she does like cash.”

“You’re ridiculous.”

“Says the guy that got me in trouble with Leliana.”

Solas opened his mouth once to retort but probably decided against it. Instead, he just sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose.

“I still don’t think this is a wise option.”

I smirked, “That wasn’t a no.”

“… No, it was not.”

“Do you want this, Solas?” I asked seriously, moving to sit right next to him on the couch. “If you did not have to be afraid of the repercussions, would you want this – to go through with this?”

He stared at me long and hard. Bright blue eyes alight with a nakedness of emotion, a new sight for me to behold. Solas, from what I had observed, has always been a closed off man. Rarely ever expressing emotion except those of smugness and disapproval. I had never seen him like this, so caught between things of what he wanted and his fear. I wondered if this was something he faced often and why he was so open with it around me.

Maybe it was me being like a black mirror. He was no spirit, sure, but I suspected his close relationship with the Fade had somewhat altered him.

“Hypothetically,” he began. “If there were no repercussions, then yes. I would want it. However, we do not live in a hypothetical world.”

“Then let me present you with an Null hypothetical world.” I said, “You give me the okay to publish your book under your name and I will handle anything that comes in your way.”

He arched an eyebrow, “Null hypothetical world?”

“Your hypothesis says that this world’s social constraints would never allow you to publish a book. And a null hypothesis would say that there is no significant relationship between this world’s social constraints and you publishing a book.”

Solas crossed his arms over his chest, intrigued, “And how would you prove this null hypothesis to be true?”

“By introducing another variable.”

He huffed out a laugh, “Wouldn’t that cause the experiment – the research to be a failure? Isn’t that specific choice laden with bias?”

I shot him a strange look, “This is the experiment of life, Solas. An ongoing discussion of what is true and not, everything we’ve written so far is laden with bias and life is all bias. If the truth were that, let us say, life’s purpose was to die, would we simply accept that?”

“No,” he said after a moment. “No, I would not think so.”

“So isn’t our pursuit to find an alternative purpose biased?” I smiled, “If I can say anything based on my years in this field, it is that sometimes there is no right or wrong. Just happy and angry, excited and calm, and moving and still. Each variable influences us, our moods change every day – emotions fluctuate and are unreliable. But despite these grievances, there is something in them that gives us the reason to stay.”

I looked out the window, noticing that the sun was somewhere in the sky that indicated it was time for me to see Alex go. The carriage would arrive soon enough, and with it would be a person from the Society.

I wondered who it’d be and my heart suddenly felt very strange and very heavy. Like melancholy and happiness mixed into one and I suddenly felt both the reluctance to leave and stay. My thoughts went to the end again, where I would have to leave. I would never see Skyhold again, not Thedas, Orlais, the university, or any of the people I had met.

When I turned my gaze back to Solas, he was staring at me intently. Almost as intently as Cole was. I smiled and found him caught off guard. Now, it wasn’t like I knew Solas or Cole all that closely, but I had to admit I found some kind of solace in talking to them. Maybe it was because they were good listeners or it was their reactions that I delighted in. Whether it was Cole’s surprised face, Solas’ inquisitive stares, and both their focused stares on me as I spoke. I enjoyed their attention and time with me. And I knew I would miss them when I left, just as I would miss a lot of other people as well.

“Psychology is only a part of the puzzle and I’m sure fellow friends and scholars in the philosophical branch of ethics would gladly lend their voice in this but,” I shrugged. “They are not here.”

I hoped that, at the end, my heart would be able to go home without any regrets.

“In any case,” I continued, collecting my things into my bag and getting to my feet. “I’m afraid I have to go though, Solas. I’m sorry but I’ll have to cut this short. I’m seeing Alex off today and I still have work to do. Just send me the list through a messenger, alright?”

When he didn’t respond, I looked to him and found that he wasn’t even looking at me. He was staring off at the wall, thoughtful and some other emotion I could not discern. I cocked my head to the side.

“Solas?”

No response.

“Solas…?” I tried again, tapping his shoulder.

He jumped in surprise and I wondered how a mage like him ever survived in the wilderness if I could surprise him with touch.

Then I remembered, black mirror – right.

“I’m going to go now,” I said, pointing toward the door. “I’ll see you later?”

He nodded, blinking tiredly as he rubbed his eyes, “I – yes, of course.”

I nodded, slowly, “Are you alright?”

“I’ll be fine.” He said, still not looking at me.

I nodded for the last time before muttering a goodbye and leaving the room, puzzled and worried for him. But I pushed that thought away, I still needed to say goodbye to Alex and meet up with the member from the Society. That required my full attention, at least for the moment.

I hurried out, pausing to say hello to Varric, before descending the steps. At the lowest level of Skyhold’s courtyard, I saw a beautifully ornate Orlesian carriage guarded by single man. Squinting, I saw that Alex was there with a modest sized suitcase. He was staring at the carriage in awe and shuffling around awkwardly, which I found very endearing.

I was about to call out to the footman to get him to lift his face so I could see who it was, but just as I opened my mouth someone called out my name.

“Mara!”

I turned to find it was Solas, already standing a meter or two away with a piece of paper in his hands.

“Solas,” I said, turning to fully face him. “You came out quick, I didn’t hear you.”

“I wanted to give you this,” He handed me his paper. “It’s the list. I didn’t know if it would be polite to give it to you later, since you mentioned you were going to be busy.”

I smiled, “That’s considerate of you. Thank you Solas.”

He nodded and was about to move away until I called out to him.

“Solas,” I said. “Since you’re already out here, would you want to accompany me to say goodbye to Alex?”

He paused, curious, “I would not mind, but why ask me?”

I shrugged and told him the truth, “I mean you’re already out here. And I think besides you and me, nobody else knows who Alex is. It might be nice for him to know someone else is going to see him off.”

“I only know his name, Mara.”

“Sometimes that’s more than enough for a person.” I said, “Unless you have work, of course.”

He cocked his head to the side for a moment, deep in thought, before he shrugged, “You gave me some of your time, I’d like to return it.”

“Great!” I said, “Come on then.”

As we descended the stairs together, I struck up a conversation of small talk with him. Solas was easy to converse with and I found myself forgetting to check up on the footman until the last minute. It was only when we were nearing the last steps did I realize who it was.

It was Timotheus.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mara is in for one hell of a treat in the next chapter LMAO, also I've noticed a couple of people saying they want a Solas POV chapter. I'll try and write one out for you all, but I probably won't publish it until the climax of this story. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! :D


	9. To be Lonely

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mara makes a friend and a tearful goodbye, twice. Warning for mentions of drug and alcohol abuse, as well a recount of an overdose.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I... have no excuse for how late this update is, aside from me being very busy.

Tim was dressed in the garb of any other Orlesian royal footman. Extravagant, golden trimming, dark royal blues, and completely out of place in Skyhold’s courtyard. Onlookers murmured to and fro about who could have possibly be meant for such a carriage. There were also some resentful looks from some, whether out of hatred for Orlais, Fereldan nationalistic pride, or the fact that someone ordered a gilded golden carriage to be delivered in the midst of a war.

“Footman,” I greeted, trying to hold back my grin. “Really, a golden carriage?”

“Madam Mara,” he said, smug and trying to hold back his own grin. “I’m afraid this was all Empress Celene could spare for you, should I return and request for one made of diamonds?”

I rolled my eyes, trying to hold myself back from bantering _too_ much with him. Tim’s eyes were alight with joy and a lot of sentimental unsaid ‘I miss yous’. However, they changed drastically when he caught sight of Solas behind me who was talking to Alex.

“Mara,” he whispered angrily and inched closer, switching quick to our shared native tongue. “_What is this?_”

“_A detour_,” I said, not quite lying but not quite telling the truth either. “_The best place to hide is not in the shadows, but in broad daylight. Let them know part, but not all. Trust me_.”

It hurt my heart to not tell the whole truth, but I was convinced Solas was a better man than what he thought.

I watched him, my chest filling with a constricting feeling as his dark brown eyes flicked from me to Solas. His hands were trembling and his breath was labored, like that of a child waking up from a nightmare. Solas must have noticed because he suddenly lifted his eyes towards Tim. But before Tim could do anything, I stood directly in front of him and grabbed his hands tight.

“Footman,” I said, grabbing his attention. “_It’s going to be alright_.”

“_Alright? Alright?!_” He demanded in that angry whisper of his, “_Mara, I could care less about what could happen to Thedas if something happened to you! I might as well order you to come home now, right this instant – _”

“_And you know I would fight you all the way!_” I seethed, “I will not go home, not until I find the other one. Who knows where they could be, what could have happened?”

“_With him?_”

“_It just happened, we will talk about this later_ –”

“_If he hurts you –_ ”

“Excuse me,” a voice suddenly said. “Is everything alright here?”

I looked behind me, only to find Solas with a gentle hand on Alex’s shoulder. Alex looked confused, big eyes flitting from me to Tim.

“Everything is just peachy.” Tim muttered, pushing past me. “Excuse me, _messeres_.”

Solas’s face remained as impassive as ever while Alex looked visibly worried.

“What’s wrong, Alex?” I asked.

“He’s… not going to hurt me, is he?” Alex said, fiddling with his fingers.

“No! No, Alex. Never.” I said, grabbing his hands, “You are in very good hands. I know him personally, best footman in all of Orlais. He knows Thedas like the back of his hands and you will be travelling in the utmost comfort. You will be safe and warm, okay? There are people at the estate who will take very good care of you as well.”

“And when are you coming to the estate?” he asked.

“When my job is finished.” I smiled.

“And when is that?”

I ruffled his hair, “Hopefully soon, Alex. I’ll take good care of you when I do, okay?”

“Okay,” he said, lips slowly curling into a bashful, relieved, and happy smile. “Thank you Mara. Thank you so much – I’m sorry that I was angry with you before –”

“Oh Alex, thank _you_. I’m just glad I found you.” I said, my voice saturated with joyous and victorious laughter. “Now we don’t know each other too well yet, but I wanted to ask if I could have a hug before you go?”

He nodded, pale cheeks now rosy red as he fought back tears. As he wrapped his arms around me tight, my heart ached so deeply. I could only imagine what kind of life he had lived on Thedas, what things he could have seen – and at such a young age, too. No child deserved that, most of all a child from Earth. Alex didn’t deserve to die here, in a foreign land caught up in a war that had nothing to do with him.

“Safe travels,” I whispered. “And my greetings to your uncle, should you ever see him.”

He laughed, “I’ll tell him so.”

As he slipped from my fingers, I smiled, “I’ll see you soon, Alex.”

“You better!” He grinned, a smile so bright that it would put the sun to shame. Wiping his tears away, he climbed into the carriage. “Bye Mara!”

“Goodbye Alex!” I called after him, waving.

As the carriage lurched forward to carry him off, I caught Tim’s eyes. He looked at me with such sadness and worry that it added to the weight of everything in me. I missed Tim so much and I hated how our time together, as short as it was, was mostly filled with bickering.

I called after him, “Footman!”

He paused, waiting.

I smiled, “Take care of him for me! And of yourself too, make sure you two eat well!”

Tim blinked once, twice, before his mouth slowly curled into a smile. It was in no way as bright as Alex’s, but it had a charm to it – and it eased my chest. I was forgiven, that was what mattered.

To this day, I wonder what I had ever done to have garnered a friend as good as Tim.

And as I watched the smile travel further away from me, I was eventually left alone to my melancholy and memories. Of a time when Timotheus was just as young as Alex, when his smile was just as bright. But Thedas had a way of taking the light away from you.

This world was already heavy for me, but for Tim, our oracle, it was as if he was Atlas in human form – trying to hold it all up. And I think that, despite both our apprehensions in meddling with Thedas’ business, there were parts of us that truly wanted the best for this world.

But then again, this wasn’t our fight.

“Mara,” Solas called and I felt something soft touch my cheek. “Mara, you’re crying.”

“Am I?” I said, my voice shaky. I reached up to touch my cheeks and found them wet with tears.

“Take this,” he said and wiped one of my cheeks with a handkerchief.

“Thank you – ” I sniffled, taking it gently. “Really, thank you Solas. I’m so sorry you had to see me in this state – ”

“Nonsense, emotions are very good things to express.” He said, a small and apologetic smile on his face. “They are what make you Mara.”

I paused, staring at him in surprise and thankfulness. His words had eased me a bit and I found that it was a bit easier to smile, “You’re right, Solas. Thank you.”

He eyes faltered, dropping to the floor before rising to meet mine again, bright blue eyes soft but sad, “Come, let’s go inside.”

I hummed and followed him inside Skyhold’s main castle. Large and built with cold stone, it seemed like everything lost a bit of its shimmer without Alex around – even if I had only known him for such a short while. Everything seemed to glow when Tim was there too, but maybe it was just a trick of the light – it was sunset, afterall, and the Frostbacks were painted in this golden, hazy glow that made the blankets of snow look like gold.

Now, there was only darkness and cold winds. As night descended and I shivered in the cold, alone again, I looked to Solas as we entered the gates. My eyes lingered on his features and I felt my stupid hand reach for his. To this day, I cannot recall whether I had moved instinctively or not. Whatever the reason was, I remembered him turning to meet my eyes in surprise. Looking down at my hand that had abandoned the act early, settling for only a brush of fingers.

And yet, he never moved away from me.

“Solas,” I had said. “Thank you, for today.”

He was quiet for a while before he answered, with words so quiet you’d be able to hear each snowflake fall to the earth below our feet –

“It’s what friends are for.”

I found myself smile, "Now we're friends?"

"I'd like to think so." he smiled back.

Then his fingers brushed against mine once more and we entered Skyhold in comfortable silence. Welcomed by the heat from the fireplace nearby and walking together into the rotunda, his handkerchief still in my hands.

I never did have the courage to look up at him again that night, wondering if his smile was growing wider like mine was.

* * *

When the next day came, Mahanon Lavellan had arrived at Skyhold. I was in the main hall speaking to Varric when he burst through the war room, stomping angrily out into the gardens, followed by a much worried Josephine and stared at by Cullen and Leliana from the door who were, surprisingly, mildly scared.

Sparking my curiosity, I excused myself from Varric and approached Cullen.

“Commander,” I said. “Um, permission to speak?”

“You’re no soldier, Mara.” He said, looking to me in amusement. “What is it? Speak freely.”

“Well, uh,” I paused, awkward. “Is something happening?”

Like any person, seeing the Inquisitor – the head to an organization hellbent on stopping a darkspawn magister from destroying the world – in distress, would make you just as distressed. I was hoping nothing bad was going to happen, given the circumstances and the worry that if conflict were to escalate any further, E might be sent out into the battlefield as extra manpower.

Just as Cullen was about to answer, Leliana cut him off.

“Let us speak inside, yes?” she said and grabbed my arm, dragging me into Josephine’s office.

Leliana gestured for me to sit at the couch adjacent to hers by the fireplace, I did so hesitantly – exchanging confused looks with Cullen.

“Leliana, are you sure this is a good decision?” he asked.

“To tell her?” she scoffed, “She might as well be our last hope.”

“I’m sorry,” I said. “I’m afraid I don’t quite understand what’s going on?”

“The Inquisitor is worried that we won’t be granted access to the Winter Ball in Orlais, Gaspard has refused us to be his fellow attendee and Empress Celene is less incline to invite us.” She sighed, leaning back as she crossed her legs, “But how lucky you were in the main hall, because I think I’ve just found our next best thing.”

“Excuse me?” I blinked.

“You called for a carriage to Skyhold, did you not?” she smiled at me, secretive and deadly, before turning to Cullen. “When it came, do you know what surprised me most about it?”

Cullen sighed, “What?”

“That it was the kind of carriage reserved for the Empress’ closest friends.” Leliana said, turning back to me. “You never told us that you were so close to her.”

“That’s because I’m not!” I sputtered, “I’ve only met her on campus, she comes and goes to survey our development – but we’re not _friends_.”

“But she wants you to be.”

“No!”

“Yes.”

“Perhaps.”

I spun my head to Cullen, frantic, “Commander?!”

“She sends you a carriage, she _visits_ your campus frequently, and she has sent you a letter recently as well,” Leliana said, pulling out a fancy dark royal blue envelope from out of nowhere. The golden lion wax seal had been broken, no doubt by Leliana. “Detailing that she would like you to attend the ball.”

“What?!” Cullen and I both exclaimed.

My head was spinning as Leliana read out the letter.

_To the honorable Mara of the University of Orlais,_

_It doesn’t go a day that I am astounded by your findings and your perseverance in the field of psychology. Your works have added to the name of Orlais, I frequently receive letters from many Tevinter and Fereldan dignitaries and scholars requesting for your attendance in their own schools. I must say that I am rather selfish and would like to keep you in Orlais for all time, however I felt the need to extend this invitation to you still._

_Mara, you are cordially invited to the Winter Ball that will take place at Halamshiral Palace a month from now to speak with me regarding scholarship opportunities for the youths of Orlais. As well as the prospects of your career as a royal tutor, should you wish for it._

_Yours Respectfully, Empress Celene. _

I was freaking out. I was officially freaking out.

“Oh,” Cullen said, blinking owlishly at the letter. “Oh my. It really says that?”

“I didn’t skip out on a single word.” Leliana shrugged, slipping the letter back into the envelope and sliding it over to me. “I do apologize for the crassness in me opening the letter, but the situation was dire – we have to seize any opportunity in getting an invite.”

I stared after her in disbelief.

Leliana shrugged, “If you write a letter to Empress Celene personally, asking for the ability to invite the Inquisitor and a handful of companions to attend as well, I will ignore the existence of your cult on the outskirts of Orlais.”

I froze.

“Cult?” Cullen asked, bewildered, “What cult?”

“It’s a cult of people who truly believe that they are from another world.” Leliana’s smile turned cynical, eyes trained on mine. “What absolute garbage.”

I felt my hands and shoulders shake right then. Whether out of anger, fear, or guilt – I had never felt so much. It was too much. The fear of what would happen, that if I sent the letter begging for an invitation would lead to the downfall of my career and if I didn’t what would happen to the Society. The guilt of what I did wrong, what had lead them to the estate, what breadcrumbs I had left for her crows to pick up on. And the absolute anger I felt for her, calling everything we built as garbage.

Leliana leaned forward, “Was it another one of your silly lessons you had? Did you fool any other students from the university of Orlais into joining? The children in the streets? What book”

I grabbed her by the collar so fast it shocked Cullen, her, and myself. But anger took hold of me, such red hot anger that I couldn’t stop myself from speaking.

“I will cut your hand off – ”

I cut her off.

“I couldn’t care less if you did! You could have my head on a platter, my guts for breakfast, fill me up with more Qamek than that time before, turn me tranquil, anything you want – ” I pulled her closer, my knuckles pale with how tight I was grabbing her. “But touch a goddamn piece of hair on their heads and I will kill you. I’ll turn into a demon or a darkspawn, I’ll even lead Corypheus right toward you – let him have his cake and eat it too. Don’t even think for a second I would hesitate. What I have is more than a cult.” I threw her back to her seat and jabbed a finger at her chest, “It is my family. A home for the people you have _failed_ to keep safe, from the Mage and Templar war – where was the Chantry, the Inquisition when innocent people, seemingly insignificant to you all up high on your golden thrones, were dying? Why did nobody act before this? Why did it take Corypheus for you to do something meaningful? Is empathy for the little people a sign of a cult? Is wanting them to be safe, fed, and have a good home wrong? I have never asked anything from them other than to be safe, that there is a home for them yet. I’ve seen the way you treat people, like pawns that must give their lives up for this organization, and you want to tell me mine is a _cult_?”

The room was filled with silence, accompanied by the crackle of the fireplace.

“Big words coming from a woman who cherry picks her so called family members.” Leliana spat.

“At least I don’t send any of them to their grave,” I spat back.

I could tell she didn’t have anything left to say. Good. It meant she only knew it was a form of a cult of people who thought they came from another world. She thought we were delusional, which played in my favor. The best place to hide is right under their noses, after all.

I smirked, victorious when she had nothing left to say.

Just then, the door behind us opened and I turned around only to find Mahanon. He was by the door frame, looking at us with open surprise. Dark blue eyes flitted from mine to Leliana’s, then Cullen’s, a white eyebrow arching up in question.

Josephine caught up soon after him, in the midst of her reasoning and notes that it took her a while to register what was going on.

“What – ”

“What is – ”

But Cullen’s voice rang clear, “You gave her **_Qamek_**?!”

I pushed Leliana away one last time and marched over to Mahanon, easily towering over him. I had already stood a good head over him, but my outrage made me feel taller.

“You want an invitation to the Winter Ball so bad?” I seethed, “I’ll write a letter for you, begging the Empress to have you come with me. But know that I am risking my job in Orlais for you. After the ball, forget me working for the Inquisition. Consider this an early resignation letter. I _quit_.”

Pushing past Mahanon and Josephine, I fought tears from spilling. As I walked out into the main hall, it was as if cotton began to fill my ears and Mahanon’s calls after me were but strange ringing noises. All I could do was keep walking, walking far – far away from Skyhold. The walk turned into a jog, then a run, and a sprint. I left the gates and made my way into the snow-covered valleys, past the camps and into the spruce-tree forests. I wanted to catch up to Tim, warn him of everything. I couldn't bring myself to go to my room and call, Skyhold didn't feel safe.

I had no idea where I was going, but anywhere was better than Skyhold. I’d rather be home than here. In a place where people treated me like such a stranger, despite having proved my worth for weeks there, despite having proved that I was against Corypheus in each way. I was never going to find a place in Skyhold. I didn’t find it in Kirkwall, not in Orlais, and certainly not here.

There was only one place in all of the world I would find solace in. And that was back in the estate.

Yet even that, I wondered, if I had destroyed as well.

Leliana now had the upper hand, she could use my family – the Society as leverage for whatever she wanted me to do. It felt like she hated me because of my work, perhaps there were parts of it she couldn’t agree with – but was it so bad that she had some personal vendetta against me?

All I knew was that if they were gone, I’d truly have no-one in Thedas. And I was so sick of being alone. I wanted to go home, I just wanted to be with the people I cared for – and those who cared for me.

Unable to continue running, I stopped in the middle of a clearing of a forest. Whatever dam I had built trying to keep my emotions at bay finally burst as tears began to pour from my eyes and I collapsed to my knees. Exhausted, frightened, and cold. My body slumped forward and there I laid in the cold, white snow. Alone, and so very tired.

Whether it was from sleep deprivation, lack of eating, overworking, some deep bout of sadness and fear, or if it was just the fact that I had ran so far for so long that my body physically couldn’t keep up with me. I wondered who would find me here, or if anyone would. Would I die of hypothermia before then, would they have trouble finding my body covered by all the snow?

They say that your life flashes before your eyes before you die.

Here, I saw myself growing up into a young adult. The golden shimmer of childhood, the peer pressure from my friends, my descent into drinking. Then recovery and the bright future of a university ahead of me. Straight As, then anxiety, and depression, and realizing that if I could not find solace in alcohol there was always an alternative.

A girl, I couldn’t remember who, accompanying me cry in a club bathroom. She wasn’t of sound heart and mind, offered me a pill, told me it would make me happy again. She smiled and was so very pretty, the offer so very tempting, and I took it. Then I took it again, and again, and again, for the next couple of days, which turned to weeks, to months, and to two years.

Then one night I had realized I had taken too much. I collapsed in my family’s bathroom.

‘Oh,’ I thought. ‘Oh, that was too much.’

The door to the dark bathroom opened and there stood my younger brother. His face morphed in the dizzying white light. From happiness, shock, grief, worry, fear, and then panic.

“Mom!” He had sobbed loudly, screaming, “Mom! Dad! Get help – Mara is – Mara – ”

I heard dull footsteps race up the stairs and two figures appearing in my blurry, dark vision. A woman gasped and a man came to me, his shadow covering me whole.

He opened his mouth to speak but before I could hear anything, the world went dark and quiet.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm not sure if I'll address this in future chapters so I'll just say it here, the reason why Leliana doesn't like Mara is because she sees a lot of Marjolaine in her (also the first three letters of their name are the same so there's that coincidence lmao). Also regarding Mara's actions, she was experiencing a great amount of sensory overload coupled with the fear that she'd lose the people she loved + Leliana was insulting them, her, and her work.
> 
> In any case though, thanks for reading!


	10. Father's Daughter

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which I attempt to write Mara's past as a mental image, Solas meddles and proves he's a good friend, and Mara is a very troubled soul. But she manages, like she always does.
> 
> WARNING for domestic abuse, mentions of overdose, and just overall a dark chapter.

When I came to, I was back home. Not the estate and most definitely not on Skyhold, however. I was back in my family home on Earth.

I was in the dining room, watching, from a third person perspective, me sitting silently – playing with my food as my mother yelled at me from across the table. My father was eating in silence, and my brother was nowhere to be seen.

Her voice was loud, the memory of it returning that old, familiar ringing to my ears. She was screaming at me about my grades, why I was failing university despite everything. At some point, she threw her plate at me. It shattered against the wall as cold, untouched rice splattered against me.

Me and her both winced, shock overtaking her and a dull sense of familiar trauma took me.

I watched my mother berate me without a moment’s reprieve. She was furious, her cheeks bright red as her dark black hair slowly came undone from her bun clipped by a single, small butterfly clip.

I was older now and this memory so long ago. When I tried to look at my mother, focus on her face, I found that I could not remember what she looked like. My brain, I suppose, made up for this by covering her face with her dark hair. My father I could not remember either, his back was turned towards me. His shoulders were broad and strong, but they were shaking.

I smiled sadly.

He always was as terrified of my mother as I was.

Like father like daughter, I suppose.

He was one of the reasons why I wanted to go home. If I could have any other chance to live again on Earth, I’d have whisked him away from her. Give him a good home in the countryside where he’d have his own garden, maybe open a small farm, and give him anything he could ask for.

And yet, as I watched my younger self freeze up as my mother marched past, I was reminded that I was so far away from them. I bowed my head and shut my eyes, feeling both guilty and humiliated as a failure of a daughter to my father – as well as a sister to my brother.

Suddenly, there was a knock on the door.

“Mara,” my father’s voice said. “There’s someone at the door, could you open it for me sweetheart?”

But my younger self never answered.

The knocking grew louder, more frantic.

“Mara,” he said.

Still, no answer.

A warm hand suddenly grabbed mine and I looked up in surprise. There, I saw my twisted expression in my father’s warm eyes. He was looking right at me, like I was really there and not some ornament to my sad memory.

“Darling,” he said. “Please open the door for papa.”

I was caught off-guard. My mouth falling open to an ‘oh’, my eyes widening as I took in his face. It was so alike to mine. Tanned skin, warm and brown eyes, curly dark brown hair, and sharp features that smoothed over when you’d smile. It was like looking in a mirror.

With the bags under his eyes, he looked so much alike to me. And I to him.

Then the knocking got so loud that I could no longer ignore it.

I looked up in annoyance and heard my father chuckle. Hearing it, however, I couldn’t help but smile. I leaned close and kissed him on his forehead, a sinking feeling in my stomach that he’d disappear when the door opened.

“I love you, dad.”

“Papa loves you too.” He whispered, squeezing my hand one last time before letting go.

I walked away slowly, my eyes locked onto his the entire time. A sob was threatening to escape my lips, but I held it in – that is, until I stood right next to my younger self. She was still silent, looking down at her plate of food.

She was covered in rice and whatever else was on my mother’s plate. I remembered what it felt like to be her and I had to cover my mouth, shut my eyes, from remembering what came soon after this.

Passing by the staircase, I saw the bathroom door only for a split second before purposely turning away.

I stood by the door, looking to the right one last time to see my father smiling after me reassuringly.

I tried to smile back.

The knocks were deafening at this point and as I threw open the door, the world went silent.

“Solas?” I asked, surprised at seeing my new friend by the door.

“Mara,” he panted, out of breath and visibly disheveled. “Please – no more – ”

“Hi?” I blinked, “Wait, you’re not really here – are you?”

“Oh thank goodness it’s actually you,” he panted and I peered at the scene behind him. It was pitch black. My eyes narrowed. “It usually doesn’t take this long to find someone in the Fade.”

“We’re not in the Fade.” I said, stepping aside. “We’re in my head now, though I’m not sure how you got here.”

“A lot of fighting.” He groaned, his head in his hands now.

“Fighting?” I asked, “Fighting what?”

“You.”

“Me?” I asked, surprised. “I’ve been here this whole time – oh God, you look like you’ve just fought a war! Um, this isn’t really a home as much as it’s a mental painting of one but why don’t you come in?”

“Thank you.” He said, wobbling in.

I went by his side and helped him up, my knees almost buckling from the weight.

“Was my skull too thick for you to get through?” I joked.

“Mara,” he said, voice low and grim. “I have walked the Fade many, many times in my life. And yet I’ve never seen anything like this.”

“Well there’s always a first for everything.” I tried to smile, “Cole did say I was different.”

“But never did I imagine it was to this extent.” He grunted, frustrated as I let him down in the living room on a couch.

I took a step away from him, taking the state of him in. He was wearing the same old clothes he’d wear in Skyhold but they were ripped so badly. I could see scratches along the exposed skin and bruises all over. My stomach sank.

“I don’t know if this would help but maybe there’s some metaphorical first-aid kit around here somewhere.” I grumbled, “I’ll look for it.”

“Mara – ”

I waved him off, “I’ll be back soon.”

Rummaging through the cabinets in the dining room, my father began speaking to me again.

“Who was it?” he asked, the sound of his utensils scraping against his plate accompanying his voice.

“Just a friend.” I hummed.

“Is he a good friend?”

I smiled a small smile, remembering the handkerchief he gave me and the words we exchanged, “I think so. He came out all this way to see me.”

“Well, he certainly sounds like a good friend.” My father chuckled, “Ah, and here he is. Come sit down.”

I froze.

He’d see my younger-self, covered in cold, wet rice with that pitiful expression –

“Oh.” I said, having turned around with the first-aid kit in hand, finding her seat empty. And in her stead was Solas.

He looked to me, unbelievably confused at this whole situation.

“Uh,” I cleared my throat. “Dad, meet Solas. Solas, meet my… father.”

My father extended a hand across the table, “Good to meet you.”

“Ah,” Solas hesitated before reaching across the table as well. “It’s good to meet you as well.”

My father smiled, “So what brings you over to our house?”

“I – ” he paused when my father began to pour him a glass of iced tea, pushing it toward him.

“Please, drink.” He said, “Would you like anything to eat?”

Solas and I exchanged a look of confusion until we finally realized the room had changed. There was no indication of there ever being a plate thrown at the wall, the floors looked as if they had been polished anew, and my father looked so happy. He was older now, with a few greying pieces of hair and more wrinkles on his face.

Smile lines, I realized. An indication that you had lived a very good life.

The lights were different now. They were golden and bright, the sunlight streaming in through the windows – filtered by the billowing white translucent curtains. Outside the window you could see a great expanse of a field of flowers and vegetables, grains and legumes, and people outside – laughing and playing.

They looked so familiar.

“Huh,” I said, taking a seat next to Solas. “Solas, may I dress your wounds?”

Solas shifted his eyes from me to my father, watching him warily before slowly offering me his arm.

Taking it gingerly, I rolled up his sleeves – wincing at the sight of the cuts and bruises.

“I did this to you?”

“I’m not sure.” He muttered, loud enough for just me to hear. “But they looked like you, sounded like you as well. I thought there were demons at first, misguided spirits. I thought to help them, but they wouldn’t listen.”

He paused.

“I hope you don’t mind me saying this,” he said. “But your father – ”

“Is something like them?” I said, “Did they have names, these other versions of me?”

“Yes,” he answered. “When I first entered, I met one who called themselves persona. She was like a demon of deceit, but there was never any malice. It didn’t feel like a spirit turned against it’s purpose. Then I met three bickering versions of you named – ”

“Let me guess,” I smiled cynically. “Id, ego, and superego?”

He frowned, “So you know them.”

“Sort of.” I paused, looking up from helping him with his wounds. “You’re being uncharacteristically patient with me.”

“You’re in a precarious situation right now, Mara.” He said, voice quiet and dark. “You’ve been asleep for a week now.”

I nearly dropped the bandage.

This meant I hadn’t called Timotheus for _days_.

Oh he was going to be _pissed_.

“Oh… is that so.” I said, going back to fixing the bandages across his wounds.

Solas looked both angry and visibly distressed, “When the healer told us what was wrong, I couldn’t believe this – you go into what is essentially the equivalent of a coma because you didn’t eat right, you didn’t sleep right, you weren’t getting enough water, and then you basically ran into the Frostbacks with nothing more than the clothes of your back!”

Good god, not even in my dreams was I free of nagging.

“Both Cole and The Inquisitor have been worrying after you,” he seethed. “The university has been asking for you as well – ”

“Right! I need to get well and come back because you all still need me to write your letter for you!” I yelled, tightening one of the bandages on purpose, making Solas wince. “What else would you need me for besides wiping your collectives asses?! Work on the soldiers Mara, posture yourself in Orlais for us Mara –”

“That is not why I’m here!” he hissed.

I only yelled louder, “Drink this bottle of Qamek Mara, do all this or else we’ll kill your family Mara – ”

“Mara – ”

Realizing I had finished dressing his wounds, I threw everything back into the box angrily and shoved it back inside the cabinet, “Why do I try?! Why does any of this even matter?!”

“I came here to save you from losing your job!” Solas yelled back. His voice so loud that I was sure for a moment that it shook the house. “I’m sorry, I really am for everything that’s happened to you. I have no idea what happened to you that has essentially split yourself into parts, scattered across this – _whatever_ this is! I’m sorry for the things you’ve lost but –”

Solas paused and I turned around to face him. His eyes were wide open, filled with fear and realization. But of what, I could not decipher.

“You still have your job.” He said, dialing down the volume of his voice. “You have your people, don’t you? Your friends and family at home. That footman, he was one of yours – wasn’t he?”

I nodded, slow.

“And Alex?”

Again, I nodded.

“I know – ” he paused, like he felt some kind of sharp pain in his chest. “I know what it’s like to lose your people, for there to be a threat against them. I would do anything for my own as well. I’d even take a sword to the chest if need be. But you can’t protect them here, asleep and dreaming for who knows how long.”

There was a part of me that felt like he was talking more to himself than he was talking to me.

Black mirror, I remembered. Black mirror.

I felt sympathy for him, knowing the history of the elves. I had heard Solas didn’t care much for the Dalish, but perhaps a part of him still did.

“Trust me,” he said, almost like he was begging. “Please, you need to wake up – ”

“No.” I frowned, “No, I don’t want to.”

“Mara – ”

“No! I don’t want to go!” I whined, “I’m so tired, Solas. I’m so, so very tired. You were right, I wasn’t eating right, I wasn’t drinking enough, not sleeping, not anything – I tried to give everything I had for this. And what did I get?”

He was silent.

“What did I get?!” I repeated, louder.

“You’re not Mara.” He said, “Are you?”

That sinking feeling was back.

“No.” I said, “No I’m not.”

I could feel his sad gaze, “Your name, then?”

“Shadow,” I said.

I could not describe what I felt other than a very sudden empty feeling, in place of where my heart should be. I reached up to my chest and found it hollow in the shape of a circle.

“I read about you,” he said, standing up and moving the chair back into its place. “In her papers, she described you as the rejected part of a person. So undesirable that both your unconscious and subconscious have forgotten you.”

Suddenly, there was a shadow behind me. It was large and by the wall, I could see it – and the reflection of six, red eyes watching me.

“And this,” his shadow gestured toward father. “Is this her archetype? The Father?”

“You’re a smart man.” I said, “You know what the answer is.”

The six eyes returned to look at me, “Shadow. I’m by no means an expert in Mara’s field, but if I can decipher anything regarding this – it seems like you are the equivalent of a demon of apathy, of despair.”

I laughed, “What are you going to do, kill me like a demon? You can’t kill me, Solas. I’m a part of Mara, I was born with her like her shadow sticks to her when the sun is out. I change shape just as the sun moves and distorts a shadow’s image.”

I looked out into the bright outdoors, still refusing to face him.

“Today I might be apathy, tomorrow despair, and the next day loneliness – but I’ll be here forever.” I said, “Kill me and you kill Mara. I did not invade her mind, Solas. I was born here. If anything, you are the invader – don’t you think I could kill you here?”

There was a growl.

“Persona hurt you, id, ego, and superego got you caught up in their scuffle by accident – what do you think would happen if they went after you?” I asked, a dark feeling in my heart. “I could suffocate you in her memories, lock you here with me forever. Drown you in the dark.”

There was a beat of silence as I felt my lips curl into a smile.

“And if you tried to break out, you’d really kill her.” I said, realizing where this was going. “You’d actually get what you wanted when you let her drink that Qamek – ”

“That’s enough.” Father said.

“But I – ”

He stared at me, angry, for a moment before turning to Solas, “The door is open.”

I turned to look.

It was.

“Go,” he said. “Mara will be waking up soon.”

Solas did not entertain a response.

“I don’t know what you hoped to find when you came here, Solas.” He said, moving to stand on his own two feet, “If you were going to convince her to move on, to be happy, to strive for her job, her career. I’m sorry, but you will not change anything I’m afraid. Some things, some hurts, some natures… are too lofty to change. We will handle this ourselves, Solas, as we always have.”

The floorboards creaked, indicating movement.

“Thank you for coming though,” he said, warmth filling the room as every word was punctuated with genuine sentiment. “If anything, I’m grateful you’re her friend. Even if you are a… what is this, wolf?”

There was a huff of frustration, but not out of malice.

“Kids these days.”

The huff was louder this time.

“Go on now,” he said and I felt a warm arm circle around my shoulders. “She’ll be there with you in a moment.”

The floorboard creaked one more time and I heard footsteps, heavy, that slowly got quieter and quieter as time passed.

When I was sure he had gone. I laid my head on my father’s shoulder and felt him plant a kiss on my forehead.

“Are you alright, sweetheart?” he whispered and I only made a noncommittal sound as a response. “It’s alright now, we can rest.”

I sighed and watched the world around me get dimmer and dimmer, realising that we were going to wake up soon.

Just as everything went dark, I could hear the voice of my brother calling out for my father and mother. As my father released me from his hold to race up the stairs, opening the door to the bathroom – I raked my fingers through my hair and found bits of dried rice still stuck.

* * *

When I came to, I was wrapped in a white blanket in my room. It had been dusted recently, my books rearranged neat and tidy on my desk. Solas, to my surprise, was also there. He was sat in an armchair, asleep with papers strewn across the floor before him.

Getting up slowly, I crept silently toward him with my blanket in my arms. I wrapped the blanket around him and gently picked up his papers, rearranging them in order until I realized they were the papers I had published. I stared at his sleeping face and found a smile grow on my lips.

What a person he was.

I laid the papers on the end-table beside him before creeping as silently as I could toward my table. I sat there, contemplating a decision before finally giving in.

Taking a feather pen, a bottle of ink, and a fancy lettered parchment out – I began to write the letter addressed to Empress Celene.

However, not soon after a hand placed a cup of tea paired with a plate of biscuits beside me.

“If you’re going to work,” a voice close to my ear said. “At least take care of yourself.”

“How long have you been here?" I wondered aloud.

“A while,” he said. “And a while longer now.”

I raised an eyebrow.

“I’ll leave when you finish your food.” He said, walking back to his seat.

I frowned, “Please don’t treat me like a child.”

“I am not,” he said, folding the blanket away and taking up his papers. “I am treating you like the worried friend I am.”

I faltered then.

“Please, Mara.” He said, his back turned toward me. “Please, just eat.”

Guilt hit me in the chest. I truly did wonder how long he had been waiting for me.

“Have you been…?” I trailed off.

He waved me off, “Eat, Mara.”

Finally, I relented. Setting aside my pen, I took my plate and cup toward Solas. Sitting adjacent to him, I opened up a book and read as I ate and drank. We settled into a comfortable silence before I broke the silence.

“So,” I began. “How long have I been asleep?”

“A week or so.” He said.

I tried my best to mask my panic.

“You have some catching up to do before your month ends in the Inquisition,” he said. “Research, remaining documents for the Commander, and your teaching agreement with me.”

I rubbed my temples in resignation, “Right.”

He looked up from his papers and held my gaze for a bit too long.

“Solas…?”

“But if it’s any comfort,” he said. “It’s good to see you back.”

There was a moment before what he said finally registered in my head.

I smiled, happy to know there was someone in Skyhold who cared for me.

This time, I grabbed his hand and smiled bright.

“I’m happy to be back.” I said, “And I promise to teach you all I know.”

He mirrored my smile and squeezed my hand tight.

“I’d like that.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked it! I went pretty dark on some parts here. u_u


	11. Heartbroken Hope

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Overdue chapter! But I hope you enjoy this nonetheless!

In the next two weeks, I had finished almost all the things left for me in the Inquisition.

The first thing I got done was the letter. I asked Solas, in the absence of Alex, to give it to Leliana for me. I didn’t want anything to do with her. But I knew, based on letters from Rachel, that they both fancied each other – Leliana and Rachel. In some bout of anger one night, I wondered if Leliana knew Rachel was part of my ‘cult’ and what a shock that would be. I contemplated telling her. But I cared for Rachel, and it trumped any hatred (I wonder if that’s too strong of a word) I held for Leliana.

I also avoided Mahanon like the plague. The last thing I wanted was for him, who was technically my boss, to try and convince me to stay.

As such, aside from going downstairs for teaching sessions with Solas and running to my room to sleep, I went back to locking myself up in my office – letting only Helisma, Solas, and Fionna in. Helisma, bless her soul, was kind enough to bring both our meals up to my office. We’d eat together, exchanging a couple of words here and there.

Then, at some point, we started talking about the machine Cat made.

“How did you feel though,” I asked. “when you were strapped onto the machine?”

“Nothing unusual.” Helisma answered, wiping her mouth with a napkin.

“Hm,” I said, picking at the rest of my food.

I was bored. Well, more so mentally exhausted than I was bored.

It seemed as though I had made the right decision in quitting. I had finished all my work at record time, ate and slept well (thanks to Helisma and Solas), and Fionna had let me get back to my research.

Speaking of research, I was nearly done. The results confirmed certain aspects of the Thedosian quality of dreams. It matched Solas’ notes and I had decided it would serve as a guest piece in the book he’d publish soon. All that was left now was to pack my things and look for E. with the limited time I had still.

Timotheus assured me it would be alright if I didn’t find E., and that the society would send someone else – and if Leliana was still suspicious, they’d go find a backdoor. And although neither he nor I verbalized it, we were both extremely disappointed. In ourselves, most of all.

But I still had hope, at least until the Winter Ball.

However, the sun was setting and I had to go down to conduct Solas’ and I’s mutual teaching agreement. It wouldn’t do good to continue my search too soon, I’d have to wait afterwards.

I still had time though, even before that.

‘What should I do?’ I wondered, before my eyes flicked over to Helisma.

“Helisma.” I said.

“Yes, Mara?”

“Would you mind sitting by the machine? I’d like to check your – ”

I stopped myself short when there suddenly came the sound of thunderous footsteps passing my door, belonging to many people, and the clamor of chaos outside. Helisma and I shared a look before peeking out the window together.

There, outside, we saw a hordes of soldiers pouring into the snowy valley. The line they travelled in was long, and stretched so far that we had to squint very hard to see the end of it. Helisma and I knew that the medical team the Inquisition had wasn’t very big, and whatever staff we could spare to help were already swamped with work just helping maintain the fortress.

“I think we should help,” Helisma said.

“Duly noted.” I nodded, “Let’s go.”

As we exited my office, I saw the mages who usually would spend time studying in the library running down the steps as well. They probably had the same idea as we did.

“Mara!” a voice called from below.

“Solas!” I replied, pulling on my coat as I raced downstairs. “What’s going on?”

“I suspect that they failed in securing some of the Elvhen temples Corypheus claimed,” he said, “Corypheus has expended much effort in trying to secure them, much more than ever before.”

“They’ve failed.” Helisma said.

“Well, you know what they say,” I said, moving to grab the sheets that used to cover Solas’ furniture. “If the devil is attacking you, at least you’re doing something right.”

“Quite right.” Solas smiled, taking the folded sheets from me.

“Use these for the injured, as makeshift bandages or rags for those who have a fever.” I said, “Oh, uh, you don’t mind right, Solas? I’m sorry, I should’ve asked before – ”

“They’re just sheets, Mara.” He said, “Don’t worry. The Inquisition can always supply us with more later, what with the Inquisitor’s blanket fetching tendencies.”

I smiled, “Thank you, Solas. That’s very selfless of you.”

“They’re just sheets, Mara.”

“It’s always the thought that counts.” I shrugged, removing my coat, “Helisma, here. Use this.”

“Mara, it is not needed – ”

“Nonsense,” I frowned. “There’s a possibility that you might stray too far from me and Solas, someone might put on more work than needed on you. I can’t promise that I’ll find you in this chaos but this should keep your hands from getting too cold. You’ll help a lot more people in that case.”

“Mara,” Solas said. “Helisma might be right, you mentioned once to me that you’re not well acclimated to the cold as we are.”

“I have no expertise in the physiological field of medicine, I won’t be the one stitching wounds or anything. At most, I’ll just be there to ease some psychological pain.” I said, fiddling with my gloves. “I’ll be fine.”

“Mara – ”

“We all need to be a little selfless at times like these, I think.” I said, the sting of Leliana’s words and everything else hitting a little too close to home. I was so tired of feeling sad and somewhat betrayed, I suppose work was the reason why I wasn’t thinking of such things too much.

For a person who studied psychology and gave out psychological advice, I rarely did practice what I taught.

It seemed that this was an opportunity to change that.

“Let’s just get to work.” I said, making eye contact with Solas before turning to Helisma – pausing, when I noted an almost frown on her face. Then I blinked and she was gone.

“Of course.” She said, bowing her head before moving out first.

I stood there, slack-jawed and wide-eyed, staring after her.

“Mara?” Solas said, a gentle hand on my shoulder, “Are you alright?”

“Huh?” I startled, “Oh, I’m fine. Don’t worry.”

He frowned, “If you’re feeling unwell, you shouldn’t go out. Especially during such a volatile time.”

“Nobody else can offer what I can Solas, which is precisely why I need to go.” I said, “It’ll be fine.”

He stood there, unrelenting, for a moment, before sighing. Conceding, he rummaged through a dresser of his and pulled out a green coat. It was heavy looking with a wolf’s pelt attached to it. I recognized it – it was his standard clothing for outings with Mahanon.

“Come here.” he beckoned.

“Solas, you don’t have to – ” I stopped short when he slipped my arms through the coat, walking behind me to secure a mesh between a sash and a belt to secure it all in place.

“We all have to be a bit selfless sometimes.” He echoed, “Isn’t that what you said?”

I stared after him, noticing he was very close to me.

“I believe that advice extends to others aside from yourself.” He smiled, “I travel across Thedas barefoot, Mara, no matter the weather. I will be fine, and I have magic that can keep me warm. You do not. You’ll need this more than me.”

I was silent for a moment before I conceded, “You’re right.”

“I know.” He grinned triumphantly, before returning to stand in front of me, our eyes leveled (since we were both the same height).

He was still a bit too close for comfort as he tightened the belt-sash once more for good measure, but I noticed my heart keeping it’s steady beat. There was something very comforting about this moment instead of nerve-wracking.

Solas cared.

The memory of that time when I woke up from my short comma to find him having waited on me returning.

I shook my head good naturedly, his grin infectious.

“Come on, let’s go help everyone outside.” I grabbed his hand, “Make sure your fire spell is on constantly to keep you warm.”

“I will.” He said, a small smile on his face.

“If you start feeling tired, remember to take a break – ”

“Yes, Mara.”

“Sit down and eat something, or drink a warm cup of milk – ”

“Yes – ”

“And – ”

“Mara,” he said, squeezing my hand tight. “Let’s just go.”

He stared at me for a while, looking me up and down.

“What?” I said.

“You know, I had no idea we shared the same measurements.” Solas hummed, “I thought it was just height.”

“Huh.” I said, looking down. “It does fit quite snug. You don’t think that we might be – ”

“Hey,” a voice called. We looked to find it was Helisma. “Why aren’t you two out yet?”

If I wasn’t as embarrassed as it was, I would’ve been extremely fascinated by the almost annoyed expression on her face.

“Right.” Solas and I said simultaneously, earning more embarrassed smiles to our face and changing my perspective of Helisma’s now blank face to just a unique expression of ‘this is so gross’.

Just as we left the room together, Solas leaned in to whisper in my ear, “Out of curiosity, what were you about to say?”

“That we might be twins.” I whispered back, obviously joking.

His face contorted into such a disgusted expression that I had to laugh.

* * *

The state outside the main hall was chaos. There were so many injured, some of their bodies slumped against the walls and across the grassy courtyard. If you looked beyond the large gates, some had collapsed just along the road that led to the fortress – the line of collapsed stretching far into the camps below. People were running everywhere with their arms filled with dirty bloodstained bandages to surgical tools. The surgeons who I recognized looked overwhelmed, nurses and normal staff yelling at them to give each person orders.

I quickly ran through what I could and couldn’t do. I had no knowledge of the logistics of Skyhold and what facilities for medicine and surgical procedures were available. I was a neuropsychologist at most, a researcher and a teacher. I couldn’t treat soldiers who’d develop symptoms of PTSD or the like, but I could organize people.

Back in the estate, I would frequently assign jobs to newcomers of the society in accordance to their capabilities. That was how we grew our own gardens, how we maintained a steady flow of income, and kept the mansion in good shape.

“If it gets too much,” Solas said, “Go back inside.”

“You too.” I said, “You heard him, Helisma.”

The three of us nodded before we parted to get to work.

I went to the medical staff who were growing even more stressed by the minute.

Cassandra had designated a single tower for all medical personnel to return and report to regarding injuries. The condition inside it was just as bad as it was outside, there were so many people who were panting and panicked, tired and stressed, slumped against walls with blood covering their hands up to their elbows.

“Seeker!” I called, running over to her. “I brought blankets to help.”

“Lady Mara,” the seeker said, surprised. “Thank you – Liza, please take these and set them aside. My Lady, I wish we could have met properly at a better time but things are dire and –”

“Just call me Mara, Seeker Cassandra.” I said, “I’m here to help. Your staff are overworked and need mental aid, they won’t be able to function properly if this goes on. Let me help.”

“Then I am Cassandra,” she said, extending a hand for a firm handshake. “Well met, Mara. The Inquisition would greatly appreciate your help. Maker stay with you.”

“Well met, Cassandra.” I smiled a tight-lipped smile.

She nodded before disappearing out the door, the muffled sound of Cullen following her soon after.

I got to work with the medical personnel right away, particularly those who were resting. I asked them questions regarding the situation and what was available to us, how many people were working and how many were injured. I quickly set up a shift schedule for them to follow, as well as assigned some as quick educators to teach soldiers who were unharmed to fix up the wounds of the injured. I made sure to move any facility that were mobile closer to the critical areas where most of the injured were focused, as well as setting a chain system of supplies that could easily be carried to and fro.

That was the most I could do, which helped a bit. However, there was something that I couldn’t solve – the shortage of supplies.

Skyhold’s gardens grew only a small supply of herbs that could be used. The Tavern’s supply of alcohol to disinfect wounds was growing small. The only people who could quickly get more supplies would be the merchants, and even then that would cost money. Money I wasn’t sure the Inquisition had.

When I checked the logbooks available to me, as per Cassandra’s authorization, I concluded that no, the Inquisition could not bear to lose any more money than they already had from the damage and failed sieges of the elvhen temples. I could imagine Josephine pulling at her hair at the information.

Rubbing at my face tiredly, I debated, very seriously, to call Timotheus and ask if I could pull any money from our society.

“Liza,” I called. “Take control of things for a while, I’ll be back soon.”

“Of course, My Lady – ”

“Mara,” I sighed tiredly. “Just Mara.”

“… Mara.” She nodded, “Take care.”

“You as well.”

I had been working for a good eight hours, and when I finally stepped out of the tower I found that night had fallen. Looking around me, it wasn’t quite as chaotic as it was earlier on, but there were still so many who were injured. Some were dead, their dead bodies still left where they had collapsed, open eyes staring up at the stars and some shut tight. Arms and legs covered in snowflakes, no warmth radiating from their skin to melt it.

I sat beside one, his eyes still open, haunted as they stared at the night sky. I reached out and shut his eyes for him, pressing a kiss to my palm before putting it against his forehead. It wasn’t a cultural thing, what I did, but it was what the society would do whenever one of us died.

Then a thought occurred to me.

One of the dead could have been E. Could be E.

I shuddered at the thought, shutting my eyes tight as I turned away.

“Mara,” a voice called after me, and I didn’t have to look to see that it was Solas.

“Solas,” I said, wanting to smile because I was glad to see him – but I had no strength left. “How are you feeling?”

“I – you look terrible, Mara,” he said, taking me by the shoulders. “Let’s rest for a while, alright?”

“We’re losing supplies, Solas. People are going to die if we don’t get more.” I reasoned.

“I know, Mara,” he said, frowning. “Lady Montilyet informed me when I asked her. You’ve done enough, I think it would be best if we rested for a while before returning to work.”

“We need a miracle, Solas. We need the supplies.” I sighed, “I’ll… I’ll join you soon enough inside, I just need to get to my room. I need to write a letter.”

“Mara,” he frowned. “I do not wish to speak out of turn, but if you are going to do what I think you are – writing a letter to Empress Celene – I wonder about the state of your position in the university.”

I smiled sadly, “It’ll be alright.”

“You know you’re not very convincing, Mara,” he paused, looking at me sadly. “There’s such a thing as being _too_ selfless. Making a martyr of your career won’t do you any good.”

“Which is why I won’t be writing to Empress Celene, Solas.” I said, reaching up to cup his cheek in my palm. “I might know some people who can help besides her. Also, if I lost my job you’d never get to publish your book. I’d never break a promise I make to you, you know that right?”

His hand rose to touch my hand on his cheek, his eyebrows furrowed in frustration, “Don’t be a martyr for this world, Mara.”

I was caught a bit off guard by his wording. What did he mean by ‘this world’?

“I want to do what I can, Solas.” I said, letting my hand fall to my side. “There’s no harm in trying.”

“Not always true.” He frowned.

I cocked my head to the side, “Maybe, but it’s a risk I’m willing to take. I need to go now, but I’ll see you a bit later, alright?”

“You are very stubborn.”

He waited for a moment before conceding, sighing, “Alright.”

I bowed my head in a small, tired, and feeble attempt at goodbye before I made my way to my room.

Tired and spent, I wanted nothing more than to crawl into my covers or join my friend for dinner. But instead I reached for my phone, which I kept in my suitcase under lock and key. Switching it on, I sat by my desk and looked outside as the snow continued to fall. The stars were so bright and a part of me thought of entertaining the idea of wishing upon the stars.

Maybe some form of that Disney magic would sweep in, like the fairy godmother or something. But for all the powerful magic in Thedas, fairy godmothers surely didn’t exist.

As the phone dialed, I waited patiently for Tim’s voice to come through the receiver.

“Mara?” his groggy voice said, probably having just been awoken from sleep.

_“Hi Tim,”_ I said, switching to my native tongue.

_“It’s so late, why’re you calling at this hour?”_ he asked, slowly growing more alert. _“Did something happen? Are you in trouble?”_

_“No, I’m fine but – ”_ I took in a deep breath, hoping Tim would understand. _“Something terrible has happened. The inquisition’s army, a bulk of them that was supposed to go off and take back the elvhen ruins, returned in really, really bad shape. There were so many injured, the numbers stretched so far into the valley when they came back.”_

_“What?”_ he asked, shocked. _“You mean they failed in taking back the temples, the ruins?”_

“They say Corypheus has increased the strength of his army to take them back – look, Tim, I’m not an expert on the future of Thedas like you are. And it’s not my business either so I called because – ”

_“Mara, sorry, I need to cut you off because – ”_ he grunted, sighing and frustrated. _“What? What – I – this is not supposed to happen, Mara. This is completely the opposite of what’s supposed to happen. The Inquisition’s supposed to come out victorious, all the time, and this has never happened – this wasn’t written. Fuck, and I think it might be our fault.”_

I frowned, _“What do you mean?”_

_“Mara, we’ve been sending some of our own into temples.”_ He explained, _“You know we’ve been looking for ways to get home, right? We might’ve found a lead with the Eluvians. We’ve been trying to look for the proper one, most of them open with a key and we have these keys. Your clothes, our phones, all those knick-knacks we carried with us when we landed here all those years ago. I think… I think Corypheus thinks our people are working with the Inquisition.”_

_“My God.”_ I felt my entire body seize up, filled with both paralyzing fear, dread, and excitement. “Are any of our own injured?”

_“No,”_ he said. _“And that’s the strange thing. There’s been no attacks against us, even if there’s been reported cases of both our society and the inquisition prowling the same grounds simultaneously. I’m thinking it’s because of your findings regarding our… biological and psychological differences, it’s like they can’t tell we’re there. I have a hunch it’s because to sense people, mages rely on magical presence or something – we don’t have any, and the darkspawn are ignoring us for perhaps the same reason. Maybe, that’s all hypothetical. Mara, there’s a possibility things can get worse.”_

I rubbed my temples, _“I think so. I have some more news and you’re probably not going to like it.”_

_“What is it?”_ he asked, “What happened?”

_“Empress Celene didn’t invite the inquisition for the winter ball, Gaspard turned them down too – and I’m not sure about the significance of this – ”_

** _“WHAT?!”_ **

_“My ear!”_

“Sorry but – what?!” I could practically see him pacing back and forth, _“That’s not possible – that’s – why would Gaspard turn them down?”_

_“Was he originally the one to invite them?”_

_“Yes! To usurp Empress Celene but it didn’t work I – what is this?!”_ he shuddered,_ “Mara, I’m not sure what’s going on I… a minute, I need to get to my office.”_

_“Tim?”_ I whispered, hearing the sound of the wind rushing and his footstep on the marble floor. _“Tim, what’s going on?”_

_“I’m in my office. I needed to look at the timeline map I’ve made just to be sure I didn’t miss anything.”_ He said, _“Shit, I’ve mapped all possibilities, all our interferences, making sure that we did as little harm. But why is this still happening?”_

I winced,_ “There’s something else.”_

_“Oh my god,”_ he sighed, dejected. _“What else?”_

_“Leliana fed me qamek a couple of weeks ago and now she’s sort of on to us,” _I took a deep breath. _“And… please don’t be mad but…”_

Tim didn’t respond.

_“I quit the inquisition early,”_

_“Good.”_ Was the only thing he said, which almost made me smile.

_“And I invited the inquisition to the ball upon her… behest.”_

He took a sharp breath.

_ “And there’s a possibility that I will lose my job in the university,”_ I sighed tiredly, rubbing my face, _“And that cuts our income. I’m so sorry, Tim. I really am I just… she was pushing me and she threatened to out all of you and I don’t… I’m so sorry. I really am, please don’t be mad at me – ”_

_“Mara,”_ he said, his voice quieting to a whisper. _“Mara, I could never be angry at you. It’s alright, and I’m not angry – I’m so sorry too. Our income can be covered, please don’t worry – oh Mara, you know I love you. You know that I want you happy.”_

I heard his voice quake, like he was tearing up as I was.

_“I love you so much, Mara, and it breaks my heart to hear that there’s a possibility you’ll lose the job of your dreams. I know you love it and I can’t believe they’ve done this to you.”_

_“You know,”_ I sniffled. _“I called because I um, I wanted to ask for help – financially to help supply the inquisition with herbs but I… I guess that’s a no now.”_

He inhaled deeply, _“I’m sorry, Mara. But I will not be helping the inquisition, in light of what has happened to you.”_

_“We could lose E.”_

_“Better E. than you.”_ He conceded, _“I think I overestimated how much I could take having you be in danger.”_

_“Tim, that’s unfair!”_

_“I love you Mara, but I cannot let you endanger yourself or this society anymore. If this was money to keep you fed, safe, or even entertainment or a new dress or a house even – I’d give it. The society would give it to you as well. If it was for your needs only, I would. But you’re not selfish, and that’s where our money stops.”_ Tim wept, _“Please understand, I just want you home.”_

He shuddered again.

_“I can’t take it Mara.”_

_“I’m sorry for dumping this all on you, Tim. You’re stressed beyond belief, I wish I was there with you.”_ I whispered, cradling the phone. _“I’m so sorry.”_

_“I am too,”_ he said, trying his best to sound strong. _“Let’s just stop with them, let’s just shift our focus to finding a way home – alright? Rachel can take care of finding people, and I know you don’t like the idea but it’s all we can do now.”_

_“I understand.”_ I said, disheartened. _“They’re going to die tonight.”_

_“But you’ll live,”_ he said. _“I’d rather you live.”_

I waited for a moment, _“Don’t I get a choice?”_

_“Please don’t say that,”_ his voice was broken. _“That was unfair. I… I need to go.”_

_“Tim, please reconsider – ”_

_“Goodnight Mara,”_ he said. _“Don’t try anything, go to bed, you’ve done the best you could.”_

_“Tim, please – ”_ I cried out, _“Please, wait – ”_

The line went dead, and so went all the nerves of my body.

Unable to process what just happened, my mind went on autopilot. Wrapping my arms around myself, I walked out of my room and into the snow. Travelling down the stairs, I could hear the clamor and chaos growing louder and louder as people began to realize their army was growing smaller and smaller by the minutes. People were dying, so many.

I hated how stubborn I was. I wish I didn’t care so much.

“Mara,” Cole said, appearing before me. “Mara, you’re upset.”

“Could you hear it?” I asked.

“I could see it,” he frowned. “You look so tired. Don’t you need to eat?”

I looked to the rows of soldiers taking refuge in the main hall, my eyes catching that of a woman who was dying of hypothermia – her symptoms so clear.

“I think they need it more.” I said, numb.

“Mara,” Cole said. “You need to eat. You’ve saved a lot of people today and I know what happens to humans when they don’t eat, you’ll save a lot more if you live. And live well.”

“I sincerely doubt that, Cole.” I said, an honest heartbrokenness to my voice.

Silently, he tugged me towards Solas’ rotunda. There, Solas and I’s desks were conjoined, with plates of simple, untouched food. The minute I entered, Solas stood to his feet the minute I entered.

“Where were you?” he asked, walking over to me.

“Did you…” I paused, “Did you wait for me?”

“I – yes, Helisma too.”

“Where is she?” I asked.

Solas frowned, gesturing to his couch where Helisma sat. She was wrapped in a white sheet, pale as a ghost, as fire spell runes surrounded her – keeping her warm.

“Helisma,” he called. “She’s here now. We need to eat.”

“Of course,” she mumbled, standing to her feet and ambling toward us. “Are you alright, Mara?”

“Tired.” I said, pausing as I surveyed her face. It had tear marks on it, which perplexed me. “I’m a bit overwhelmed.”

“You aren’t alone, we can do what we can after some rest. Come.” He said, “The food’s gone cold, but I can reheat it.”

I nodded absentmindedly as I focused my stare on her face, a million things rushing through my mind. Even in the midst of chaos and the desolate, snowy night that would soon be filled with deaths – something clicked in my mind.

If Helisma, a tranquil, truly could not feel emotion – then why was had she cried? Why did she look annoyed that afternoon? And I wondered, if she was truly like an Earthling whose biological and psychological facets were slowly, but surely, developing to that akin of ours? Could it be, then, that Heslima was feeling the same things I was – in a way she was not accustomed to in a world where everyone was connected to the Fade?

“Helisma,” I said, grabbing her cold hands. “Helisma were you… crying?”

“Mara, that’s impossible – you know her condition.” Solas reasoned gently, “I think you’re a bit too tired right now –”

Ignoring him, I pulled her closer and wrapped my arms around her.

“It’s okay, Helisma.” I whispered in her ear.

“Mara?” she asked, “I don’t understand –”

“When you cried,” I said. “Where did it hurt?”

“I…”

“Mara?” Solas’ voice came next.

“Was there a migraine, like a pain behind your eyes? Did your chest feel heavy? Did your lips twitch, like there was thread stretching them into a frown?” I asked, “Was the pain on your forehead, at the sides of your head? Did your throat hurt?”

“Yes.” She answered.

“Did your heart thump, painfully slow and terrified?”

“Yes.”

“Did you feel sad?”

“No.”

I nodded, slow, processing her words, “But did it feel free?”

After studying emotions and how Thedas’ views on emotion differed from ours. I could come to a conclusion that pain was just pain, it was not liberating to cry – it made them sad, just confirmed their feelings to be there. To process them would to turn to a liberating emotion, like happiness.

And I hoped Helisma felt differently.

“Like a book was lifted off my chest.” She said, “It is unusual.”

And there, I found, a strange and unique hope in Thedas.

She really was like me, a thought occurring – confirming my hypotheses’ from before.

To be removed from the Fade, brings one closer to like an Earthling. Helisma was already like me. She just never realized it, having spent so long in an environment unlike ours.

“You know,” I smiled. “I’ve always felt the same way.”

Even with Tim being so far away, the incoming deaths that night, I was lucky to have her. And I knew, that if I could teach Helisma to express emotions our way, the world would see her differently. There was no need for a cure for tranquility and I didn't have to worry about the state of Thedas, knowing Helisma and those with her condition were present. The world would be safe in their hands, I just needed to teach them. At least then, I could feel a bit at ease with leaving.

Turning my head to Solas, I found he was confused - just as Cole was.

I only smiled. I only smiled my hardest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Foreshadowed when Mara was teaching Cole expressions hehe. This was sort of a dark and sad chapter, what with everyone dying, the future of the inquisition so unknown, and their plans to return home being furthered - just as when Solas and Mara were getting close.
> 
> Not sure if it's evident (since i'm so lowkey about romance lmao), but Solas and her are getting closer. And things are going to get complicated because Mara = Black Mirror. Solas sees himself in her, has stayed with her through her coma, and has given her his coat. So like, hint, hint, NUDGE, NUDGE, before I push them both off the lover's cliff.
> 
> Hope you liked this chapter!


	12. Portrait of Mara

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Not necessarily a chapter, but more of a bonus for those who are curious to what Mara looks like! Found on Solas' desk, hehe.
> 
> I did upload an older one (https://66.media.tumblr.com/9b076a4e994d9bed1360820cf3b8671e/tumblr_pympqnl9ie1u4njvmo1_1280.png), but there were some revisions to be made. Color palette is still very much the same though.


	13. All Things

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Um. Hello! Sorry for not updating in a while, life and all you know? Hope all of you are safe and well, healthy and all that! I hope you like this chapter, TW for Suicide mentions though!

With the date of my final days in Skyhold fast approaching, I spent most of my time in the presence of people who cared about me. I’d catch Cole observing me more intently, as if waiting for any sign of weakness so that he could help – which I was trying to be more open about. It was about time I took my own research’s advice, about being open with people and all. Helisma was also, I could tell, trying to be more conversational which was sweet to know. And Solas seemed to stick closer to me, reminding me to eat and frequently asking me questions like ‘Have you eaten?’ ‘Would you like to join me for lunch, for dinner? For breakfast?’ ‘Why don’t you read with me this afternoon?’. I remembered when we first met, how faraway he seemed and now it was so different. He was a very good friend to me and despite how many times he rolled his eyes every time I tried to skip meals, how many times he’d have to remind me – you couldn’t deny the fact that he was as persistent as he was patient.

A quality I realized I needed to have too.

There were, of course, days where I felt like the moment when I’d finally be home was so far away. Or that even seeing Mahanon or Leliana in passing felt like swallowing a box of nails. But patience, as I was slowly learning from him, made things feel better.

“Every time you feel bad, Mara,” he said to me, gently, as he watched me eat. “Remember that a second has passed, then a minute, then an hour – which will turn into days, and weeks. No matter what, the sun will rise and set. Time and space will keep away the bad things and bring to you all the good things in due time. Think of the person you’ll be tomorrow, or in a week. Further away from all the bad things and all that more closer to the things you look forward to. And if you move your feet, you’ll get there even faster.”

I paused from slurping my noodles to stare at him, surprised and feeling as if I’ve just received a holy epiphany, “Woah. That’s… really good advice, which sacred text from the times of Elvhenan is it from? Was it the one you taught me yesterday?”

He looked at me blankly before pulling out a stack of papers clipped together, “This one.”

He pushed them over to me as I leaned over.

“Though not from the times of the Ancient Elves,” he said, “I feel as though they would have benefitted from this.”

When I saw my name on the paper, I turned bright red – my heart feeling as though butterflies were fluttering around it. How could I have forgotten my third research paper I published in Orlais, dedicated to those who needed immediate psychological help? The quote I wrote at the back – since there’s no strict guidelines for psychological papers – I thought would be poetic and cute.

Now I wanted to cringe at it.

“_Ahn ina'lan'ehn av_.” He said, smiling as he flipped through the paper again.

“What?”

“What beautiful words.” He murmured before looking up at me, with what seemed like a brighter blue for eyes, “That’s what it means.”

“Oh.” I said, as my cheeks grew hot. I touched them with my hands and felt the flutter in my heart go away, replaced by a comforting emotion. Unable to fight the wide smile beginning to form, I only laughed softly. “Thank you, Solas.”

I was glad I had that small amount of nerve left to keep our eye contact longer, because it wasn’t before long that I saw red bloom on his cheeks as well as he laughed softly. Covering his lips behind a knuckle as he said, “You’re very welcome.”

I decided I liked it when he looked that way.

Then Dorian coughed, staring at us cheekily from above with Sera next to him.

“Well hellooooo lovebirds.”

Sera made a gagging noise.

Solas only shot them an annoyed stare before firing back at Dorian with some comment.

With one more gagging noise, Sera jumped off the second floor, landing less than gracefully on her two feet right on Solas’ desk.

We both jumped in shock.

“What are you – Get off my desk!” Solas scolded, “My papers – ”

Sera ignored him, looking over her shoulder to smile at me, “Don’t worry, I avoided _your_ papers.”

I glanced at them, right next to where her feet landed – right on top of Solas’ Fade notes.

Before I could say anything, she turned back to Solas with what seemed to be a sour look on her face, “And don’t worry about me all over your desk, I’ll get off – ”

Hopping off, she grabbed my arm and yanked me up and closer to her suddenly, “And I’m stealing her away from you.”

“You can’t – ” He paused before clearing his throat, “Mara is a person, she’s no object to be stolen – ”

“Oh come off it,” she drawled, “You’ve been keeping her cooped up here to take care all to yourself. Sorry, but she does have other friends.”

I both hated and loved the small voice in my head that said, ‘I have other friends?’ because it was both sad and hilarious.

“Oh but I – ”

“Sera – ”

“Make a run for it Sera!” Dorian called out.

“Already on my way!” Sera called back before effortlessly scooping me up and running through the door with me.

“What is going on – ”

“Oh hush!” Sera said, grinning. “It’s a surprise, and a nice one! So don’t worry too much.”

It wasn’t as if I could say much because one moment we were in Skyhold and in the next we were at the tavern. Sera really could run, that’s for sure.

Letting me down, I was met with few familiar faces in a near empty tavern. There, standing before me was Blackwall, Cullen, and Cassandra. All three with various degrees of nervousness, judging by the look on their faces.

“Oh.” I said timidly, “Hello.”

I was met with awkward smiles.

“Um, Sera?” I murmured, “What’s going on?”

“I heard what you said to Lady Nightingale the week before, and you know what? You’re right.” She said, “There’s something real bad about only doing this much after something like Corypenis appears.”

“I mean… yeah, but…” I paused, “You’re not going to try and ask me to come back, right?”

“That would be ideal,” Cassandra spoke up. “But we aren’t going to force you, Mara.”

“Should you ever want to, however, the door will always be open to you. Seeker Cassandra and I have spoken to the Inquisitor about this, the opportunity will always be there for you.” Cullen added.

“I see,” I nodded stiffly. “I appreciate the sentiment but…”

I looked around, nervous.

“… I hope your appreciation of me isn’t driving a wedge between you all and the Inquisition, I might not have agreed with Leliana’s ways but I don’t want to sow discord in this organization. Thedas still needs you to be at a united front.”

Blackwall sighed, “Still thinking of anyone but yourself I see.”

“Divided? That will not happen.” Cassandra reassured, “We’ve discussed it with everyone and we’ve all come to the conclusion that what happened was not your fault, Mara. It was a mistake in leadership and an abuse of power. It will be taken into account. And we will endeavour that this shall never happen again in the Inquisition – especially to those who have helped us with all they could.”

“In regards to those who have helps us with all they could,” Cullen continued. “We are here to express our gratitude for your help Mara. For your help with those soldiers who were injured those nights ago, despite the fact that you were sent here mainly to handle data and research.”

“For the reports that have helped give us insight about our people,” Cassandra said. “And the model you have left us to continue doing it even when you aren’t here anymore.”

“And for your character,” Blackwall said. “It’s not often those in power look to help the little people.”

“I wish more people did.” I said, sadly – too sad to stop the next words from slipping out. “Even when I am no longer here.”

Blackwall gave me a strange look, “You will still be working for the university to help, won’t you?”

Although I meant the fact that I was going to leave Thedas one day, I knew that losing my job was still in the realm of possibility at the current moment – and no doubt the end result as well.

“I might be losing my job though, um, related to what happened last week.”

“Oh,” Blackwall frowned, pausing before shooting the other two a hard stare. “You didn’t tell me this? There’s a possibility that someone in power is going to lose their job, someone who cares about the little people.”

“It wasn’t our right to say that, it’s too personal. If Mara wants to tell you, she will.” Cassandra cut in. “It is apparent that you have given more than enough to us, and sacrificed that much. Just as our people who work in diplomacy, finances, and supplies – you are deserving of our appreciation.”

Suddenly, light footsteps resounded in the room.

“And gifts in return,” a new but familiar voice sounded.

Looking towards the person moving down the stairs, I was surprised and terrified to find that it was Mahanon. With a small smile on his face, looking just as timid and nervous as I felt.

“Inquisitor,” I bowed my head, not wanting to make eye contact.

“You need not bow, Mara.” He said, “You need not even look at me.”

I raised my head but kept my eyes trained on the ground.

“I know you have been avoiding me, and in truth I cannot blame you.” He said with an undecipherable emotion behind his words. “Mara, I will not excuse what has happened to you nor do I ask for your forgiveness. I am here to admit that there are many parts to us that are wrong, the abuse of power and how we have treated our own. Recently,” he paused, looking to Cassandra who nodded, “It seems history has repeated itself, for we have also learned of the past of the Inquisition. As well as tranquility and what has caused it, the process – everything.”

I paused, looking up at him for the first time – only to find a pained expression on his face.

“We are aware of your interest in tranquility and we – ” he faltered for a moment, “Would like to help you in your research of it.”

“And help put a stop to it.” Cassandra said.

How surprised I was to hear this and how conflicted I felt. On one hand, I knew the process of tranquility was no peaceful one – I knew mages feared it, but at the same time, when I looked at Helisma… so much like me. So much like us. And to put a stop to it I knew would definitely be something like curing the blight, as I knew the Society was capable of, but Tim’s words rang true in my ear – that we must limit how much we influence the world.

I could not hinge that big of a change on my limited knowledge.

If they were aware of who I really was, of where I came from, I perhaps could help. On Earth, it would be easier to access the knowledge and technology to make it plausible, make it sustainable, and hard to debate otherwise. _Nanos gigantum humeris insidentes_, I stand on the shoulders of giants. Whatever research breakthrough or invention created, it is only possible if you retrace the roots – if there were people before, spanning tens of thousands of years, who have helped built and paved the road to where you stand now.

To where I stood now.

And my people’s road was longer, more complicated, and more travelled than that of the people of Thedas. I could not simply just drop the invention of a lightbulb on their lap and hope it leads them on the right path.

They’d have to figure that out on their own.

And so, with a heavy heart, I had to say –

“I’m sorry but I am no longer of sound heart and mind to do so.”

Perhaps I would write something, bury it under a tree somewhere, and wonder if anyone would ever find it. But right now, I knew what my heart longed for. I knew I wanted to return home. I wanted to go back to the people who cared for me, and to help those who cared for me.

Which made it all the more harder to look at all of them, when you could clearly see how much they cared for me. And how much my stupid heart cared for them.

‘Not now,’ I wanted to whisper at it. ‘Not now, please.’

Cassandra and Mahanon shared a look before he smiled a small, sad, but reassuring smile to her.

“We can understand, Mara.”

And truly, I would be fine leaving the world like this – I would be alright to leave this world back to its own devices. After thinking about everything, I would be okay to return to Orlais disgraced, hated, and looked down upon – if it meant keeping them safe, if it meant being around them once more, I would be okay.

I think.

And as always, there is one person I’ve begun to understand I’d regret leaving.

But I had a duty to bring the Society home, and although I couldn’t promise to them I’d stay – to him that I’d stay and be his friend longer here… I would not break my promise to him.

“If you really do want to make things up to me,” I said, mustering up the courage to begin the long journey that was to publish his paper, “Grant me this one request – ”

* * *

I briefed to Solas everything, that in two days we would be leaving for Orlais together. In a month I would get his paper published and after that it would be the Winter Ball. I told him to think of it as reconnaissance, since Sera and Vivienne would be coming (‘_What joyous company_,’ he had grumbled in Elvhen, a language I was slowly beginning to learn thanks to his guidance). And that to save on expenses, they would be living together in Vivienne’s recently inherited estate while I would return to my own.

“I’m sorry?” he had said one night after drinking with me at the tavern, “I will be living with Sera _and_ Vivienne under one roof?”

Apparently, he had a looser tongue when he got a bit drunk – by the way, Solas was a complete light-weight.

“I have never complained – not once – whenever the Inquisitor brought all three of us together for his missions. He knows we do not get along well, and although it is tolerable when we must go fight and camp together, I will not spend nearly 24/7 hours near a non-preoccupied Sera with access to her weapons still.” He sighed, and it almost seemed dramatic, “I will go insane.”

Definitely dramatic.

I laughed a little as I packed my things, looking over my shoulder to see him slouched on my red armchair with a drink in his hand, “You’re drunk complaining again, Solas.”

“A month at the field with enemies to keep me distracted? Acceptable. Was I looking forward to it to finally end? Absolutely.”

“You know how Orlais is about your people, Solas.” I reasoned, “Vivienne’s place would be the safest for you and Sera.”

“I can defend myself.”

“I know you can.” I smiled at his drunken face before taking the drink away from his hands, “But the university is already going to be unfriendly as it is, I want you to have a solace… Solas… huh. Similar.”

He made a displeased noise.

“Besides, what do you want me to do? Let you stay at my estate?”

“I would rather.” He said, wobbling to stand on his two feet.

“Don’t know if you remember,” I said, wrapping an arm around him so he could steady himself. “But I do have a ‘cult’s’ worth of people staying there.”

“Is there surely no room for me?” he bemoaned.

I laughed as I pushed open the door, greeted by the cold bite of the winter night. “I’m sure we do, but I’m not so sure you’d be comfortable with my ‘cult’.”

“You know Mara,” he slurred a bit. “I have never once thought of your cult as strange, nor as it as a cult.”

That caught me by surprise.

“You don’t?”

“Not at all,” he laughed. “If they’re anything like you, I’m sure they’ll be company I am fond of.”

I smiled warmly at that, “You think of my company fondly?”

“Absolutely, unless they pass out at random intervals like you.”

“So your love for me is conditional, I take it?”

“It’s unconditional, Mara – ” he sighed,

“Yes, yes – I believe you sweet man.” I laughed, “You’ve been a very good friend to me, you know that?”

“I wish it would last forever.” He said.

“So do I.” I replied, setting him down on the bench right outside my room – hoping the cold air would sober him up a bit. As well as to soothe my melancholy.

“I mean,” I said, fiddling with my fingers. “We could still be friends, even when this is all over. You could visit Orlais.”

He laughed, bitter, “You were the one who said Orlais wasn’t kind to my people.”

“Right,” I sighed. “Letters?”

“Maybe.” He murmured.

I paused for a while, “Didn’t you say you could walk through dreams? Couldn’t you walk through mine?”

“Mara,” he began, sounding tired. “I have walked through many dreams, but yours is always locked away by a very strong force. One that I couldn’t ever break.”

That made sense, seeing that I wasn’t like the humans of Thedas.

“Until that time.”

I turned to him, surprised, “That time?”

“When you were in that coma,” he said. “As I sat by to watch you, trying to perform healing magic nothing changed. And I worried for the worst. I always knew you were different, at first I thought you were somehow a quarter made tranquil of some sort – but you weren’t.”

As I watched him with wide eyes, he shifted to turn his head at me – his back slouched against the wall.

“You don’t have any magic presence, something I’ve been trained and learning for what seems to be thousands of years now. I can feel it in anyone, I can tell who has potential – like Sera. But you are exactly as Cole described, a dark mirror, and whenever I look at you – truly look at you,” he takes a shuddering breath. “I see so much of myself that it frightens me.”

I reached over to grasp his quivering, cold hand.

“Are you alright?” I asked, “Solas, I don’t know what you’re talking about but it’s… it’s scaring me. What happened that time? Did I hurt you?”

“Yes.” He admitted and I almost dropped his hands out of surprise, if it weren’t for his own grabbing mine. “Don’t. You need to listen to this, Mara. I don’t think it would be right for me to keep this from you, but one night when you were still sick I fell asleep watching over you and for the first time, I was able to enter your dream. The locks to it were weakened, and I wondered if I could have woken you up in a dream – so I went in.”

I listened intently to him.

“Usually, when I walk through the Fade I’d feel the presence of spirits, of magic. But when I was in your dream, the door almost shut instantly behind me and no matter what I did I couldn’t leave. It was like I couldn’t wake up. So I wandered, and I found… strange versions of you. Three spirits that looked like you, but they weren’t spirits – they were you. Bickering constantly, two looking as if they wanted to tear each other’s throats and one trying to mediate. I’m usually well versed in spirits, but this time when I called to them – even the mediating one turned hostile. I knew, immediately, that I wasn’t meant to be there. It was so strange, no matter what I did to deter them they were able to scratch me, hurt me. I thought I would’ve died.”

“Then I met another you, she called herself Persona and she put a stop it, told me to run to a house. I banged on the door, wondering who’d let me in. And you were there again. You greeted me, let me in, surprised to see me. And then I saw a man in that house, he looked so much like you. You bandaged my wounds and –”

“What did he look like?” I interrupted, on the verge of tears. “Please, tell me.”

“Just like you.” He answered, “Brown eyes, tanned skin, and your hair – shorter. The way you both smiled, your mannerisms, I knew at that moment he was your – ”

“Father.” We both said.

“You saw my dad?” I wanted to weep, my voice cracking on the last word.

“Yes,” he said and I could feel his worried eyes on me. “Do you miss him?”

Those words were all that was needed for me to collapse against his shoulder, sobbing.

“I do.” I sobbed, a hand reaching up to tug at his clothes. “Please, continue.”

“Are you sure?” Even in his drunken state, he could still worry about me.

I raised my head, trying to smile, trying to calm down.

“Alright,” he whispered. “He was kind, welcomed me to the table. Asked if I wanted to eat anything, poured me iced tea and you know how I hated tea. And when I drank it, out of politeness, I expected it to taste bad… but it wasn’t.”

I smiled, remembering him, “He loved adding so much sugar, so that’s why.”

“How do you describe warm memories in a taste? Because that’s what it was like.” He murmured, “Warm family memories.”

I felt my heart throb painfully.

“Go on.”

“You bandaged me, and we talked for a while. Everything was so bright in that room, until I revealed your true nature. I read about it in your papers. It wasn’t entirely you I was speaking to, it was a person named Shadow. The… repressed parts of yourself.” He said, “When I recognized it, she turned hostile and if it weren’t for your father… I knew I would never leave.”

“The archetype,” I whispered, the idea dawning on me. “My archetype, it’s my father.”

“Like father like daughter.”

“Like father like daughter,” I repeated, the painful feeling in my chest getting stronger. Settling itself like a dull blade between my lungs. “Go on.”

“He let me leave, he smiled. And before I left through the door, I looked behind to see him holding you. Shutting it tight, I let my feet guide me through the empty, dark landscape. I knew not where I was going, but no matter where I went I could hear voices from inside the house. A young voice screaming for you, for a mother and father, and then a shrill voice, and then your father calling for help.” He paused, “I wanted you to know. I never meant to intrude.”

I nodded, numbly.

“Are you alright?”

“No.” I admitted, finally, out in the open air, my soul laid bare. “No I’m not, I left so many loose ends at home. And I miss my father, my brother, even my mother. My one regret is having left the way things were. On the floor, at an inch of my life – oh god, I’m so sorry you had to see that, Solas. This is so heavy, I’m so sorry – ”

I wanted to move away but steady arms wrapped themselves around me, letting me rest my head on his shoulder. And then all hell really did break loose, I cried and I cried and I cried my heart out. Thankful for the howling winds and his shoulder that muffled it.

“Keep the memories of your loved ones in your heart Mara, they will come back to you and you to them.” And not once did he waver when he said, “Whatever you keep locked in your heart Mara, I know will never leave.”

I sobbed even harder.

“What eats the heart is mostly heart,” he said. “What eats the heart is mostly heart.”

“Will this end?”

It is with grave implications I had not yet realized that he answered me, “All things must end.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And so comes to a close our arc at Skyhold, in the next chapter you will meet the Society finally! A lot more happier times are coming! :)


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